Tag - humor

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Bizarre Books VI
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Bizarre Books III
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Authors as Desserts III
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Bizarre Book Trivia

Bizarre Books VI

This week sees the sixth and final instalment of my bizarre books series. As with previous instalments I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

And now for the 10 bizarre books:

Dancing with Cats

dancing-with-cats

A sure way to attract the attention of the men in white coats.

 

Hog Manure Management

hog-manure

If you like hogs and manure this is the book for you. If not you might want to consider a different title.

 

What About Christian Rock?

christian-rock

What about it? No, do not press play.

 

25 Placenta Recipes

placenta-recipes
Finally! I have been growing so tired of plain boiled placentas.

 

People Who Don’t Know They’re Dead

dead

Otherwise known as ghosts.

 

Cards As Weapons

cards-as-weapons

Using cards as throwing stars can be very useful when you are poised to lose money on a card game.

 

Semenology: The Semen Bartender’s Handbook

semenology

Let this book be a warning to all those who treat bartenders badly.

 

Mommy, Why is There a Server in the House?server

Mommy: ‘Since daddy left I have been feeling very lonely, and…’

 

Is It a Sin to Eat a Chocolate Bar? 

chocolate-bar
No, not if it is an organic, gluten-free, fair trade, sustainable farming WholeFoods chocolate bar.

 

Round Ireland with a fridge

round-ireland

Author: ‘If I knew it was going to be this difficult, I would have brought a suitcase instead.’

Bizarre Books III

This is the final instalment of my Bizarre Books Series. As with Parts 1 & 2, I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

The New Radiation Recipe Book

radiation

For residents of Chernobyl and Fukushima.

 

Strangers Have The Best Candy

strangers

They do? So why did my mother always tell me not to talk to them?

 

The Book of Marmalade

marmalade

For those of us who spreading it on our toast is not enough.

 

I Can Has Cheezburger?

cheezburger

A Pulitzer Prize for Fiction winner this is not.

 

Do It Yourself Coffins for Pets and People

coffin

‘What’s that leaning against the wall?’

‘My DIY coffin.’

‘But you don’t need a DIY coffin, you’re not dead.’

‘Better to get it done early. DIY coffins are pretty tricky to assemble post-mortem.’

 

Managing a Dental Practice: The Genghis Khan Way 

dental

If the client complains behead them. Then impale the head on a pike. Don’t forget to polish their teeth first.

 

Everything I Know about Women I Learned from My Tractor

tractor

Presumably not a lot then.

 

The Do It Yourself Lobotomy

lobotomy

Step One: Take the saw, hold it to the top of your head, and away you go — SsSsSsSsSs.

 

The Joy of Uncircumcising!

uncircumcising

Joy? — Needle, thread, skin. Really?

 

How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack

gnome

You mean to tell me that gnomes are not only the height of bad taste, they also attack.

 

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Necropolis

Click here to read Bizarre Books Part II.

 

Authors as Desserts III

This week we return to the topic of authors and the desserts that in my opinion their writing corresponds to. Here are 8 authors and their corresponding desserts.

Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Dostoyevsky

Reading the iconic Russian author’s books is rewarding, but challenging.

Corresponding dessert: Gooey Butter Cake

Butter Cake

(Courtesy of Its Good To Be The Cook)

Rationale: Gooey butter cake may be delicious, but it is incredibly dense and requires a lot of chewing.

 

L. Ron Hubbard

Hubbard

The Scientology founder wrote numerous Sci-Fi and psychotherapy books.

Corresponding dessert: Waffle

IMG_0677

(Courtesy of Heritage Radio Network)

Rationale: The content of Scientology’s doctrine.

 

Virginia Woolf

Virginia Woolf

Woolf favoured observations and interior monologue over plot. Themes in her writing include suicide.

Corresponding dessert: Depression Cake

Depression Cake

(Courtesy of Pinterest)

Rationale: Depression cake might look like a normal cake, but with little or no butter, eggs or milk it isn’t particularly appetising.

 

Irvine Welsh

Irvine Welsh

Themes in this legendary Scottish transgressive author’s writing include drugs and poverty.

Corresponding dessert: Deep-Fried Mars Bar

Deep Mars

(Courtesy of The Daily Mail)

Rationale: These treats might not be soft on the eye, and they are probably bad for you, but they taste good.

 

Guy Portman

Guy Portman

You may not have heard of Guy Portman, but you can take his word for it that he’s a talented author.

Corresponding dessert: Dark Chocolate Truffles with Clementine Zest

Truffles

(Courtesy of My Tartelette)

Rationale: The zest is this exquisite delight’s pièce de résistance. It is surprising that this dessert is not more popular.

 

Yukio Mishima

Mishima

Mishima was a staunch nationalist, and Japan’s most famous ever author.

Corresponding dessert: Daifuku (大福)

Daifuku

(Courtesy of Jap Pop)

Rationale: Daifuku is a traditional Japanese dessert that some Westerners enjoy.

 

Bret Easton Ellis

Easton-Ellis

Easton Ellis is a master of social commentary. Much of his writing features vapid, soulless characters.

Corresponding dessert: Lemon Sorbet

lemon

(Courtesy of Dishmaps)

Rationale: This cold, astringent dessert isn’t for everyone. I rather like it.

 

Nora Roberts

Roberts

Nora Roberts is one of the best-selling Romance authors of all time.

Corresponding dessert: Summer Pudding

Summer Pudding

(Courtesy of Home Farmer)

Rationale: The mere sight of this pink extravagance makes me feel quite queasy.

Click here to read Part II

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Necropolis

 

Bizarre Book Trivia

Yesterday whilst whiling away some time on the internet I discovered some bizarre book trivia, which I thought might make a good foundation for a blog post. Here goes:

Most Bizarre Book Ever: BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and Also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!! by ELIYZABETH YANNE STRONG-ANDERSON.

WorstBook

I was planning to read it, but considered the price (£20.95) prohibitive. The reason for me choosing it (the title is too long to repeat) is because of Michael N. Marcus’s review in his book Stinkers:

  • Every letter in book capitalised
  • Ridden with grammatical errors
  • Ludicrous subject matter
  • Excessive price tag
  • Neurotic nature of its author

Most Offensive Book Title Ever: Helping The Retarded To Know God by H. R. Hahn & W. H. Raasch.

Retarded

I imagine this book wasn’t welcomed with open arms even when it was published back in 1969. As for the question How does one help the retarded to know God? As no one to the best of my knowledge has ever known God, I can only assume it’s a challenge.

Book genres: Have you noticed how many genres and sub genres are around these days. Take Punk literature (related to punk subculture). There are 13 sub genres, in addition a host of tenuous ones. Punk’s official sub genres are: Cyberpunk, Steampunk, Dieselpunk, Biopunk, Bugpunk, Transistorpunk, Nanopunk, Decopunk, Atompunk, Teslapunk, Clockpunk, Splatterpunk & Mythpunk…

Here is an imaginary conversation:

Do you enjoy reading?
Yeah.
Me too. Which genres do you like?
Primarily Dieselpunk and Biopunk with a smattering of Transistorpunk.

According to wiki the Romance genre has 36 sub genres. Every man/woman to his/her tastes, but for me reading with 1 hand whilst holding a sick bucket with the other isn’t much fun.

heart

A person who reads 50 Shades of Grey has no advantage over one who can’t read. — Guy Portman

The infestation of erotica/erotic romance titles means that it is extremely difficult for authors to come up with novel ideas, but I have one — Romeo & Juliet, the Asphyxiation Erotica version.

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: Ghuahh! Ghuahh!
Juliet: O’ there art thou with a plastic bag thrust over thy head.

Fans of zoophilia-themed, BBW, paranormal shapeshifter romances might be interested in Hedging His Bets by Celia Kyle & Mina Carter. It is touted as the book that makes hedgehogs sexy.

Hedge

Bad-boy Blake Carlisle is a big, badass biker with a secret — he’s a werehedgehog. It is obvious that Blake and Honey are meant to be together — because he loves rubenesque beauties and she loves hedgehogs .

Here’s an extract:  Plopping down on the floor, she opened the cage and lifted each of them out. She rolled around on the ground making yipping noises, mimicking them to the best of her ability, and just playing with the cute little things. … Who needed a man when she had hedgies?

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