Satire | Guy Portman's Blog

Bizarre Books V

Nov 25 2016

Here are 10 more bizarre books. As with previous instalments, I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

It’s Not Going To Get Any Better When You Grow Up

grow-up

Truer words were never spoken.

Mommy, Why is There a Server in the House? server

Mommy: ‘Since daddy left I have been feeling very lonely, and…’

Reusing Old Graves

reusing-graves

Step One: Turf out the occupier…

Mommy, Is It A Sin To Be Fat?

fat

Kid: ‘Mommy, is it a sin to be fat?’

Mommy: ‘It depends how fat.’

Outwitting Squirrels

squirrels

Strategy One: Cover your bird feeder’s pole with glue.

How to Talk to Your Cat About Evolution

cat-evolution

Talking to your cat about evolution is no different from talking to some Americans in the Midwest about evolution, i.e. futile.

Natural Harvest: A collection of semen-based recipes

semen

That caramel pudding on the front cover is enough to put one off semen-based recipes for life.

How to Hold a Crocodile

crocodile

First clasp the crocodile firmly with both hands. No, not by the jaws! … Snap … OW! HELP!

Castration Celebration

castration-celebration

Wow, yeah! Castration celebrations are the best fun ever, but the blood loss is quite off-putting. And I am starting to feel rather faint.

Why Cats Paint

cats-paint

Why cats paint? Boredom mostly. Playing with balls of string and toying with mice can only keep them entertained so long.

I previously stated that part 3 was to be the final instalment in my bizarre books series. I have since changed my mind. Here is part 4. There may well be further additions in the not too distant future. As with the previous instalments, I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

Jogging With Jesus

jogging

There is a peculiar man on the front cover, but no sign of Jesus.

Microwave Cooking for One

microwave

Read the instructions on the back of the packet, place food item in microwave, set time and press start. When microwave makes a beeping noise remove food.

Be Bold With Bananas

banana

If the vile looking concoction on the front cover is anything to go by, it is probably best not to be bold with bananas, and to stick to the tried and trusted peeling followed by eating method.

Circumcisions By Appointment

circumcisions

Client: I want to book a circumcision for next Tuesday at 2:30.

Receptionist: Sorry, no can do. How about 3?

Images You Should Not Masturbate To

masturbate

If the image on the front cover is anything to go by…

Twelve Reasons you should Speak in Tongues

tongues

Reason One: Speaking in tongues is perfect for when you want to appear insane.

Reason Two: Um … let me think … wait … err…

Born-Again Virgin

virgin

To be a born-again virgin follow these simple steps.

Step one: Get a needle and thread.

A Lust For Window Sills

windowsills

Be wary of splinters.

Help! A Bear is Eating Me

bear

If the bear is already eating you then is too late. You should have asked for help earlier.

How To Talk To Your Cat About Gun Safety

gun-safety-cat

Owner: Yes Tiddles, approach the gun like that.

Tiddles: Meow, meow, purr.

Owner: That is the safety switch. Do not turn it off. No!

Tiddles: Meow, hiss!

Owner: Not the trigger. NOOO!

Bang!

Bizarre Books III

Sep 30 2016

This is the final instalment of my Bizarre Books Series. As with Parts 1 & 2, I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

The New Radiation Recipe Book

radiation

For residents of Chernobyl and Fukushima.

Strangers Have The Best Candy

strangers

They do? So why did my mother always tell me not to talk to them?

The Book of Marmalade

marmalade

For those of us who spreading it on our toast is not enough.

I Can Has Cheezburger?

cheezburger

A Pulitzer Prize for Fiction winner this is not.

Do It Yourself Coffins for Pets and People

coffin

‘What’s that leaning against the wall?’

‘My DIY coffin.’

‘But you don’t need a DIY coffin, you’re not dead.’

‘Better to get it done early. DIY coffins are pretty tricky to assemble post-mortem.’

Managing a Dental Practice: The Genghis Khan Way

dental

If the client complains behead them. Then impale the head on a pike. Don’t forget to polish their teeth first.

Everything I Know about Women I Learned from My Tractor

tractor

Presumably not a lot then.

The Do It Yourself Lobotomy

lobotomy

Step One: Take the saw, hold it to the top of your head, and away you go — SsSsSsSsSs.

The Joy of Uncircumcising!

uncircumcising

Joy? — Needle, thread, skin. Really?

How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack

gnome

You mean to tell me that gnomes are not only the height of bad taste, they also attack.

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Click here to read Bizarre Books Part II.

9 Twitter Types

Sep 16 2016

Back in 2012 when I was a Twitter neophyte I wrote a series of satirical posts about the tweeting habits of the various species that inhabit Twitter. Today sees a return to the subject.

Aims & Objectives: To observe and document the tweeting habits of 9 Twitter species.

#Hyperactive #Hashtagger (Perquam strennus)
Incessant tweeters who can be distinguished from other species of the voluminous variety by the ubiquitous #. Nine #’s have been recorded in a single tweet.

Convivial Communicator (Amica Garrulus)
These social creatures calls are audible throughout their waking hours. They typically comprise RTs’, conversational tweets and on occasion self-promotion.

Continual Commentator (Semper Nuntius)
Tweets are nearly always in the form of a statement, rarely part of a conversation, and more often than not contain opinion. It was with a heavy heart that I observed a Semper Nuntius specimen I had first come across back in 2012 still giving daily updates about their television watching itinerary.

Harmonious Helper (Concordi adiutor)
An enthusiastic and contented species that rarely tweets at a rate of more than 10 tweets per hour. They are known to provide detailed instructional information for the benefit of the herd.

Hate Hawker (Auctor odio)
These spite-filled animals vitriol tends to be directed at a particular minority group. In this observer’s opinion Auctor odio would be more readily accepted were they to mix things up with less fervent messages, such as the contents of their sandwich at lunch.

Mundane Messenger (Nuntius mundane)
Nuntius mundane calls consist of random information tweeted throughout its waking hours.

Don’t you just love it when the kettle boils faster than you thought it would — sent from Iphone

Irritating Interloper (Vexo tertius)
Vexo Tertius is a flurry tweeter, who utilises statements and excessive capitalisation. They are prone to using the words I/Me/My (regional variations may apply).

Grammar Goons (Grammatica maculat)
im ready bt mi computer bout dead innit need 2 find mi charga bt ima take it t2 mi sista haus lolz

The prevalence of such tweets is a concern for the future of the English language.

Positivity Purveyor (Inspiratori Novitatis)
Also known as Didactic Dispatchers, these relentlessly optimistic creatures are often well received by other species.

You can’t change what has already happened, so don’t waste your time thinking about it. Move on, let go, and get over it. — It all gets rather earnest for this specimen’s taste.

@GuyPortman

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Bizarre Books II

Aug 26 2016

Here is Part II of my Bizarre Books Series. As with Part 1 I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

If God Loves Me Why Can’t I Get My Locker Open

God Locker

Because you forgot the key.

How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found

Dissapear

Would you trust the author to make you disappear when he can’t spell disappear?

How to Abandon Ship

Abandon Ship

Brimming with helpful tips from Argentine sailors.

Is God In Your Bedroom?

God Bedroom

Well he’s not behind the door or in the wardrobe.

Extreme Ironing

Extreme Ironing

I don’t know about you, but I need to learn how to iron a shirt with the creases in the right places before attempting any extreme ironing.

Hitler: Neither Vegetarian Nor Animal Lover

Hitler

When in his countryside residence, Berghof, Hitler would march around the grounds munching on schnitzels whilst ranting at any livestock he came across with non Aryan characteristics. ‘Unter tier. Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei verboten unter tier…’

How To Sharpen Pencils

Pencils

Insert pencil into sharpener and rotate. Repeat until pencil is sharp.

The Missionary Position: Mother Teresa in Theory and Practice

Mother Theresa

Publishing Company CEO: ‘Are you the jackass who agreed to publish this book?’

Employee: ‘Err yes … I’m sorry, I didn’t notice that the title could be deemed offensive to some.’

Publishing Company CEO: ‘The Vatican has declared us to be heretics. You’re finished here. Clear your desk!’

We Never Went To The Moon

Moon

Author: ‘Do you believe NASA of the USA ever set foot on the moon in and after 1969 or do you doubt it?’

‘I can honestly say I’ve never given it any thought. On another subject did you use WordArt to design your front cover? … You did didn’t you.’

Collectible Spoons of the 3rd Reich

Spoons Reich

Not interested. I only collect 3rd Reich forks.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

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7 Satirical Novels

Aug 19 2016

As followers of this blog know I am an enthusiastic satire reader and writer. This week’s post is dedicated to 7 satirical novels.

Satire definition: the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly...

Candide by Voltaire (1759)

Candide

Candide is an eighteenth-century satirical classic that evaluates optimism; the prevailing philosophical ideology during The Enlightenment. Voltaire adroitly sought to dispel the belief that all is for the best when it is not.

My Review: Brought up in the household of a German baron, cheerful protagonist Candide has been instilled with the philosophy of Leibniz, notably – That all is for the best in this, the best of all possible worlds…(more)

My Opinion: Amusing

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain (1884)

Huckleberry Finn

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is a satire of American southern antebellum society that parodies religion, morality, literature and above all the practice of slavery.

My Review: 13-year-old Huckleberry Finn is living in Missouri with a widow who plans to ‘sivilize’ him. That is until his alcoholic father relocates him to an isolated cabin in the woods. Huck fakes his own death and escapes…(more)

My Opinion: Okay but turgid.

Brave New World by Aldous Huxley (1932)

Brave New World

Brave New World utilises erudite social commentary to explore mankind’s inherent nature. Huxley’s portentous vision has proven to be prescient in its prediction of a science-controlled, consumer culture.

My Review: Brave New World is set in a society where everything is controlled. The parentless, manufactured, free-loving population are dependent on a state-endorsed hallucinogenic, happiness drug called Soma…(more)

My Opinion: Very good

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller (1961)

Catch-22

Catch-22 is a satire whose central theme is the futility of war. The book employs a distinctive writing style, an innovative out of sequence narration of events, imaginative descriptions, paradox and grandiloquent language.

My Review: Set on the Mediterranean island of Pianosa during WWII, Catch-22 is about the exploits of the fictitious 256th Squadron. We follow protagonist Yossarian and his comrades’ farcical attempts to…(more)

My Opinion: A rambling text

High-Rise by J.G. Ballard (1975)

High-Rise

Replete with similes and occurrences of the word ‘percolate’, High-Rise is a tense, bleak and satirical book about conflict that explores the connection between technology and the human condition.

My Review: Set in an apartment tower block in London, High-Rise is a dystopian tale about the intense animosity that develops between the building’s various floors. The story centres around three main characters…(more)

My Opinion: Quite good

Death And The Penguin by Andrey Kurkov (1996)

Death And The Penguin

Set in the post-Soviet Ukraine of the 1990s, Death And The Penguin is a bizarre, bleak, surreal and at times darkly humorous crime novel and tragicomedy that combines political and social commentary.

My Review: Kiev resident and journalist Viktor lives in a small flat with Misha, his pet Emperor Penguin, purchased from the near destitute city zoo. Viktor has ambitions of becoming a novelist or short story writer…(more)

My Opinion: Okay

Rant by Chuck Palahniuk (2007)

Rant

Rant challenges our own traditions by demonstrating how we contort our recollection of events in accordance with our desires, motives and beliefs. There are obvious parallels with the gospels.

My Review: Rant is the oral history of Buster ‘Rant’ Casey, recounted by an array of people including his relations, friends, enemies and lovers. Rant’s childhood companions from the small rural town where…(more)

My Opinion: Thought-provoking but convoluted.

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‘The book is full of razor-sharp satire’ – Crime Fiction Lover

10 of History’s Greatest Satirists

Jul 15 2016

Here are 10 great literary satirists from history. They are presented in chronological order:

Aristophanes (444 B.C. – 385 B.C.)

Ancient Athenian playwright Aristophanes’ plays are still performed to this day. Respected and feared for his comic wit and scathing satire, he was merciless in his mockery of religious figures, politicians and poets. His victims included such influential figures as Euripides, Cleon and Socrates.

Chaucer (1343 – October 25th 1400)

Chaucer was the Middle Ages most famous poet. He was also an ardent humorist, who was highly critical of the order of the day, particularly the Catholic Church. His most famous work, The Canterbury Tales, is rife with comedic social satire.

Erasmus (October 28th 1466 – July 12th 1536)

Erasmus was a Dutch priest, theologian and social critic. He is best remembered for his satirical attack on the superstitions of the Church in his essay, In Praise of Folly. It is considered one of the most important works of the Renaissance.

Francois Rabelais (February 4th 1494 – April 9th 1553)

Rabelais was a French Renaissance physician, monk and writer, who was famed for his satirical wit and crude sense of humour. His seminal work, The Life of Gargantua and of Pantagruel, is a comedic masterpiece that satirises many elements of the Renaissance.

Jonathan Swift
(November 30th 1667 – October 19th 1745)

Swift was a cleric and author. His most famous title, Gulliver’s Travels, is a satire on human nature. It was a bestseller on publication, and remains popular to this day. The author’s ironic writing style led to subsequent satires similar to his own being labelled ‘Swiftian’.

Voltaire (November 21st 1694 – May 30th 1778)

Voltaire was unrelenting in his criticism of the order of his day. His beliefs and determination to voice them resulted in 2 stints in The Bastille. Voltaire’s seminal work, the satirical Candide, was widely viewed as blasphemous and revolutionary at the time of its publication.

Jane Austen(December 16th 1775 – July 18th 1817)

English novelist Jane Austen’s novels remain popular to this day. She was a supreme social satirist, who employed irony to criticise and parody the social order. Subjects included social class and 19th century views of women, particularly regarding marriage.

Nikolai Gogol (March 31st 1809 – March 4th 1852)

Gogol was a short story writer, dramatist and author, who utilised comic realism and acerbic satire in his writing. His targets included what he viewed as the unseemly elements of Imperial Russia. Gogol’s descriptions of bureaucrats and Russian provincials influenced many later writers.

Mark Twain (November 30th 1835 – April 21st 1910)

Mark Twain was an American author and humourist best known for The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and its sequel Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. The books are a satire of American southern antebellum society that parody religion, morality, and above all the practice of slavery.

Ambrose Bierce (June 24th 1842 – Circa 1914)

Bierce was a journalist, editorialist, writer and unrelenting satirist, whose satirical works include the lexicon, The Devil’s Dictionary, and the short story, An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge. The derisive satire that he employed in his writing earned him the moniker ‘Bitter Bierce’.

Next week’s blog post will be dedicated to more recent and contemporary satirists.

Bizarre Book Trivia

May 13 2016

Yesterday whilst whiling away some time on the internet I discovered some bizarre book trivia, which I thought might make a good foundation for a blog post. Here goes:

Most Bizarre Book Ever: BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and Also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!! by ELIYZABETH YANNE STRONG-ANDERSON.

WorstBook

I was planning to read it, but considered the price (£20.95) prohibitive. The reason for me choosing it (the title is too long to repeat) is because of Michael N. Marcus’s review in his book Stinkers:

Every letter in book capitalised
Ridden with grammatical errors
Ludicrous subject matter
Excessive price tag
Neurotic nature of its author

Most Offensive Book Title Ever: Helping The Retarded To Know God by H. R. Hahn & W. H. Raasch.

Retarded

I imagine this book wasn’t welcomed with open arms even when it was published back in 1969. As for the question How does one help the retarded to know God? As no one to the best of my knowledge has ever known God, I can only assume it’s a challenge.

Book genres: Have you noticed how many genres and sub genres are around these days. Take Punk literature (related to punk subculture). There are 13 sub genres, in addition a host of tenuous ones. Punk’s official sub genres are: Cyberpunk, Steampunk, Dieselpunk, Biopunk, Bugpunk, Transistorpunk, Nanopunk, Decopunk, Atompunk, Teslapunk, Clockpunk, Splatterpunk & Mythpunk…

Here is an imaginary conversation:

Do you enjoy reading?
Yeah.
Me too. Which genres do you like?
Primarily Dieselpunk and Biopunk with a smattering of Transistorpunk.

According to wiki the Romance genre has 36 sub genres. Every man/woman to his/her tastes, but for me reading with 1 hand whilst holding a sick bucket with the other isn’t much fun.

heart

A person who reads 50 Shades of Grey has no advantage over one who can’t read. — Guy Portman

The infestation of erotica/erotic romance titles means that it is extremely difficult for authors to come up with novel ideas, but I have one — Romeo & Juliet, the Asphyxiation Erotica version.

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: Ghuahh! Ghuahh!
Juliet: O’ there art thou with a plastic bag thrust over thy head.

Fans of zoophilia-themed, BBW, paranormal shapeshifter romances might be interested in Hedging His Bets by Celia Kyle & Mina Carter. It is touted as the book that makes hedgehogs sexy.

Hedge

Bad-boy Blake Carlisle is a big, badass biker with a secret — he’s a werehedgehog. It is obvious that Blake and Honey are meant to be together — because he loves rubenesque beauties and she loves hedgehogs .

Here’s an extract: Plopping down on the floor, she opened the cage and lifted each of them out. She rolled around on the ground making yipping noises, mimicking them to the best of her ability, and just playing with the cute little things. … Who needed a man when she had hedgies?

Category - Satire

Bizarre Books V

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Bizarre Books IV

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Bizarre Books III

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Bizarre Books II

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7 Satirical Novels

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10 of History’s Greatest Satirists

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Bizarre Book Trivia

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Category - Satire

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