Writing | Guy Portman's Blog

If Authors Were Desserts

Jan 26 2018

Here are twelve authors and the desserts that in my opinion they/their writing corresponds to.

Norman Mailer

Mailer

Cultural criticism, controversy and obscenity were hallmarks of this volatile and violent author.

Corresponding dessert: Fruitcake

Fruit Cake

Rationale: Self-explanatory

Stephanie Meyer

Meyer

Meyer is a young-adult fiction writer responsible for the vampire romance series Twilight.

Corresponding dessert: Sponge Cake

sponge cake

Rationale: It might look like a cake, feel like a cake and smell like a cake, but on taking a bite one realises it’s mostly just air.

Vladimir Nabokov

Nabokov

The intellectual Russian born Nabokov utilised an ornate prose style.

Corresponding dessert: Deconstructed S’more

Deconstructed Smores

Rationale: This sophisticated, deconstructed extravagance contains chocolate-coated cereal garnishes, caramelised vanilla marshmallow and more besides.

L. Ron Hubbard

Hubbard

The Scientology founder wrote numerous Sci-Fi and psychotherapy books.

Corresponding dessert: Waffle

Rationale: The content of Scientology’s doctrine.

Ambrose Bierce

Corresponding dessert: Lemon sorbet

Rationale: Few desserts are more acerbic.

Anne Rice

Rice

The Vampire Chronicles creator is one of the best-selling writers in recent American history.

Corresponding dessert: Jelly

Jelly

Rationale: Right-minded adults steer clear of this puerile dessert.

Bret Easton Ellis

Easton-Ellis

Easton Ellis is a master of social commentary. Much of his writing features vapid, soulless characters.

Corresponding dessert: Lemon Sorbet

lemon

Rationale: This cold, astringent dessert isn’t for everyone. I rather like it.

Dan Brown

Brown

Brown has sold more than 200 million of his mystery/conspiracy novels.

Corresponding dessert: Ring-Shaped Donut

Doughnut

Rationale: These deep-fried snacks have a gaping hole in the middle.

Agatha Christie

Agatha Christie

English crime novelist Agatha Christie is the best-selling author of all time.

Corresponding dessert: Tunnock’s Teacake

Tea Cake

Rationale: One has to first unwrap the packaging and then bite through the outer layer to reveal what lies beneath.

E. L. James

ELJAmes

Erotica novelist E. L. James is one of the World’s best-selling authors.

Corresponding dessert: Cheesecake

cheese

Rationale: Many, including yours truly, are of the opinion that cheese and cake should not be mixed.

Leo Tolstoy

Tolstoy

Iconic Russian writer Tolstoy is best-remembered for his opuses Anna Karenina and War And Peace.

Corresponding dessert: Heavy Cake

Heavy Cake

Rationale: Heavy Cake is dense and requires a lot of chewing, but it tastes good.

Sidney Sheldon

Sidney Sheldon

Chick lit/Thriller author Sheldon is the one of the best-selling authors of all time.

Corresponding dessert: Wafer

Wafer

Rationale: With their primary ingredient being air, wafers won’t satisfy one’s hunger.

20 Bizarre Author-Related Facts

Oct 13 2017

In recent years I have dedicated a number of blog posts to the topic of bizarre author-related trivia. Here are 20 of the most bizarre author facts I have come across to date.

Modernist writer Katherine Mansfield wore a mourning dress to her own wedding.

Zadie Smith spent the best part of 2 years writing and rewriting the first 20 pages of her novel, On Beauty.

William Burroughs accidentally killed his partner Joan Vollmer by shooting her in the head.

There is an asteroid named after Kurt Vonnegut.

J.R.R. Tolkien typed the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy with two fingers.

Dr Seuss included the word ‘contraceptive’ in a draft of his children’s book Hop on Pop to make sure the publisher was concentrating.

It took Helen Hooven Santmyer 50 years to pen And Ladies of the Club.

Dan Brown is a fan of inversion therapy He often hangs upside down in antigravity boots because he claims it helps him relax.

John Boyne claims to have written The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas in only 2 and a half days.

ELIYZABETH YANNE STRONG-ANDERSON is the author of Birth Control Is Sinful in the Christian Marriages and Also Robbing God of Priesthood. Every letter in the book capitalised.

Helen Hoover Santymeyer was 88 when her seminal work And Ladies of the Club was published.

John Steinbeck — Steinbeck was obsessed with pencils, particularly Blackwing 602’s.

American music critic and author Gustav Kobbé’s was out sailing when a seaplane misjudged its descent and struck his boat, killing him.

Vladimir Nabokov had a fixation with index cards. The majority of his novels were written out on cards with a pencil.

Dorothy Parker’s epitaph reads, Excuse my dust

Victor T. Cheney is the author of Castration: The Advantages and the Disadvantages.

In 1912 Ambrose Bierce invented 1 of the earliest emoticons, the snigger point, written as \ ___ /! It was designed to look like a smiling mouth.

Victor Hugo’s Les Miserables contains a sentence that is 823 words long.

Jane Austen never married, but she was engaged for 1 night. She accepted the proposal of marriage 2 weeks prior to her 27th birthday. Austen changed her mind the next day.

Billy Wilder epitaph is, I’m a writer but then nobody’s perfect

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Authors As Desserts VI

Oct 06 2017

This week I have been hard at work on my fourth novel, Sepultura. It is the sequel to my black comedy, Necropolis.

I have also written the sixth instalment in my series; authors and the desserts that in my opinion they/their writing corresponds to. Here are 8 authors and their corresponding desserts.

James Patterson

Patterson is one of the best-selling authors of all time.

Corresponding dessert: Vanilla ice-cream

Rationale: Vanilla ice-cream might not be the most enthralling dessert in the world, but many of us eat it all the same.

Emily Dickinson

This prolific American poet and recluse had a penchant for baking.

Corresponding dessert: Hermit Cookies

Paulo Coelho

Coelho is the best-selling Portuguese language author of all time.

Corresponding dessert: Pastel de nata

Rationale: This egg tart pastry dessert is extremely popular throughout the Portuguese-speaking world.

Helen Fielding

Chick lit author Fielding penned Bridget Jones’s Diary.

Corresponding dessert: Pink Cupcakes

Rationale: Pink cupcakes are so pretty you almost don’t want to eat them.

Jim Thompson

Jim Thompson is one of the greatest ‘pulp’ authors of all time.

Corresponding dessert: Mango Pulp

Rationale: This dessert might be pulp but it tastes sweet.

Charles Dickens

Harrowing realism was the order of the day for England’s greatest ever author.

Corresponding dessert: Dessert porridge

Thomas Hardy

Hardy was an English novelist and poet best known for Tess of the d’Ubervilles and Far from the Madding Crowd.

Corresponding dessert: Black Rice Pudding

Rationale: This dessert might be unabated in its blackness but it tastes good.

Ann Coulter

Ann Coulter’s seven best-sellers include Slander: Liberal Lies About the American Right and If Democrats Had Any Brains, They’d Be Republicans.

Corresponding dessert: Cobblers

20 of Literature’s Funniest Quotes III

Jun 23 2017

This week sees the third and most likely final instalment in my Literature’s Funniest Quotes series. Here are 20 humorous quotes from literature.

A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched for the leak in life’s gas-pipe with a lighted candle. — The Man Upstairs and Other Stories by P.G. Wodehouse

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others. — The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce

It’s safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won’t be able to smoke anywhere in America. — When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris

Colin is a professional gamer, who also mourns part-time to help with the bills. — Necropolis by Guy Portman

I don’t deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it. — The Habit of Being: Letters of Flannery O’Connor by Flannery O’Connor

Mike nodded. A sombre nod. The nod Napoleon might have given if somebody had met him in 1812 and said, “So, you’re back from Moscow, eh? — Mike and Psmith by P.G. Wodehouse

I don’t know how other men feel about their wives walking out on them, but I helped mine pack. — Breaking Up by Bill Manville

Every summer Lin Kong returned to Goose Village to divorce his wife, Shuyu. — Waiting by Ha Jin

‘How do you know about Megadeth anyway Percy?’
‘My daughter Beatrice listens to them,’ says Percy, his voice now taking a sombre tone. ‘She only wears black now and she’s umm well, she’s threatening to become a vampire.’ — Charles Middleworth by Guy Portman

When you have to kill the same terrorist twice in one week, then there’s either something wrong with your skills or something wrong with your world. And there’s nothing wrong with my skills. — Patient Zero by Jonathan Maberry

It’s a funny thing about mothers and fathers. Even when their own child is the most disgusting little blister you could ever imagine, they still think that he or she is wonderful. — Matilda by Roald Dahl

A story with a moral appended is like the bill of a mosquito. It bores you, and then injects a stinging drop to irritate your conscience. — Strictly Business by O. Henry

From politics, it was an easy step to silence. — Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. — The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson by Mark Twain

It is not that I object to the work, mind you; I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. — Three Men in a Boat by Jerome K. Jerome

Alice, not his real name, works in the mailroom. I call him Alice because he looks just like the ageing rocker, Alice Cooper. Like the real Alice he sports a mane of black hair and wizened, heavily lined features, but for record sales read envelopes. — Necropolis by Guy Portman

Success in this world depends on knowing exactly how little effort each job is worth…distribution of energy… — Vile Bodies by Evelyn Waugh

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. — The Salmon of Doubt by Douglas Adams

If there’s anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now. — The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can’t say ‘No’ in any of them. — While Rome Burns by Dorothy Parker

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A Black Comedy of True Distinction

20 of Literature’s Funniest Quotes II

Jun 02 2017

Last week’s post was devoted to 20 of literature’s funniest quotes. This week sees the second instalment. Here are 20 more quotes from books that I think are amusing, and I hope you will too.

If you’re going to read this, dont bother. After a couple pages, you won’t want to be here. — Choke (opening line) by Chuck Palahniuk

It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard. — The Life and Times of Dorothy Parker by Dorothy Parker

And she’s got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need. — Mostly Sally by P.G. Wodehouse

O God, make me good, but not yet. — Brideshead Revisited by Evelyn Waugh

Oh you exquisite little tart — Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters

To my left a Lithuanian gravedigger idly picks his nose. To my right a mortician plays Sonic on his iPhone … In the row in front a morgue rat, his head resting against his shoulder, snores loudly, a stream of drool hanging from the corner of his mouth. — Necropolis by Guy Portman

Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage. — The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce

If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt? — Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris

Mike nodded. A sombre nod. The nod Napoleon might have given if somebody had met him in 1812 and said, ‘So, you’re back from Moscow, eh?’ — Mike and Psmith by P.G. Wodehouse

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. — The Algonquin Wits by Dorothy Parker

Balloon Tying For Christ was the cheapest balloon manual I could find. — Clown Girl by Monica Drake

Waterless embalming baby, it’s the future. — Necropolis by Guy Portman

The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number. — Very Good, Jeeves! by P.G. Wodehouse

If you’re looking for sympathy you’ll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary. — Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays by David Sedaris

As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect. — The Metamorphosis and Other Stories by Franz Kafka

Free as air; that’s what they say- “free as air”. Now they bring me my air in an iron barrel. — Brideshead Revisited by Evelyn Waugh

A story with a moral appended is like the bill of a mosquito. It bores you, and then injects a stinging drop to irritate your conscience. — Strictly Business by O. Henry

For the better part of my childhood, my professional aspirations were simple–I wanted to be an intergalactic princess. — Seven Up by Janet Evanovich

To look upon Irene is to stare into a looking glass, into a world of cheap retail outlets, suburban cul-de-sacs, Sky television itineraries, frozen Iceland trifles and Co-operative Funeralcare plans. — Necropolis by Guy Portman

Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. — The Unabridged Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce

23 More Quotes about Writing

Jan 27 2017

Here are 23 more quotes about writing, none of which have featured in my previous quote-dedicated blog posts. I hope these will amuse and inspire my fellow authors and readers.

It takes an awful lot of time to not write a book. — Douglas Adams

I wrote a few children’s books. Not on purpose. — Steven Wright

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke. — F. Scott Fitzgerald

You can fix anything but a blank page. — Nora Roberts

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. — Cyril Connolly

I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it shorter. — Blaise Pascal

The beautiful part of writing is that you don’t have to get it right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon. — Robert Cormier

The road to hell is paved with adverbs. — Stephen King

Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good. — Dr. Samuel Johnson

There’s not much to be said about the period except that most writers don’t reach it soon enough. — William Zinsser

No one is drawn to writing about being happy or feelings of joy. — Bret Easton Ellis

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial “we.” — Mark Twain

A person who publishes a book appears willfully in the public eye with his pants down. — Edna St Vincent Millay

There is probably no hell for authors in the next world — they suffer so much from critics and publishers in this. — C. N. Bovee

If you write one story, it may be bad; if you write a hundred, you have the odds in your favor. — Edgar Rice Burroughs

My books are water; those of the great geniuses is wine. Everybody drinks water. — Mark Twain

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience. — Arthur Schopenhauer

I have no taste for either poverty or honest labor, so writing is the only recourse left for me. — Hunter S. Thompson

Don’t classify me, read me. I’m a writer, not a genre. — Carlos Fuentes

You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. — Jack London

A good book isn’t written, it’s rewritten. ― Phyllis A. Whitney

If writers were good businessmen, they’d have too much sense to be writers. — Irvin S. Cobb

Easy reading is damn hard writing. — Nathaniel Hawthorne

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23 Quotes about Writing

Jan 20 2017

Here are 23 amusing and/or pertinent quotes about writing which might be of interest to my fellow authors and readers.

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. — W. Somerset Maugham

Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time. — Howard Nemerov

I hate writing, I love having written. — Dorothy Parker

The scariest moment is always just before you start. — Stephen King

The first draft of anything is shit. — Ernest Hemingway

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. — Douglas Adams

Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that’s where it should stay. — Christopher Hitchens

A bad review may spoil your breakfast, but you shouldn’t allow it to spoil your lunch. — Kingsley Amis

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. — A. J. Liebling

Poetic license is not a license to scribe recklessly. ― C. Kennedy

A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it. ― Mark Twain

A professional writer is an amateur who didn’t quit. — Richard Bach

If you don’t have time to read, you don’t have the time (or the tools) to write. — Stephen King

Don’t get it right – get it WRITTEN! — Lee Child

If you are in difficulties with a book, try the element of surprise: attack it at an hour when it isn’t expecting it. — H.G. Wells

Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money. — Jules Renard

In the end, you have to just sit down, shut up, and write. — Natalie Goldberg

Tomorrow may be hell, but today was a good writing day, and on the good writing days nothing else matters. — Neil Gaiman

The pen is mightier than the sword and considerably easier to write with. — Marty Feldman

I love being a writer. What I can’t stand is the paperwork. — Peter De Vries

Easy writing makes hard reading. — Ernest Hemingway

As for the adjective, when in doubt leave it out. — Mark Twain

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper. — Steve Martin

There will be a second instalment soon.

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Famous Authors’ Bizarre Writing Habits

Nov 18 2016

Many authors have writing habits/routines that could be described as bizarre. Back in 2014 I dedicated a blog post to the subject. This is the second instalment. Here are 8 authors who have/had bizarre writing habits.

Alexandre Dumas — This French writer used different coloured paper for different types of writing. Blue was his colour of choice for fiction, pink for articles, and yellow for poetry.

Ernest Hemingway — Hemingway is one of a number of famous authors who liked/like to write standing up. His preference was to have a typewriter and reading board at chest-height opposite him.

Joan Didion — Literary journalist and novelist Joan Didion spends an hour alone before dinner with a drink, going through what she has written that day. When nearing the end of a book she sleeps in the same room as it.

James Joyce — This eccentric writer wrote in a white coat whilst lying on his stomach in bed. For writing materials he used cardboard and various coloured crayons. Joyce did this because he had poor eyesight. His white coat reflected the light.

Quill2

Friedrich Schiller — German poet Schiller always kept a pile of rotten apples in the drawer of his writing desk. He believed that the aroma inspired him, and that he could not write without it.

Franz Kafka — Kafka’s career left him with little time to write. After work he would rest and eat before commencing writing at 11 p.m. This taxing regime was said to have left him permanently exhausted.

W.H. Auden — This obsessive poet used drugs to balance his routine. He swallowed the amphetamine Benzedrine every morning for 20 years. At night he took the barbiturate Seconal in order to get to sleep.

John Steinbeck — Steinbeck was obsessed with pencils, particularly Blackwing 602’s. Drafts of his books were crafted in pencil, and he always kept 12 perfectly sharpened pencils aligned on his desk. He claimed pencils charged him with invention and energy.

As for me I am prone to wearing ear defenders when writing, to eliminate distracting sounds.

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Work in Progress Blog Hop

Apr 24 2015

I have been nominated for the Work in Progress Blog Hop by author Heather Burnside (heatherburnside.com). Heather is a regular blogger, who likes to share writing tips and information about her books. Heather is currently working on her second novel – a sequel to SLUR, her crime fiction novel, set in 1980s Manchester. Heather has also written a book of short stories called Crime, Conflict & Consequences. Thank you for nominating me Heather.

The blog hop rules are:

Link back to the person who nominated you.
Write a little about and give the first few lines of your first three chapters from your WIP.
Nominate some other writers to do the same.

Here are my nominations:

Andy Lowe – Andy is a poet and author of 4 books. He shares writing excerpts on his blog – andrewlowewriter.wordpress.com

Craig Stone – Craig is the author of 5 humorous novels. He is also something of a Twitter celebrity. Craig shares his unique insights on his blog – http://thoughtscratchings.com

You can find reviews of Heather, Andy and Craig’s books in the review section of my blog.

Here’s a little about my work in progress:

I am currently writing my third novel (Charles Middleworth & Necropolis). It will be an original and suspenseful work of psychological fiction.

This is the opening line:

‘wethiwethi deh klathi nuhnuh – meou klathi bothi iahn’

It’s not even English I hear you say. It is written in a cryptophasia. A cryptophasia is a secret language developed by a set of twins, which only they understand. The word originates from the Latin crypto meaning secret and phasia meaning speech. As you’ve probably guessed by now my book is about twins. Their names are Talulah and Taliah.

Here are the opening lines of my first draft of Chapter 2 and the second paragraph of Chapter 3 (the first contained spoilers).

Chapter 2

Framed watercolours capturing landscapes adorn the white walls of the spacious, brightly lit room, furnished with vivid coloured settees, chairs, polka dotted bean bags and a large glass desk. Spread out on the polished wooden floor in the centre of the room is a large gridded mat with different coloured squares. Taliah is crouched over the mat, each of her feet and hands resting on separate squares. The young psychiatrist, sitting cross-legged beside the mat, says, ‘You ready …’

Chapter 3

As far back as Colin can remember he has been led to believe that ownership of a Ferrari offers the prospect of redemption, but now as he looks down upon its metallic, inanimate form, and its balding proprietor Gerald, heaving his corpulent carcass towards the office entrance, it occurs to Colin that redemption is merely an illusion.

Coffee and writing

Jan 28 2014

Paleo tousled Truffaut pour-over. Williamsburg 8-bit Bushwick Shoreditch scenester roof party irony deep v, McSweeney’s plaid kogi quinoa cardigan trust fund. Thundercats freegan pork belly actually aesthetic, brunch church-key Terry Richardson paleo. Chillwave church-key actually, Tonx fap banh mi seitan. American Apparel chillwave typewriter tattooed VHS, squid 8-bit Pinterest locavore tote bag bitters slow-carb butcher Banksy. Put a bird on it Carles PBR, viral bitters art party mustache Neutra fap Wes Anderson vinyl Etsy Banksy banh mi organic. Kale chips biodiesel mlkshk, sustainable gastropub Shoreditch raw denim American Apparel seitan synth tote bag.

Viral ethnic Thundercats shabby chic gastropub, DIY Portland ethical chia craft beer narwhal Pitchfork tousled. +1 street art sartorial ethnic freegan XOXO pour-over. Retro fanny pack semiotics brunch pork belly selvage. Slow-carb sustainable irony, hella Banksy four loko DIY ennui trust fund cray chambray meggings pug McSweeney’s.

Tag - Writing

If Authors Were Desserts

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20 Bizarre Author-Related Facts

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Authors As Desserts VI

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20 of Literature’s Funniest Quotes III

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20 of Literature’s Funniest Quotes II

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23 Quotes about Writing

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Famous Authors’ Bizarre Writing Habits

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Work in Progress Blog Hop

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Coffee and writing

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Tag - Writing

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