Other | Guy Portman's Blog

A Personal Update

Mar 29 2019

It’s Friday again. They come around pretty quickly when one is in a routine. This week I have been immersed in my garden, removing bamboo. The insidious stuff nearly defeated me, but it’s finally gone. The garden is now being dug up and landscaped.

This is my agricultural building/glorified garden shed. I am considering doing some of my writing in there this summer.

The breakfast of champions.

The below is cockle popcorn. I had it in the pub the other day. Tasty, but frustrating trying to pierce them with cocktail sticks.

My dog Trigga in reflective mood.

This idea might just save telephone boxes from extinction. I came across this one in Southampton the other day. It is a book sharing depot. Perhaps I’ll deposit some of my books in one of these.

That Friday Feeling

Nov 30 2018

I don’t know why I just gave my post the title, That Friday Feeling. Probably because I couldn’t think of anything else. This time last week I was lamenting Black Friday, and comparing it to the Black Death. This week, I want to mention another American invasive species. But, unlike Black Friday this one is most welcome on these shores. If you haven’t tried Five Guys already, I strongly suggest you do so, unless you’re vegetarian or vegan that is. Yesterday, whilst gorging on the below, I tried to put my finger on what is so great about Five Guys. I came to the conclusion it is the consistency of the burgers, which is quite unlike anything we in the UK have experienced before.

After my luncheon, I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to find my car in the carpark. This happens every time I go to the shopping centre. When I finally got home, I worked off some calories cleaning my floor. It looks spotless, if I say so myself.

Some good reviews have appeared on Goodreads and Amazon UK for my new book, Tomorrow’s World: Darkly Humorous Tales From The Future. I could do with some on the US version of Amazon, but hopefully it’s merely a matter of time.

What with all the writing I’ve been doing, I have fallen behind with my reading. I have been rectifying that this week. Reviews of these three books to follow.

If you haven’t already read it, you might be interested in a free copy of my black comedy, Necropolis. Necropolis has been free on all major retailers for a while, but next week it will be re-joining the paid ranks. It is the first part of a proposed trilogy. The books feature meticulous sociopath, Dyson Devereux. The second instalment, Sepultura, was released earlier this year. The third part will be out some time in 2019. Have a good weekend.

Global Reading Habits

Apr 07 2017

Have you ever found yourself wondering about global literacy rates & reading habits. If so you might find this week’s post interesting. Click on the links to discover more.

The most literate nation in the World is: Finland — according to British newspaper, The Guardian.

But when it comes to reading assessment results Singapore comes out as number one.

The World’s least literate nation is South Sudan (literacy rate: 27%) — Grinding poverty and fleeing Janjaweed militias is evidently not conducive to reading.

Who are the World’s most prolific readers?

India — 10 hours, 42 minutes
Thailand — 9:24
China — 8:00
Philippines — 7:36

The USA comes in at number 22 (5:42) one place above my own nation the UK (5:18). Click here to view the survey.

As for the types of books being purchased globally:

Paperbacks: 45%
Hardbound: 27%
Ebooks: 22%
Audio: 2%

(Above figures were taken from this adweek survey)

According to the same survey 43% of books globally were purchased at E-commerce retailers.

We hear a lot about America’s eating habits, but what about their reading habits:

In 2015 77% of American women read a book, compared with 67% of American males.

The top grossing genre in the United States is Romance ($1.44 billion approx.)

As for the United Kingdom’s Reading Habits:

According to this YouGov survey, the average number of books read for pleasure by adults in the UK is approximately 10 per year. The median is 4.

Proportionately no country has more writers than Iceland — 1 in 10 Icelanders will publish a book during their lifetime according to this BBC report.

And the country with the most libraries:

China has 51311 libraries — great news for Chinese library goers unless they are looking for books about Tibet or the Dalai Lama.

As for the most bookstores:

In first place is Hong Kong with 21 bookstores per 100,000 people. Second place goes to Taipei with 17.6.

The World’s fastest readers are according to this survey the Germans (as of 2014). Yes, the Germans are even efficient at reading.

Did you know that the top 6 book markets are the USA, China, Germany, Japan, France & the UK. They account for over 60% of global spending on books.

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14 Curious Literary Terms (Part 2)

Feb 10 2017

A while back I devoted a blog post to the subject of curious literary terms. This is the second and final instalment. The following literary terms are presented in alphabetical order.

Beast Fable — A narrative with speaking animals for characters. These didactic texts aim to teach us lessons about morality. George Orwell’s Animal Farm is one beast fable we are all familiar with.

Bowdlerise — A form of censorship that entails removing perceived indecent, immoral and/or pornographic words/passages from a narrative.

Eye Dialect — The use of unconventional spellings to signify conventional pronunciation. For example, ‘She shud of left by now’ in place of ‘She should have left by now.’

Oneiromancy — The belief that the future can be predicted by analysing dreams.

Onomatopoeia — Words that mimic sounds, e.g. a buzzing bee, or a crackling fire.

Ornamentalism — An elaborate prose style in which the manner of narration is more important than its content. Vladimir Nabokov was an ardent devotee.

Pandect — A book purporting to contain all conceivable information on a given subject.

Portmanteau — A portmanteau combines two or more words to form a new word that expresses a single idea that is different from its component parts. Take brunch, a combination of two words, breakfast and lunch.

Prosopopoeia — A type of personification in which inanimate objects have the ability to speak.

Synecdoche — A device in which a part of a given thing represents the whole, or vice versa. If only I had some wheels (wheels are merely part of a car, but are representative of the whole).

Wanderjahr — A time in a character’s life when they diverge from their usual routine i.e. travelling, gap year etc.

Verbiage — Superfluous words in a sentence that detract from its impact.

Zeitgeist — The trends and fashions that represent the essence of a period in time.

Zoomorphic — Relating to a deity that is believed to take the form of an animal.

My Easter Egg Tour

Apr 03 2015

I was going to dedicate this week’s blog post to books about Easter, but after doing a little research I came to the conclusion that this was not a good subject for a post. Most books about Easter are aimed at children and about half of them are about bunnies.

Yesterday afternoon I took a break from working on my third novel and went to the shops, where I came across a dizzying array of Easter Eggs. This inspired me to write this Easter Egg themed blog post.

As sales at Easter time make up 10% of UK chocolate spending for the whole year, it was no surprise that my local supermarket was seething with Easter eggs (see above), each struggling for attention amongst the crowded shelves. Most chocolate brands merely provide their usual chocolate offering shaped as an egg, but now and again a marketing team comes up with an inspired idea like this Lindt Giant Carrot (see below).

Easter eggs are supposed to be an opportunity to indulge oneself after the privations of Lent, or at least that is what I thought prior to coming across these moo free easter eggs, which are dairy free, wheat free, gluten free, egg free and vegan (see below). I call them Lent Continued Easter Eggs. My condolences to any unfortunate children who will be receiving Lent Continued Easter Eggs this Easter. I can only assume from the sickly looking bunny on the box that moo free eggs aren’t particularly appetising.

The Church of England often laments the loss of religious traditions in the face of relentless consumerism. However all is not lost. Below is The Real Easter Egg. These can be found in stores across the UK. Not only is the story of Jesus depicted on the sides and back of the box, but the chocolate is of the fair trade variety and a percentage of sales go to charity.

For those of us emaciated from our Lenten fasts might I suggest a gargantuan Easter egg (see below). If camouflaged with foliage this Easter Egg could masquerade as part of the scenery in an Easter egg hunt. While I am on the subject of Easter Egg hunts, did you know that the World’s biggest Easter egg hunt was in Florida in 2007, when close to 10,000 children set out to find 501,000 Easter Eggs. This I found surprising considering Florida’s large gator population.

For those unwilling to dine on the chocolate of the proletariat there is the Charbonnel et Walker milk chocolate egg with pink mare de champagne truffle (see below).

There’s always one. Not content with being oval, this Ladurée pretentious petal egg (see below) has embraced a postmodern deconstructed look. It is decorated with crystallised rose, jasmine and violet petals, garnished with dark, milk and praline chocolate figurines and bells. Cost: £72.50.

Did you know that the World’s most popular egg-shaped chocolate is Cadbury’s Creme Egg. Workers at the Cadbury factory in Birmingham produce 1.5 million of them everyday. I am a big fan of Cadbury Creme Eggs. Enjoy your Easter Eggs. Happy Easter.

A Tour of a High-Tech Japanese House

Jan 23 2015

As I have just returned from Japan I have decided to dedicate a couple of blog posts to my trip. I will return to my usual author/book related themed posts in a couple of weeks.

This week’s post takes the form of a tour of a high-tech Japanese house.

Below is a cross-section of someone’s kitchen wall. I have no idea what half of these do.

The picture below is of a Japanese bath. What more could you possibly want from a bath, except taps, I asked myself as I tried to figure out how to fill it with water.

As I don’t have an engineering degree and only a rudimentary knowledge of Japanese Kanji, it took quite a while to work out out how to fill the bath with water of the desired temperature.

It took me an eternity to figure out how to drain the water at the end of my bath. I assumed that as 出 means exit in Japanese that the button on the left of the control with the symbol 出 would do exactly that. However, despite hitting the button numerous times while cursing loudly, nothing happened. Eventually, after considerable trial and error, I discovered that to drain the bath one must press a manual plunger on the right of the tub. Later when I went to the living room I heard the house’s resident Japanese infant swearing in English. This Ied me to discover that the button with the 出 was a telecom system.

Above is a Japanese lavatory. It can initially be quite alarming when the seat opens automatically on entering the room. Below is the controller for the lavatory. It is not necessary to become familiar with the multitude of buttons, as it performs its one necessary function automatically.

I was so keen to show you my magic trick involving a tap that I purchased a WordPress premium package, in order to embed this video in the post, so I do hope you click on it.

I was very fatigued after trying to figure out the technological complexities of the Japanese house, so I went to the shop to buy an energy tonic. The shop had tonics for just about everything (see below).

My 2014 – An Overview

Jan 02 2015

Happy New Year

This week I look back on my 2014. It takes the form of concise extracts from my diary. This might seem a rather narcissistic thing to do, but hopefully some of you might find the entries mildly amusing and/or be interested in the links to the book reviews/blog posts/YouTube video.

January
Wednesday 1st – Have I ever had a less memorable New Year’s?

Monday 27th – Read and reviewed Post Office by Charles Bukowski. What a great book.

Friday 31st – It’s Tax Deadline Day – &#%!@?£*@%

February

Monday 3rd – February is the most desolate of all the months.

Wednesday 5th – Won £250 on a scratch card.

Tuesday 11th – Plumbing disaster – Water pouring through kitchen ceiling.

March

Friday 7th – Today I published the 8th instalment of my Bizarre Author Death Series. With the benefit of hindsight this seems like overkill.

Thursday 20th – Ladurée café Harrods – Ceylon tea and an assortment of macaroons.

Wednesday 26th – Is redemption merely an illusion?

April

Saturday 19th – What’s with all these gluten free Easter eggs? Are they for people who haven’t punished themselves enough over Lent?

Monday 21st – My first WholeFoods experience. I will devote a blog post to the subject.

Thursday 24th – Necropolis launch day.

Friday 25th – 13 Necropolis’ sold in 1 hour on Amazon.eu website. Could I be the next J.K. Rowling?

Wednesday 30th – Amazon Sales Report – It appears I am not on my way to becoming the next J.K. Rowling quite yet.

May

Saturday 3rd – I eat 3 WholeFoods caramel slice things.

Tuesday 6th – Nike Town – This assortment of multi-coloured trainers are far too flamboyant for me.

Saturday 12th – Suffering after yesterday’s Marylebone/Baker Street pub crawl (x12 pubs).

June

Wednesday 4th – The Gym – Holding my breath whilst deadlifting results in excruciating exertion headaches. (Takes several weeks to recover).

Tuesday 10th – Novella shopping spree in Waterstones.

Thursday 12th – World Cup begins.

Tuesday 24th – World Cup ends in humiliation for England at hands of Costa Rica.

July

Monday 7th – After much wheezing and spluttering my washing machine takes its last breath.

Tuesday 8th – Finished reading The Old Man and The Sea by Ernest Hemingway.

Wednesday 9th – Hope deserted this launderette a long time ago.

Thursday 17th – Still thinking about The Old Man and The Sea.

Sunday 20th – Catacombs tour of Brompton Cemetery.

August

Monday 5th – The Gym – I am getting really good at these leg presses; I must be getting close to the World record. Oh maybe not – Ronnie Coleman did x8 reps of 1.043 tons.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmyXXuW8oiA

Friday 22nd – Publish my blog post – My Top 5 Most Disturbing Books Ever – (This will prove to be my most popular blog post ever).

September

Thursday 4th – The Dinner Party – I’ve added too much water to the couscous, this is a catastrophe.

Friday 5th – My weekly blog post – 10 Famous Banned Books.

Saturday 20th – Dinner – Homemade gyoza, highly recommended.

October

Tuesday 9th – Visit Recoleta Cemetery in Buenos Aires.

Tuesday 14th – Dinner – Pleased to be eating something other than steak for a change. A chicken and pigeon combo – delicious.

Wednesday 15th – Santiago del Estero – Northern Argentina – How can it be 40C on a spring day?

Sunday 26th – Go to NFL game between Atlanta Falcons and Detroit Giants at Wembley. I don’t even know the rules. Eat a MacDonald’s, a TGI Friday’s & 3 donuts before 1pm.

Monday 27th – Finish reading and reviewing my first Ballard novel – High-Rise.

November

Monday 10th – Another day another gym mishap – Squashed under bench press, have to cry out for assistance. How embarrassing.

Friday 14th – My weekly blog post – 7 Famous Drug Addicted Authors.

Wednesday 19th – Finish reading and reviewing The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath.

December

Thursday 11th – Necropolis selling well on Amazon.com this week.

Saturday 13th – See my first Selfie Stick (Narcissist Stick) in West End.

Friday 26th – Spend half the day playing Modern Warfare on the PS4. Is this what a mid life crisis looks like?

Saturday 27th – Passport please be in the filing cabinet. NOOOOO.

Wednesday 31st – 23:59 – In Japan at Shinto temple waiting for the bells to toll for New Year.

British Sky Broadcasting

Aug 15 2014

You may remember that last Friday my weekly blog post was about Chinese Internet censorship. When I woke up the following morning I went to check my WordPress blog, only to discover that I could not get into it. The problems did not end there. I was distraught to discover that all WordPress websites were blocked from my computer, this despite the fact that I was able to access other sites on the Internet with no problem. It was obvious what had occurred, the Chinese state’s censors had hacked my blog. By preventing me from accessing WordPress they were silencing my opinions in customary draconian fashion.

It transpired that this assumption couldn’t have been further from the truth. On phoning my provider (Sky) I was informed that it was due to a problem with the server.

Unable to perform my WordPress duties, I turned my attention to other administrative tasks, starting with a still unopened letter from my satellite television provider – Sky. I knew what the letter was going to say before I even opened it. It was another price hike. These seem to arrive every other month these days. The accompanying letter outlined the rationale for the price increase. It promised that there would be yet more American serials. That settled it. I am cancelling.

Companies such as Sky seem to be particularly adept at meeting a want, and then when they have your custom becoming the face of total need. Well not for me, not any more. I only had it for the football anyway.

Television has become like a ladder in recent years. The first rung is the compulsory, overpriced BBC licence fee that you don’t want, after which you proceed to the second rung – the Sky/cable television package, then it is the extra channels, then the 3D package. But you haven’t reached the top yet, and you can’t turn back now, after you’ve climbed all this way. The next rung is pay per view. As television becomes interactive, more rungs are going to be added until the ladder reaches to infinity. I have been climbing this ladder towards heaven, only to find that redemption is merely an illusion. Only now have I realised this.

Fortunately there are books, and if I am desperate my friend’s Netflix account.

Culinary Revelations

Aug 01 2014

Last Wednesday – Pret a Manger. Underneath the adjacent table was a small, inquisitive King Charles Spaniel, attached to a lead. A floral-frocked lady was clasping the end of the lead in one hand whilst nibbling on what appeared to be a Teriyaki salmon salad. She was informing her companion of the perils of gluten, a conversation that I seem to be hearing increasingly regularly these days. However, I was somewhat surprised when she announced that her dog Kuby was now gluten-free.

I couldn’t resist putting this to the test by surreptitiously throwing pieces of bread from my Swedish meatball wrap in Kuby’s direction. Kuby devoured them greedily. A third glutinous threat was mid-air when the lady turning abruptly towards me, demanded to know what I was giving her dog. I wanted to reply that it was merely an organic, gluten-free slice of butternut or an environmentally friendly Edamame Bean, but as there was nothing vaguely resembling anything of that ilk on my table, I was left with no alternative than to merely smile and shrug. I left soon after.

It was a hot, sunny day, so I decided to take a short walk in the local park. There hadn’t been any rain for several days and the place was beginning to resemble the Kalahari. I was sitting on one of the park’s benches when I noticed an animated group of what appeared to be students, on the grass in front of me. Intrigued, I headed over to them. A Mars Ice Cream bar eating contest was taking place. The two competitors were sitting on the grass – one a bulky, sullen looking, male Goth with a nose ring and purple painted nails, the other a very thin T-shirted student type wearing spectacles. Several Goth females and two non-Goth males served as spectators. Cheering commenced as each round of Mars Ice Cream (260 calories each) was devoured. I was informed the loser had to pay for the ice cream, which was going to mean a pretty big bill, as they were already on round eight. From the greenish hue of the Goth it was apparent that he wasn’t going to last much longer. I would have liked to stay for the finale, but I had to go to the bank.

On my way out of the park I considered that this Goth vs. Geek competition could continue with races, relays and obstacle courses. It would probably be more entertaining than the ongoing Commonwealth Games in Glasgow.

All through the meeting at the bank I was thinking about Mars Ice Cream. After leaving the bank I met a friend, who unannounced introduced me to my third culinary surprise of the day, a YouTube video of the annual Cambodian rat harvest, which quelled the desire for any Mars Ice Cream.

The Commonwealth Games

Jul 25 2014

Wednesday Evening – I am idly flicking through the television channels when I stumble across the Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony. If there is a less enthralling sporting event on this planet than the Commonwealth Games, I am yet to hear of it.

However, I found the opening ceremony to be quite entertaining. The display included many things considered synonymous with Scotland, and/or the great city of Glasgow. These included inflatable Loch Ness Monsters, giant Tunnocks Tea Cakes, a huge haggis, golf clubs, Scottish terriers leading out the forty-one participating national teams, and even an Irn-Bru Forth Bridge. Anyone hoping to catch a glimpse of a gargantuan fried Mars Bar, people drinking alcohol out of brown paper bags, or an enormous syringe were no doubt left disappointed. The mascot for the 20th edition of the Games is Clyde (see below – he is named after a thistle that grows on the bank of the Clyde river).

Rod Stewart sang, as did that woman from X-Factor I was hoping I’d seen the last of. We got to see the head of The Commonwealth, the Queen, and a glimpse of the star attraction, Usain Bolt, one of the few global athletic stars that isn’t either ineligible for the Games, or hasn’t succeeded in getting a sick note from their doctor in time.

Controversy was provided in the form of Dr Who actor John Barrowman kissing a man, before dragging him to the altar for a mock wedding. This new version of the Glasgow kiss was presumably not appreciated in the forty-two of the fifty-three Commonwealth countries where homosexuality is illegal. No doubt John Barrowman, who recently wed his male partner, isn’t planning to honeymoon in Nigeria or Uganda, where an anti-homosexuality act was passed earlier this year. Whether Barrowman’s actions are viewed as a defiant stance against homophobia, or symbolic of a prurient nation, is a matter of individual opinion. Quite what the Queen made of it all we can only guess.

That’s it for today. I’ve got to rush off or I’m going to miss The Solomon Islands efforts in the Lawn Bowl.

Category - Other

A Personal Update

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That Friday Feeling

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Global Reading Habits

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14 Curious Literary Terms (Part 2)

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My Easter Egg Tour

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A Tour of a High-Tech Japanese House

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My 2014 – An Overview

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British Sky Broadcasting

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Culinary Revelations

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The Commonwealth Games

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