Back in 2012 when I was a Twitter neophyte I wrote a series of satirical posts about the tweeting habits of the various species that inhabit Twitter. Today sees a return to the subject.
Aims & Objectives: To observe and document the tweeting habits of 9 Twitter species.
#Hyperactive #Hashtagger (Perquam strennus)
Incessant tweeters who can be distinguished from other species of the voluminous variety by the ubiquitous #. Nine #’s have been recorded in a single tweet.
Convivial Communicator (Amica Garrulus)
These social creatures calls are audible throughout their waking hours. They typically comprise RTs’, conversational tweets and on occasion self-promotion.
Continual Commentator (Semper Nuntius)
Tweets are nearly always in the form of a statement, rarely part of a conversation, and more often than not contain opinion. It was with a heavy heart that I observed a Semper Nuntius specimen I had first come across back in 2012 still giving daily updates about their television watching itinerary.
Harmonious Helper (Concordi adiutor)
An enthusiastic and contented species that rarely tweets at a rate of more than 10 tweets per hour. They are known to provide detailed instructional information for the benefit of the herd.
Hate Hawker (Auctor odio)
These spite-filled animals vitriol tends to be directed at a particular minority group. In this observer’s opinion Auctor odio would be more readily accepted were they to mix things up with less fervent messages, such as the contents of their sandwich at lunch.
Mundane Messenger (Nuntius mundane) Nuntius mundane calls consist of random information tweeted throughout its waking hours.
Don’t you just love it when the kettle boils faster than you thought it would —sent from Iphone
Irritating Interloper (Vexo tertius) Vexo Tertius is a flurry tweeter, who utilises statements and excessive capitalisation. They are prone to using the words I/Me/My (regional variations may apply).
Grammar Goons (Grammatica maculat) im ready bt mi computer bout dead innit need 2 find mi charga bt ima take it t2 mi sista haus lolz
The prevalence of such tweets is a concern for the future of the English language.
Positivity Purveyor (Inspiratori Novitatis)
Also known as Didactic Dispatchers, these relentlessly optimistic creatures are often well received by other species.
You can’t change what has already happened, so don’t waste your time thinking about it. Move on, let go, and get over it. — It all gets rather earnest for this specimen’s taste.
This week’s post is devoted to 13 absurd literary-related facts. Here goes:
In 1931 the governor of Hunan, China banned Alice in Wonderland because he believed animals should not be using human language.
None of the 3 best-known tales of the Arabian Nights are contained in the Arabian Nights. Aladdin, Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves, and the Seven Voyages of Sinbad the Sailor were all later additions.
Aristophanes’s play Assemblywoman contains the longest word in Greek. It is the name of a fictional food dish, and it has 171 letters. Here it is: Lopadotemachoselachogaleokranioleipsanodrimhypotrimmatosilphioparaomelitokatakechymenokichlepikossyphophattoperisteralektryonoptekephalliokigklopeleiolagoiosiraiobaphetraganopterygon.
In Russia Winnie-the-Pooh is on an official list of banned ‘extremist’ material. This is because a senior official was found to own a picture of Pooh clad in swastika-adorned clothes.
Punk Literature (related to punk subculture) has 13 established sub genres. They are: Cyberpunk, Steampunk, Dieselpunk, Biopunk, Bugpunk, Transistorpunk, Nanopunk, Decopunk, Atompunk, Teslapunk, Clockpunk, Splatterpunk & Mythpunk…
When in his countryside residence, Berghof, Hitler would march around the grounds munching on schnitzels whilst ranting at any livestock he came across with non Aryan characteristics. ‘Unter tier.Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei verboten unter tier…’
This week we return to the subject of authors and the desserts that in my opinion their writing corresponds to. Here are 8 authors and their corresponding desserts.
Leo Tolstoy
Iconic Russian writer Tolstoy is best-remembered for his opuses Anna Karenina and War And Peace.
I always knew there were some bizarre books out there, but I was not aware quite how bizarre until researching this post. Here are 13 books that I consider to be bizarre. I have added pithy comments/fictitious dialogue below each.
Go to McDonald’s with your date and order a grilled onion cheddar burger from the dollar menu, then pull out 99c and plead until they let you off the 1c. Now cut the burger in 2 and give her/him half, but with all the onions.
Date: ‘All the onions? That’s so kind. Are you sure?’
You: ‘Yes I’m sure. Now eat them before I change my mind.’
This week we return to the topic of authors and the desserts that in my opinion their writing corresponds to. Here are 8 authors and their corresponding desserts.
Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Reading the iconic Russian author’s books is rewarding, but challenging.
Rationale: This aptly named dessert is created by combining unusual, and some might argue unpalatable ingredients, including Oreo cookies, cream cheese and Gummy Worms.
George Orwell
Orwell was an iconic British author with socialist tendencies.
Yesterday whilst whiling away some time on the internet I discovered some bizarre book trivia, which I thought might make a good foundation for a blog post. Here goes:
I was planning to read it, but considered the price (£20.95) prohibitive. The reason for me choosing it (the title is too long to repeat) is because of Michael N. Marcus’s review in his book Stinkers:
I imagine this book wasn’t welcomed with open arms even when it was published back in 1969. As for the question How does one help the retarded to know God? As no one to the best of my knowledge has ever known God, I can only assume it’s a challenge.
Book genres: Have you noticed how many genres and sub genres are around these days. Take Punk literature (related to punk subculture). There are 13 sub genres, in addition a host of tenuous ones. Punk’s official sub genres are: Cyberpunk, Steampunk, Dieselpunk, Biopunk, Bugpunk, Transistorpunk, Nanopunk, Decopunk, Atompunk, Teslapunk, Clockpunk, Splatterpunk & Mythpunk…
Here is an imaginary conversation:
Do you enjoy reading? Yeah. Me too. Which genres do you like? Primarily Dieselpunk and Biopunk with a smattering of Transistorpunk.
According to wiki the Romance genre has 36 sub genres. Every man/woman to his/her tastes, but for me reading with 1 hand whilst holding a sick bucket with the other isn’t much fun.
A person who reads 50 Shades of Grey has no advantage over one who can’t read. — Guy Portman
The infestation of erotica/erotic romance titles means that it is extremely difficult for authors to come up with novel ideas, but I have one — Romeo & Juliet, the Asphyxiation Erotica version.
Juliet:O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo? Romeo:Ghuahh! Ghuahh! Juliet: O’ there art thou with a plastic bag thrust over thy head.
Fans of zoophilia-themed, BBW, paranormal shapeshifter romances might be interested in Hedging His Betsby Celia Kyle & Mina Carter. It is touted as the book that makes hedgehogs sexy.
Bad-boy Blake Carlisle is a big, badass biker with a secret — he’s a werehedgehog. It is obvious that Blake and Honey are meant to be together — because he loves rubenesque beauties and she loves hedgehogs .
Here’s an extract: Plopping down on the floor, she opened the cage and lifted each of them out. She rolled around on the ground making yipping noises, mimicking them to the best of her ability, and just playing with the cute little things. … Who needed a man when she had hedgies?
This week I look back on my 2014. It takes the form of concise extracts from my diary. This might seem a rather narcissistic thing to do, but hopefully some of you might find the entries mildly amusing and/or be interested in the links to the book reviews/blog posts/YouTube video.
January
Wednesday 1st – Have I ever had a less memorable New Year’s?
Wednesday 9th – Hope deserted this launderette a long time ago.
Thursday 17th – Still thinking about The Old Man and The Sea.
Sunday 20th – Catacombs tour of Brompton Cemetery.
August
Monday 5th – The Gym – I am getting really good at these leg presses; I must be getting close to the World record. Oh maybe not – Ronnie Coleman did x8 reps of 1.043 tons.
Tuesday 14th – Dinner – Pleased to be eating something other than steak for a change. A chicken and pigeon combo – delicious.
Wednesday 15th – Santiago del Estero – Northern Argentina – How can it be 40C on a spring day?
Sunday 26th – Go to NFL game between Atlanta Falcons and Detroit Giants at Wembley. I don’t even know the rules. Eat a MacDonald’s, a TGI Friday’s & 3 donuts before 1pm.
Monday 27th – Finish reading and reviewing my first Ballard novel – High-Rise.
November
Monday 10th – Another day another gym mishap – Squashed under bench press, have to cry out for assistance. How embarrassing.
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