books | Guy Portman's Blog

10 Very Bizarre Books

May 05 2017

Earlier this week I was perusing the internet in search of yet more bizarre books. I found some. This week sees the seventh instalment in my bizarre books series. Here are 10 bizarre books. I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

5 Very Good Reasons To Punch A Dolphin In The Mouth

Reason 1: Dolphins make annoying squeaking noises.

Beat Your Way to the Top: Masturbation as a technique for business success

CEO: ‘Jesus Christ put it away! What the %$@* do you think you’re doing?’

Junior Employee: ‘Just beating my way to the top.’

Jesus Spells Freedom

Jesus spells Freedom? — Well maybe, but that front cover certainly doesn’t.

How To Make Your Own Dolls For Pleasure And Profit

The highly unimaginative front cover makes me suspicious as to Schauffler’s doll making abilities, be they for pleasure or profit.

CB for Christians

There are books written millennia ago that have dated better than this.

The Ladybird Book of Child Labour

Yes, back in the days when this book was published white kids did child labour too. I believe this is a fictitious title.

Make Your Own Sex Toys

Could they not have come up with a more amorous front cover.

How To Preserve Animal and Other Specimens in Clear Plastic

If you are looking for a 50-something year old book about keeping dead things in plastic then look no further.

Walmart Atlas

What with a new Walmart springing up every five seconds, presumably Walmart Atlases date pretty quickly.

Big & Little Crochets

What ludicrous garments.

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A Black Comedy of True Distinction

6 American Satirical Novels

Apr 28 2017

This week’s post is dedicated to 6 satirical novels by 6 American authors. They are presented in the order in which they were published. Click on the links to read my reviews.

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain (1884)

Huckleberry Finn

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is a satire of American southern antebellum society that parodies religion, morality, literature and above all the practice of slavery.

My Review: 13-year-old Huckleberry Finn is living in Missouri with a widow who plans to ‘sivilize’ him. That is until his alcoholic father relocates him to an isolated cabin in the woods. Huck fakes his own death and escapes…(more)

Subjects Satirised: Slavery & numerous others

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller (1961)

Based on Heller’s own experiences as a bombardier in WWII, this best-selling, satirical, anti-war novel, took its American author eight years to write.

My Review: Set on the Mediterranean island of Pianosa during WWII, Catch-22 is about the exploits of the fictitious 256th Squadron. We follow protagonist Yossarian and his comrades’ farcical attempts…(more)

Subject Satirised: War

Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut (1969)

Slaughterhouse-Five’s anti-war rhetoric has resulted in it being banned from numerous US schools and libraries. This satirical story is about a survivor of the notorious firebombing of Dresden.

My Review: Narrated in a non-linear order, the story follows protagonist Billy Pilgrim’s journey through life. A married optometrist with two children, Billy is a veteran of World War II, and a survivor of the notorious…(more)

Subject Satirised: War

Glamorama by Bret Easton Ellis (1998)

Glamorama adeptly captures the hedonism of 1990s New York. In typical Ellis fashion the text is punctuated with numerous pop-culture references, sporadic descriptions of violence and graphic sexual encounters.

My Review: Victor Ward aka Victor Johnson is a male model living in 1990s Manhattan. Victor is a vapid, soulless character, obsessed with celebrity culture, who lives an existence that revolves around social connections and…(more)

Subject Satirised: 1990s

Choke by Chuck Palahniuk (2001)

This nihilistic novel is about our innate craving for attention and the fundamental nature of addiction. Its protagonist has a penchant for purposely choking on food at expensive restaurants.

My Review: The protagonist, Victor Mancini, is a sex addict employed at an eighteenth-century historical re-enactment park. Victor attends various sexual addiction support groups, where he meets many…(more)

Subjects Satirised: Addiction treatments & contemporary society

I Am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe (2004)

I Am Charlotte Simmons is a humorous satire about campus life. Themes include materialism, social class, race and America’s obsession with college sport.

My Review: Appalachian wunderkind Charlotte Simmons has been awarded a scholarship to Dupont, an elite fictional university, steeped in tradition. Living amongst the cream of America’s youth is…(more)

Subjects Satirised: Campus life & numerous others

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10 Farcical Religious Books

Apr 21 2017

This week sees the third and most likely final instalment in my bizarre religious books series. Here are 10 religious-themed books. I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

Behold Now Behemoth: Dinosaurs All Over the Bible!

I can only assume the author is confusing The Bible with Jurassic Park.

A Potato That Wasn’t A Christian

So what if a potato wasn’t a Christian. Potatoes are tasty regardless of their religion, unless they are Sikh. There are few things less appetising than a roasted turban.

Born-Again Virgin

To be a born-again virgin follow these simple steps.

Step one: Get a needle and thread.

Liar, Liar, Mullet On Fire: Extinguishing Lies We Believe with God’s Truth

No prizes for guessing who the target readership of this book is.

If God Loves Me Why Can’t I Get My Locker Open

Because you forgot the key.

The Homosexual god and The Children of Satan

There is one sure way to make your book invisible on online book retailers. Make the cover completely black.

It’s a sin to be fat

Is it still a sin if the fatness is not a result of gluttony or sloth, but an under-active thyroid? I guess I will have to read the book to find out.

Great Dinosaur Mystery and the Bible

Not those pesky dinosaurs again.

When Catholics Die: Eternal Life or Eternal Damnation?

Eternal life unless they write books with tasteless, purple front covers.

BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and Also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!!

Amen!

Books and Publishing (Part 2)

Apr 15 2017

Last week’s post was about global reading habits. This week sees the second instalment. Here are some interesting facts about global reading habits and the publishing industry in general. Click on the links to discover more.

According to Bowker and book industry data, as of September 2016, there were 134,021,533 unique books in the world. I am sure you will all agree that is a lot of books.

As we are all aware the number of self-published works has risen dramatically in recent years. But the figures are astounding. In 2015 alone, 727,125 ISBNs were applied to self-published works (print & digital books).

With regards to which country publishes the most books, I was under the impression it was America, but I was mistaken. China publishes the most. 440,000 as of 2013.

A few days ago I was emailed this infographic by one of its creators. It gives estimates as to how long it takes to read some of the world’s best-known books. Perhaps the readers they surveyed were Germans (world’s fastest readers). It certainly took a lot longer for me to read Brave New World (63,766 words) than the 3.54 hours estimated. I would be interested to hear from anyone who read Anna Karenina (349,736 words) in 19.43 hours.

This article from The Guardian claims that books are getting longer. It cites a survey purporting that the average book length increased by 25% between 2000 and 2015.

As for what format people are reading, in America at least print continues to be dominant. This Pew Research Center survey claims that 65% of Americans read a print book in 2015 whilst 28% read an e-book.

The most popular genres of all time according to this source (does not include non-fiction) is Children’s Fiction. As for the best-selling children’s books of all time, it is The Harry Potter Series (>450m).

I have written at length on this blog about the plethora of new book genres. Here is a link to some more of the stranger ones out there, including Cli-Fi, a spin-off of eco-fiction that consists of writing addressing climate change. And Cashier Memoir —true-life tales from behind the cash register.

Happy Easter

Global Reading Habits

Apr 07 2017

Have you ever found yourself wondering about global literacy rates & reading habits. If so you might find this week’s post interesting. Click on the links to discover more.

The most literate nation in the World is: Finland — according to British newspaper, The Guardian.

But when it comes to reading assessment results Singapore comes out as number one.

The World’s least literate nation is South Sudan (literacy rate: 27%) — Grinding poverty and fleeing Janjaweed militias is evidently not conducive to reading.

Who are the World’s most prolific readers?

India — 10 hours, 42 minutes
Thailand — 9:24
China — 8:00
Philippines — 7:36

The USA comes in at number 22 (5:42) one place above my own nation the UK (5:18). Click here to view the survey.

As for the types of books being purchased globally:

Paperbacks: 45%
Hardbound: 27%
Ebooks: 22%
Audio: 2%

(Above figures were taken from this adweek survey)

According to the same survey 43% of books globally were purchased at E-commerce retailers.

We hear a lot about America’s eating habits, but what about their reading habits:

In 2015 77% of American women read a book, compared with 67% of American males.

The top grossing genre in the United States is Romance ($1.44 billion approx.)

As for the United Kingdom’s Reading Habits:

According to this YouGov survey, the average number of books read for pleasure by adults in the UK is approximately 10 per year. The median is 4.

Proportionately no country has more writers than Iceland — 1 in 10 Icelanders will publish a book during their lifetime according to this BBC report.

And the country with the most libraries:

China has 51311 libraries — great news for Chinese library goers unless they are looking for books about Tibet or the Dalai Lama.

As for the most bookstores:

In first place is Hong Kong with 21 bookstores per 100,000 people. Second place goes to Taipei with 17.6.

The World’s fastest readers are according to this survey the Germans (as of 2014). Yes, the Germans are even efficient at reading.

Did you know that the top 6 book markets are the USA, China, Germany, Japan, France & the UK. They account for over 60% of global spending on books.

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10 Absurd Religious Books

Mar 31 2017

This week sees the second instalment in my Ludicrous Religious Books series. Here are 10 more ludicrous religious-themed books. I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

Dancing with Jesus

Do you ever feel embarrassed by something, even though you are not responsible for it in any way, shape or form.

A Holistic Approach to Exorcism

Finally, I was getting so tired of specialised approaches to exorcism.

Does GOD Ever Speak through CATS?

Cat: ‘Meow! Meow! Purr, purr…’

Person: ‘That’s God speaking. Sssh, let me listen.’

Cat: ‘Hiss! Meow! meow … Hiss! hiss! MEOW!’

Person: ‘YES! I was right all along — God just said polygamy is virtuous.’

The Beginner’s Guide to Sex in the Afterlife

Sex in the Afterlife — that is just way a fancy way of saying necrophilia.

Helping The Retarded To Know God

And the winner of the most offensive book title is…

The Tabloid Bible

Penned by religious humorist Nick Page, The Tabloid Bible parodies the sensationalist nature of tabloid newspapers.

What Really Happened to the Dinosaurs?

This creationist title teaches children that dinosaurs were roaming The Earth with the rest of us pre-flood. Note evolutionary-defier Tracker John riding on his pet dinosaur DJ.

God’s Masturbation Solution

Penned by M. L. Brown — Reverend and masturbation connoisseur.

Bobbed Hair, Bossy Wives, and Women Preachers

Dr John R. Rice’s fire and brimstone sermon is directed at bossy wives, women preachers and women with bobbed hair.

21 Reasons Why Christians Should Speak in Tongues

Reason 1: If you are a Christian aspiring to be admitted to a mental health facility, then tongues…

Reason 2: Having an additional language on your CV is no bad thing.

There will be a final instalment in a few weeks time.

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A Black Comedy of True Distinction

10 Ludicrous Religious Books

Mar 24 2017

Check out these 10 ludicrous religious-themed books. I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

Thinking Biblically About The iPod

If there is a more obscure book title out there, I am yet to come across it.

Help Lord – The Devil Wants Me Fat

Why would The Devil want you fat? He is not a fat fetishist.

What About Christian Rock?

What about it … No, don’t press play …. AHHHHH

The Joy of Fearing God

Living in fear is not joyful.

The Missionary Position: Mother Teresa in Theory and Practice

Winner of the most unfortunate title in the religious category.

Jesus Was An Episcopalian

You mean I have spent countless hours, on my knees, praying to an Episcopalian … I think I am going to be ill.

Jogging with Jesus

That is not Jesus on the front cover. He wouldn’t be caught dead wearing that tracksuit.

Resurrection Aerobics The Christian Based Sex Aerobics

Proud winner of the most confounding book title award.

The Lord’s Corn Patch

If that is The Lord’s corn patch, he is not going to be happy to find that overweight, shabbily-attired, crazy woman.

The Bible is a scientific book

No it is not.

There will be further instalments.

My Favourite Books (Part II)

Mar 10 2017

Last April I devoted a blog post to some of my favourite books. This week sees the second instalment. Here are six more of my favourite books. Click on the links to read my reviews.

The Day of the Locust by Nathanael West

Published in 1939, The Day of the Locust is a short, plotless and poignant novel with a surreal aspect, that is prescient in its prediction of the Hollywood-obsessed society of today.

My Review: Talented artist Tod Hackett has relocated to Los Angeles where he is working as a movie set designer. Tod develops an infatuation for Faye – a beautiful, blonde and brazen aspiring actress, and sometime call girl. When her father, a vaudevillian reduced to selling…(more)

Genre: Not sure

Junky by William S. Burroughs

Junky is a semi-autobiographical novella, in which the author successfully utilises a detached journalistic approach to capture the obsessive nature of addiction.

My Review: Set in 1950s America and Mexico, Junky is a confessional novella about drug addiction. Its protagonist Bill Lee chronicles his drug-centred existence, which entails searching for his daily fix, scoring, and intravenous drug consumption…(more)

Genre: Transgressive

The Wayward Bus by John Steinbeck

Though The Wayward Bus is not one of Steinbeck’s best known novels, it is a thoroughly compelling and enjoyable read. Steinbeck displays his deep understanding of human nature at every turn.

My Review: An unlikely group of characters are travelling through rural South California by bus. In his unique style Steinbeck proceeds to explore each personality in intricate detail; their inhibitions, motivations, intimate thoughts and hopes for the future…(more)

Genre: Not sure

Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk

Chuck Palahniuk’s seminal work is about a nameless narrator, who starts a fight club with a charismatic anarchist by the name of Tyler Durden. Their fight club concept soon spreads across the nation.

My Review: The protagonist, who remains nameless, is an insomniac leading a bland corporate existence, investigating accidents for a car company, whose only concern is profit. Unable to find meaning in a faceless consumerist society, he instead seeks solace in…(more)

Genre: Transgressive

Down and Out in Paris and London by George Orwell

The captivating prose and vivid descriptions allows the reader an appreciation of the nature of urban poverty during the early twentieth century.

My Review: George Orwell’s first published novel, Down and Out in Paris and London, is an account of the author’s time spent living in abject poverty, first in Paris and later in London. Having spent his savings and with tutoring work having come to an end, Orwell is…(more)

Genre: Memoir

Ham On Rye by Charles Bukowski

Ham On Rye is a coming-of-age story, in which the protagonist views himself as an intruder, refusing to adhere to society’s expectations. It is written in the author’s trademark economy of prose style.

My Review: Ham On Rye is a semi-autobiographical account of Bukowski’s formative years in his home city of Los Angeles. The story follows the early life of the author’s alter ego, Henry Chinaski, starting with his earliest memories, then through his school years…(more)

Genre: Semi-Autobiographical/Transgressive

Click here to read part one.

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23 Quotes about Writing

Jan 20 2017

Here are 23 amusing and/or pertinent quotes about writing which might be of interest to my fellow authors and readers.

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. — W. Somerset Maugham

Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time. — Howard Nemerov

I hate writing, I love having written. — Dorothy Parker

The scariest moment is always just before you start. — Stephen King

The first draft of anything is shit. — Ernest Hemingway

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. — Douglas Adams

Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that’s where it should stay. — Christopher Hitchens

A bad review may spoil your breakfast, but you shouldn’t allow it to spoil your lunch. — Kingsley Amis

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. — A. J. Liebling

Poetic license is not a license to scribe recklessly. ― C. Kennedy

A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it. ― Mark Twain

A professional writer is an amateur who didn’t quit. — Richard Bach

If you don’t have time to read, you don’t have the time (or the tools) to write. — Stephen King

Don’t get it right – get it WRITTEN! — Lee Child

If you are in difficulties with a book, try the element of surprise: attack it at an hour when it isn’t expecting it. — H.G. Wells

Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money. — Jules Renard

In the end, you have to just sit down, shut up, and write. — Natalie Goldberg

Tomorrow may be hell, but today was a good writing day, and on the good writing days nothing else matters. — Neil Gaiman

The pen is mightier than the sword and considerably easier to write with. — Marty Feldman

I love being a writer. What I can’t stand is the paperwork. — Peter De Vries

Easy writing makes hard reading. — Ernest Hemingway

As for the adjective, when in doubt leave it out. — Mark Twain

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper. — Steve Martin

There will be a second instalment soon.

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My Favourite Authors: their best and worst

Jan 13 2017

I have my favourite authors, but that is not to say that I like all of their books. This week’s post is dedicated to what in my humble opinion is the following 4 authors’ best and worst books. Click on the links to read my reviews:

Vladimir Nabokov(April 22nd, 1899 – July 2nd, 1977)

Admittedly I have only read a couple of books penned by the Russian-American author and entomologist.

My favourite: Lolita

The protagonist, Humbert Humbert, is an intellectual with an all-consuming craving for young girls, or nymphets as he refers to them. After his wife leaves him for another man, Humbert Humbert becomes a live-in tutor…(more)

My least favourite: Pnin

Despite having lived in America for many years, conservative and eccentric Russian professor Timofei Pnin has never fully grasped the subtleties of the English language…(more)

Chuck Palahniuk(Born: February 21st, 1962)

I have read many of this iconic transgressive fiction author’s works. Whilst I remain an avid fan, the quality of his books varies markedly in my opinion.

My favourite: Fight Club

The protagonist, who remains nameless, is an insomniac leading a bland corporate existence, investigating accidents for a car company, whose only concern is profit…(more)

My least favourite: Doomed

Doomed is the sequel to Damned and part two of a proposed Dante inspired trilogy. It sees the return of Damned’s protagonist – the plucky, post-life, plump, periphrastic, pubescent progeny of celebrity parents…(more)

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn(December 11th, 1918 – August 3rd, 2008)

This controversial Russian author is one of my favourite writers. However…

My favourite: One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich

Ivan Denisovich Shukhov is a former POW serving a 10 year term in a Gulag on the Kazakh steppe for being a spy. He is innocent. The book chronicles a single day of his existence…(more)

My least favourite: August 1914

Set in the years leading up to The Revolution, this monumental book is Solzhenitsyn’s interpretation of a turbulent period in his country’s history, beginning with the outbreak of World War I…(more)

Bret Easton Ellis (Born: March 7th, 1964)

Easton Ellis achieved cult status for his outstanding works of transgressive fiction. In this reader’s opinion his later books are not as good as his early efforts.

My favourite: American Psycho

American Psycho is a highly controversial novel that brought its young author Bret Easton Ellis instant fame. The book is written from the perspective of a young Wall Street financier, Patrick Bateman…(more)

My least favourite: Lunar Park

Lunar Park is a mock memoir that begins with a parodic account of Bret Easton Ellis’s early fame. The young New York resident’s existence consists of endless parties, casual relationships, spiralling drug use...(more)

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10 Very Bizarre Books

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6 American Satirical Novels

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10 Farcical Religious Books

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Books and Publishing (Part 2)

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Global Reading Habits

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10 Absurd Religious Books

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10 Ludicrous Religious Books

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My Favourite Books (Part II)

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23 Quotes about Writing

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My Favourite Authors: their best and worst

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