bizarre books | Guy Portman's Blog

8 Books That Made Me Laugh

Oct 19 2018

This week’s post is devoted to some more highlights from my bizarre books series. Here are 8 books that made me laugh. Well, I haven’t read any of them, but just looking at them makes me laugh.

Managing a Dental Practice: The Genghis Khan Way

dental

If the client complains behead them. Then impale the head on a pike. Don’t forget to polish their teeth first.

We Never Went To The Moon

Moon

Author: ‘Do you believe NASA of the USA ever set foot on the moon in and after 1969 or do you doubt it?’

‘I can honestly say I’ve never given it any thought. On another subject did you use WordArt to design your front cover? … You did didn’t you.’

Scruples How to Avoid Them

Extreme supplication from the looks of things.

The Christian Life is Exciting

The front cover fails to give that impression.

Helping The Retarded To Know God

And the winner of the most offensive book title is…

It’s Not Going To Get Any Better When You Grow Up

grow-up

Truer words were never spoken.

God’s Masturbation Solution

Penned by M. L. Brown — Reverend and masturbation connoisseur.

Thinking Biblically About The iPod

If there is a more obscure book title out there, I am yet to come across it.

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12 Peculiar Books

Sep 21 2018

This week’s post is dedicated to some of the peculiar/bizarre books out there.

Here are 12 peculiar books:

Dancing with Jesus

Do you ever feel embarrassed by something, even though you are not responsible for it.

How To Preserve Animal and Other Specimens in Clear Plastic

If you are looking for a 50-something year old book about keeping dead things in plastic then look no further.

Dancing with Cats

A sure of attracting the attention of the men in white coats.

Does GOD Ever Speak through CATS?

Cat: ‘Meow! Meow! Purr, purr…’

Person: ‘That’s God speaking. Sssh …’

BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and Also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!!

Amen!

Crafting With Cat Hair

That is one creepy book.

The Homosexual god and The Children of Satan

There is one sure way to make your book invisible on online book retailers. Make the cover completely black.

Saving Marriage by Applying Biblical Wisdom

That clenched fist looks ominous.

A Passion For Donkeys

Extraordinary.

Oozing For My Lord

That is one unfortunate title.

The Stray Shopping Carts Of Eastern North America

The one on the cover looks like a 2009 Wal-Mart MX19V.

Experiencing Bible Science

‘Bible Science’ — What’s that? The definition of an oxymoron?

10 Ludicrous Books

Jun 01 2018

This week sees the second and final instalment in my bizarre book series highlights. Here are 10 bizarre/ludicrous book titles.

Jogging With Jesus

jogging

There is a peculiar man on the front cover, but no sign of Jesus.

25 Placenta Recipes

placenta-recipes
Finally! I have grown tired of plain boiled placentas.

Natural Harvest: A collection of semen-based recipes

semen

That caramel pudding on the front cover is enough to put one off semen-based recipes for life.

Make Your Own Sex Toys

Could they not have come up with a more amorous front cover.

Innards And Other Variety Meats

Yummy!

Semenology: The Semen Bartender’s Handbook

semenology

Let this book be a warning to all those who treat bartenders badly.

Cards As Weapons

cards-as-weapons

Using cards as throwing stars can be very useful when you are poised to lose money on a card game.

The Goldflower Book of Business Greetings

Ever wondered why you always fail interviews? Next time you have an interview, try introducing yourself with the above handshake.

Beat Your Way to the Top: Masturbation as a technique for business success

CEO: ‘Jesus Christ put it away! What the %$@* do you think you’re doing?’

Junior Employee: ‘Just beating my way to the top.’

Walmart Atlas

What with a new Walmart springing up every five seconds, presumably Walmart Atlases date pretty quickly.

I am fascinated by bizarre books, and have devoted numerous blog posts to the subject in recent years. This week’s post consists of some of the highlights. Here are 15 books that I consider to be bizarre. I have added pithy comments/fictitious dialogue below each.

Gadsby: A Lipogram Novel

Gadsby2

This 50,000+ word lipogram novel claims not to use the letter e.

How many e’s can you spot on the front cover?

Nuclear War Fun Book

Who would have thought nuclear war could be so much fun.

How To Make Your Own Dolls For Pleasure And Profit

The highly unimaginative front cover makes me suspicious as to Schauffler’s doll making abilities, be they for pleasure or profit.

How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found

Would you trust the author to make you disappear when he can’t spell disappear?

Why Cats Paint

cats-paint

Why cats paint? Boredom mostly. Playing with balls of string and toying with mice can only keep them entertained so long.

How To Talk To Your Cat About Gun Safety

gun-safety-cat

Owner: Yes Tiddles, approach the gun like that.

Tiddles: Meow, meow, purr.

Owner: That is the safety switch. Do not turn it off. No!

Tiddles: Meow, hiss!

Owner: Not the trigger. NOOO!

Bang!

Dating for Under a Dollar: 301 Ideas

Dollar Dating

Go to McDonald’s with your date and order a grilled onion cheddar burger from the dollar menu, then pull out 99c and plead until they let you off the 1c. Now cut the burger in 2 and give her/him half, but with all the onions.

Date: ‘All the onions? That’s so kind. Are you sure?’

You: ‘Yes I’m sure. Now eat them before I change my mind.’

The Book of Marmalade

marmalade

For those of us who spreading it on our toast is not enough.

How to Abandon Ship

Abandon Ship

Brimming with helpful tips from Argentine sailors.

Latawnya, the Naughty Horse, Learns to Say “No” to Drugs

Horse

This is how I imagine Latawnya the Naughty Horse learns how to say ‘No’ to drugs.

Someone walks into Latawnya’s stable holding some drugs.

Person: ‘Hi Latawnya you naughty horse, would you like some drugs?’

Latawnya: ‘Neighhhh.’

‘Let’s try that again shall we. Would you like some drugs?’

‘Neighhhh.’

‘Would you like some drugs?’

‘Neighhhno.’

Latawyna has learnt to say no to drugs. Have you?

How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack

gnome

You mean to tell me that gnomes are not only the height of bad taste, they also attack.

Collectible Spoons of the 3rd Reich

Spoons Reich

Not interested. I only collect 3rd Reich forks.

Microwave Cooking for One

microwave

Read the instructions on the back of the packet, place food item in microwave, set time and press start. When microwave makes a beeping noise remove food.

CB for Christians

There are books written millennia ago that have dated better than this.

Big & Little Crochets

What ludicrous garments.

13 Baffling Book Titles

Nov 03 2017

This week sees the second instalment in my bewildering/baffling book titles series. Here are 13 baffling book titles. Click on the links to learn more about them.

How To Pray When You’re Pissed At God

Knitted Meerkats

Are Women Human?

My Parents Open Carry

Scouting for Boys

277 Secrets Your Snake (And Lizard) Wants You To Know

How to Be Happy Though Married

Cheese Problems Solved

Enjoy Your Pigeons

Old Age Its Cause and Prevention

Your Three-Year-Old: Friend Or Enemy

How To Train Goldfish Using Dolphin Training Techniques

How To Become A Schizophrenic

I hope you found these titles mildly amusing. Click here to sign up to my monthly book-related newsletter.

13 Bewildering Book Titles

Oct 20 2017

I have dedicated numerous blog posts to the topic that is bizarre books. Now it is the turn of bewildering book titles. Here are 13 bewildering book titles.

The Stray Shopping Carts Of Eastern North America

English Smocks

Pornogami

Bowl Better Using Self-Hypnosis

The Art of Faking Exhibition Poultry

Ruby Ann’s Down Home Trailer Park Cookbook

Crafting With Cat Hair

Jewish Chess Masters on Stamps

Snow Caves for Fun and Survival

An Arsonist’s Guide To Writers’ Homes In New England

What Bird Did That?

The Original Road Kill Cookbook

The Mullet: Hairstyle of the Gods

There will be a second instalment at some point.

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Bizarre Books VIII

May 12 2017

I have yet more bizarre books for you. Every time I think I have exhausted the topic, I discover yet more bizarre books. This is the eighth instalment in the series. Here are 10 bizarre books:

The Goldflower Book of Business Greetings

Ever wondered why you always fail interviews? Next time you have an interview, try introducing yourself with the above handshake.

Eating People is Wrong

Touché

Foreigners & How To Spot Them

Spotting foreigners sounds a bit like birdwatching. Next time I am on the London Tube, I will use this book to identify some foreigners, and then attempt some safe methods of approach.

Innards And Other Variety Meats

Yummy!

How to Good-bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?

Whether it is malarkey or an effective way to say good-bye to depression, constricting one’s anus 100 times per day sounds rather time consuming. I for one am sticking with the pills.

Microwave For One

This book would appear much more impressive if its title was Microwave For One Hundred. Perhaps someone should inform author Sonia Allison that all microwaving for one entails is reading the instructions on the back of the packet.

Bangkok Travel Guide For Men

Imagine what happens when the parcel arrives from Amazon, and the wife opens it.

God Is Great So How Come He Gave Me And Bobby Crossed Eyes

Because he doesn’t like you! (Note: I think this is a fictitious book title).

Enjoying Being Single

Just look at the fun that man is having on the front cover being single. I am feeling nostalgic…

Nuclear War Fun Book

Who would have thought nuclear war could be so much fun.

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10 Very Bizarre Books

May 05 2017

Earlier this week I was perusing the internet in search of yet more bizarre books. I found some. This week sees the seventh instalment in my bizarre books series. Here are 10 bizarre books. I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

5 Very Good Reasons To Punch A Dolphin In The Mouth

Reason 1: Dolphins make annoying squeaking noises.

Beat Your Way to the Top: Masturbation as a technique for business success

CEO: ‘Jesus Christ put it away! What the %$@* do you think you’re doing?’

Junior Employee: ‘Just beating my way to the top.’

Jesus Spells Freedom

Jesus spells Freedom? — Well maybe, but that front cover certainly doesn’t.

How To Make Your Own Dolls For Pleasure And Profit

The highly unimaginative front cover makes me suspicious as to Schauffler’s doll making abilities, be they for pleasure or profit.

CB for Christians

There are books written millennia ago that have dated better than this.

The Ladybird Book of Child Labour

Yes, back in the days when this book was published white kids did child labour too. I believe this is a fictitious title.

Make Your Own Sex Toys

Could they not have come up with a more amorous front cover.

How To Preserve Animal and Other Specimens in Clear Plastic

If you are looking for a 50-something year old book about keeping dead things in plastic then look no further.

Walmart Atlas

What with a new Walmart springing up every five seconds, presumably Walmart Atlases date pretty quickly.

Big & Little Crochets

What ludicrous garments.

Click here to sign up to my monthly book-related newsletter.

A Black Comedy of True Distinction

10 Farcical Religious Books

Apr 21 2017

This week sees the third and most likely final instalment in my bizarre religious books series. Here are 10 religious-themed books. I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

Behold Now Behemoth: Dinosaurs All Over the Bible!

I can only assume the author is confusing The Bible with Jurassic Park.

A Potato That Wasn’t A Christian

So what if a potato wasn’t a Christian. Potatoes are tasty regardless of their religion, unless they are Sikh. There are few things less appetising than a roasted turban.

Born-Again Virgin

To be a born-again virgin follow these simple steps.

Step one: Get a needle and thread.

Liar, Liar, Mullet On Fire: Extinguishing Lies We Believe with God’s Truth

No prizes for guessing who the target readership of this book is.

If God Loves Me Why Can’t I Get My Locker Open

Because you forgot the key.

The Homosexual god and The Children of Satan

There is one sure way to make your book invisible on online book retailers. Make the cover completely black.

It’s a sin to be fat

Is it still a sin if the fatness is not a result of gluttony or sloth, but an under-active thyroid? I guess I will have to read the book to find out.

Great Dinosaur Mystery and the Bible

Not those pesky dinosaurs again.

When Catholics Die: Eternal Life or Eternal Damnation?

Eternal life unless they write books with tasteless, purple front covers.

BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and Also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!!

Amen!

Bizarre Books VI

Dec 09 2016

This week sees the sixth and final instalment of my bizarre books series. As with previous instalments I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

And now for the 10 bizarre books:

Dancing with Cats

dancing-with-cats