Satire | Guy Portman's Blog

13 Bewildering Book Titles

Oct 20 2017

I have dedicated numerous blog posts to the topic that is bizarre books. Now it is the turn of bewildering book titles. Here are 13 bewildering book titles.

The Stray Shopping Carts Of Eastern North America

English Smocks

Pornogami

Bowl Better Using Self-Hypnosis

The Art of Faking Exhibition Poultry

Ruby Ann’s Down Home Trailer Park Cookbook

Crafting With Cat Hair

Jewish Chess Masters on Stamps

Snow Caves for Fun and Survival

An Arsonist’s Guide To Writers’ Homes In New England

What Bird Did That?

The Original Road Kill Cookbook

The Mullet: Hairstyle of the Gods

There will be a second instalment at some point.

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Authors As Desserts VI

Oct 06 2017

This week I have been hard at work on my fourth novel, Sepultura. It is the sequel to my black comedy, Necropolis.

I have also written the sixth instalment in my series; authors and the desserts that in my opinion they/their writing corresponds to. Here are 8 authors and their corresponding desserts.

James Patterson

Patterson is one of the best-selling authors of all time.

Corresponding dessert: Vanilla ice-cream

Rationale: Vanilla ice-cream might not be the most enthralling dessert in the world, but many of us eat it all the same.

Emily Dickinson

This prolific American poet and recluse had a penchant for baking.

Corresponding dessert: Hermit Cookies

Paulo Coelho

Coelho is the best-selling Portuguese language author of all time.

Corresponding dessert: Pastel de nata

Rationale: This egg tart pastry dessert is extremely popular throughout the Portuguese-speaking world.

Helen Fielding

Chick lit author Fielding penned Bridget Jones’s Diary.

Corresponding dessert: Pink Cupcakes

Rationale: Pink cupcakes are so pretty you almost don’t want to eat them.

Jim Thompson

Jim Thompson is one of the greatest ‘pulp’ authors of all time.

Corresponding dessert: Mango Pulp

Rationale: This dessert might be pulp but it tastes sweet.

Charles Dickens

Harrowing realism was the order of the day for England’s greatest ever author.

Corresponding dessert: Dessert porridge

Thomas Hardy

Hardy was an English novelist and poet best known for Tess of the d’Ubervilles and Far from the Madding Crowd.

Corresponding dessert: Black Rice Pudding

Rationale: This dessert might be unabated in its blackness but it tastes good.

Ann Coulter

Ann Coulter’s seven best-sellers include Slander: Liberal Lies About the American Right and If Democrats Had Any Brains, They’d Be Republicans.

Corresponding dessert: Cobblers

12 Unfortunate Book Titles

Sep 29 2017

This week sees the second and final instalment in my ‘unfortunate book titles’ series. Here are 12 more books with titles that many would consider to be unfortunate.

Scouts In Bondage

The Art Of Taking A Wife

Oozing For My Lord

A Practical Guide To Racism

Helping The Retarded To Know God

The Loneliest Ho in the World

Beat Your Way to the Top: Masturbation as a technique for business success

Are Women Human?

Innards And Other Variety Meats

The Humanure Handbook

Cooking with Poo

Bitch Are You Retarded

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7 More Books I Wouldn’t Be Seen Dead Reading In Public

Sep 22 2017

This week sees the second instalment in my series — books that I would not be seen dead reading in public.

Dancing with Cats

When in public drawing concern to the fragile state of one’s mental health is ill-advised.

The Doomsday Conspiracy

I read the backs of cartons, chocolate bar wrappers and the writing contained on packets of crisps, but I do not read Sidney Sheldon let alone in public.

Small Game Taxidermy

If your aim is to free up the seats on either side of you on the bus/tube/subway then great, but if not then keep this title stowed away on your bedside table.

Justin Bieber First Step 2 Forever: My Story

If I was a teenage girl then I might well not want to be seen in public without this book, but I am not…

The Joy of Solo Sex

I am already familiar with the subject matter, so I wouldn’t be tempted to read this in public, or anywhere in fact. Might I suggest that anyone who wants to discover more about ‘the joy’ read this in private.

The Wedding

Reading Danielle Steel in private is a traumatic experience, but in public…

The Sex Addiction Workbook

This book may be brimming with ‘proven strategies to help you regain control of your life’, but they are best consumed in private.

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Authors As Desserts V

Sep 15 2017

It has been quite some time since I dedicated a post to the topic of authors and the desserts that in my opinion they/their writing corresponds to. Here are 8 authors and their corresponding desserts.

Karl Marx

Corresponding dessert: Guriev Porridge

Rationale: It is widely believed that this frugal Russian dessert was invented by a serf chef.

Ambrose Bierce

Corresponding dessert: Lemon sorbet

Rationale: Few desserts are more acerbic.

Barbara Cartland

Corresponding dessert: Valentine’s Cookies

Rationale: These pink, heart-shaped morsels all taste the same.

James Joyce

Corresponding dessert: Perfect St. Patrick’s Day Cake

Rationale: This decadent, multi-layered cake is made from Guinness, Irish Cream and bittersweet chocolate.

Franz Kafka

Corresponding dessert: Sourdough Cake

Rationale: This dessert offering might not taste sweet, but it does taste good.

Sophie Kinsella

Corresponding dessert: Pink Waffle

Rationale: Pretty, pink desserts containing little more than air are not for everyone.

Jane Austen

Corresponding dessert: Lemon Drizzle Cake

Rationale: This traditional English offering is bitter yet appetising.

Jilly Cooper

Corresponding dessert: Jam Roly Poly

Rationale: This warm, sticky dessert is a staple of the English upper classes.

13 Unfortunate Book Titles

Sep 01 2017

I hope you are in the mood for some unfortunate book titles. Here are 13 book titles that I consider to be unfortunate.

Fellow Fags

How To Raise Your IQ By Eating Gifted Children

How to Date a White Woman: A Practical Guide for Asian Men

The Missionary Position: Mother Teresa in Theory and Practice

How To Succeed In Business Without A Penis

Games You Can Play With Your Pussy

Castration: The Advantages and the Disadvantages

Street Sword: Practical Use of the Long Blade for Self Defense

Jesus And The ‘G’ Spot

Natural Harvest: A collection of semen-based recipes

semen

A Parent’s Guide To Preventing Homosexuality

The Pocket Book of Boners

A Passion For Donkeys

There will be a further instalment at some point.

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10 Ridiculous Religious Books

Aug 18 2017

This week sees the fourth and final instalment in my religious books series. Here are 10 religious-themed books. I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

Experiencing Bible Science

‘Bible Science’ — That’s an oxymoron.

Scruples How to Avoid Them

Extreme supplication from the looks of things.

Saving Marriage by Applying Biblical Wisdom

That clenched fist is ominous.

The Christian Life is Exciting

The front cover fails to give that impression.

Can I Be a Christian Without Being Weird?

Yes, it is just about possible. But not if you are a Jehovah’s Witness.

Are Your Children Playing With Lucifer’s Testicles?

This is presumably a satire. I base this on its Availability: Usually ships within 24 hours (if Jesus wants it to).

If The Devil Made You Do It You Blew It

What if the Devil didn’t make you do it, and you did it of your own volition?

Why Confess Your Sins To A Priest

Why indeed?

Precious Princess Bible

Brimming with illustrations and captions, this pink abomination informs every little girl that she is ‘God’s precious princess’.

The Monsters Are Coming…

And the winner of worst front cover in the religious genre is…

The 9 Books I’ve Read in 2017

Jun 30 2017

We are half way through 2017 already. Time flies. As is my habit at the half-way point, I am dedicating this blog post to the books that I have read so far this year. The following 9 books are presented in the order in which I read them. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Stalin’s Englishman: The Lives of Guy Burgess

Genre: Non Fiction

This biography of the notorious spy Guy Burgess recounts his life from birth through to premature death in Moscow, aged fifty-two in 1963. After spending his formative years at the naval college Dartmouth…(more)

My Rating: Absorbing

Dreamland: The True Tale of America’s Opiate Epidemic

Genre: Non Fiction

This award winning account of America’s opiate epidemic asserts that its origins are two-fold — the pharmaceutical industry and Mexican importation. In 1996 Purdue Pharma introduced its new opiate-containing…(more)

My Rating: Compelling

Cold Comfort Farm

Genre: Satire

Although harbouring concerns about countryside living, recently orphaned, 19-year-old Flora Poste decides to go and live with relatives in rural Sussex. Her destination, the ramshackle and backward Cold Comfort…(more)

My Rating: Repetitive & somewhat overrated

On the Beach

Genre: Post-Apocalyptic

World War III has culminated in atomic bombs being dropped on the northern hemisphere. The radiation is spreading steadily southwards on the winds, decimating populations in its wake. Stationed in Australia is American…(more)

My Rating: Excellent

I Am Charlotte Simmons

Genre: Satire

Appalachian wunderkind Charlotte Simmons has been awarded a scholarship to Dupont, an elite fictional university, steeped in tradition. Living amongst the cream of America’s youth is set to be a big change for a prudish girl, hailing…(more)

My Rating: Amusing but turgid

Newspaper Diapers

Genre: Transgressive

Newspaper Diapers consists of a series of loosely connected vignettes about child abuse and group homes being recounted by various perverse and narcissistic narrators. The line between abuser and victim is blurred in these traumatic...(more)

My Rating: Deeply disturbing

Race To The Bottom

Genre: Transgressive

Roy is a degenerate and borderline alcoholic with a menial job at retailer Bullseye that pays less than Walmart. Roy’s precarious existence takes a turn for the worse when his overweight girlfriend, fed up with him living on her couch…(more)

My Rating: A relatively entertaining light read

Tortilla Flat

Genre: General

Danny is an unemployed alcoholic, leading a transient existence in Monterrey, California. When Danny inherits two houses in the shabby district of Tortilla Flat, he invites a hobo friend and fellow paisano…(more)

My Rating: Good

Rebecca

Genre: Mystery/Crime/Romance

Our young, unnamed narrator is working as an assistant for a rich American woman in Monte Carlo. It is here that she meets recently widowed, forty-two-year-old Maximilian (Maxim) de Winter. Maxim is the proprietor of Manderley…(more)

My Rating: Excellent

6 Humorous Novels

May 19 2017

This week’s post is dedicated to 6 humorous novels. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Cold Comfort Farm by Stella Gibbons (1932)

Light-hearted and wryly humorous, this satirical work lampoons the romanticised, often doom-laden ‘loam and lovechild’ novels of the 19th and early 20th century.

My Review: Although harbouring concerns about countryside living, recently orphaned, 19-year-old Flora Poste decides to go and live with relatives in rural Sussex. Her destination, the…(more)

My Opinion: Witty but repetitive

Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson (1971)

Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas is a humorous, ludicrous and on occasion repellent social commentary about the demise of the psychedelic, free loving dream of the sixties.

My Review: Hunter S. Thompson’s alter ego, journalist Raoul Duke, and his gargantuan Samoan attorney, Dr Gonzo, are on a drug-fuelled road trip through the desert, destination Las Vegas…(more)

My Opinion: Humorous, ludicrous & relentless

A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole (1980)

This iconic humour book, the 1981 Pulitzer Prize for Fiction winner, is less concerned with plot than focusing on absurd situations, designed to elicit a humorous response.

My Review: Obese, green-hunting-cap-wearing, 30-year-old virgin Ignatius J. Reilly still resides with his mother. With his idiosyncrasies, pompous old-fashioned views and deep-lying suspicion…(more)

My Opinion: Overrated and onerous

I Am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe (2004)

I Am Charlotte Simmons is a humorous satire about campus life. Themes include materialism, social class, race and America’s obsession with college sport.

My Review: Appalachian wunderkind Charlotte Simmons has been awarded a scholarship to Dupont, an elite fictional university, steeped in tradition. Living amongst the cream of America’s youth is…(more)

My Opinion: Hilarious but turgid

The Squirrel that Dreamt of Madness by Craig Stone (2011)

The Squirrel that Dreamt of Madness is a bizarre and humorous novel about the author’s time spent living homeless in a park. Craig has to deal with a multitude of issues that are alien to us home dwellers.

My Review: The author Craig Stone is becoming increasingly disillusioned with the predictability and banality of his everyday existence. Deciding that it is better to live dreaming than to…(more)

My Opinion: Bizarre and humorous

Damned by Chuck Palahniuk (2011)

Damned is a a light-hearted satire of hell, punctuated with comical details, pop-culture references and Theological irony. There are obvious comparisons with Dante’s Inferno.

My Review: The protagonist is thirteen-year-old Madison, the daughter of wealthy alternative parents. The privileged Madison studies at an exclusive Swiss boarding school and spends her holidays alternating…(more)

My Opinion: Quite amusing

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Bizarre Books VIII

May 12 2017

I have yet more bizarre books for you. Every time I think I have exhausted the topic, I discover yet more bizarre books. This is the eighth instalment in the series. Here are 10 bizarre books:

The Goldflower Book of Business Greetings

Ever wondered why you always fail interviews? Next time you have an interview, try introducing yourself with the above handshake.

Eating People is Wrong

Touché

Foreigners & How To Spot Them

Spotting foreigners sounds a bit like birdwatching. Next time I am on the London Tube, I will use this book to identify some foreigners, and then attempt some safe methods of approach.

Innards And Other Variety Meats

Yummy!

How to Good-bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?

Whether it is malarkey or an effective way to say good-bye to depression, constricting one’s anus 100 times per day sounds rather time consuming. I for one am sticking with the pills.

Microwave For One

This book would appear much more impressive if its title was Microwave For One Hundred. Perhaps someone should inform author Sonia Allison that all microwaving for one entails is reading the instructions on the back of the packet.

Bangkok Travel Guide For Men

Imagine what happens when the parcel arrives from Amazon, and the wife opens it.

God Is Great So How Come He Gave Me And Bobby Crossed Eyes

Because he doesn’t like you! (Note: I think this is a fictitious book title).

Enjoying Being Single

Just look at the fun that man is having on the front cover being single. I am feeling nostalgic…

Nuclear War Fun Book

Who would have thought nuclear war could be so much fun.

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Category - Satire

13 Bewildering Book Titles

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Authors As Desserts VI

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12 Unfortunate Book Titles

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7 More Books I Wouldn’t Be Seen Dead Reading In Public

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Authors As Desserts V

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13 Unfortunate Book Titles

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10 Ridiculous Religious Books

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The 9 Books I’ve Read in 2017

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6 Humorous Novels

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Bizarre Books VIII

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Category - Satire

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