Satire | Guy Portman's Blog

Authors As Desserts V

Sep 15 2017

It has been quite some time since I dedicated a post to the topic of authors and the desserts that in my opinion they/their writing corresponds to. Here are 8 authors and their corresponding desserts.

Karl Marx

Corresponding dessert: Guriev Porridge

Rationale: It is widely believed that this frugal Russian dessert was invented by a serf chef.

Ambrose Bierce

Corresponding dessert: Lemon sorbet

Rationale: Few desserts are more acerbic.

Barbara Cartland

Corresponding dessert: Valentine’s Cookies

Rationale: These pink, heart-shaped morsels all taste the same.

James Joyce

Corresponding dessert: Perfect St. Patrick’s Day Cake

Rationale: This decadent, multi-layered cake is made from Guinness, Irish Cream and bittersweet chocolate.

Franz Kafka

Corresponding dessert: Sourdough Cake

Rationale: This dessert offering might not taste sweet, but it does taste good.

Sophie Kinsella

Corresponding dessert: Pink Waffle

Rationale: Pretty, pink desserts containing little more than air are not for everyone.

Jane Austen

Corresponding dessert: Lemon Drizzle Cake

Rationale: This traditional English offering is bitter yet appetising.

Jilly Cooper

Corresponding dessert: Jam Roly Poly

Rationale: This warm, sticky dessert is a staple of the English upper classes.

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A Black Comedy of True Distinction

13 Unfortunate Book Titles

Sep 01 2017

I hope you are in the mood for some unfortunate book titles. Here are 13 book titles that I consider to be unfortunate.

Fellow Fags

How To Raise Your IQ By Eating Gifted Children

How to Date a White Woman: A Practical Guide for Asian Men

The Missionary Position: Mother Teresa in Theory and Practice

How To Succeed In Business Without A Penis

Games You Can Play With Your Pussy

Castration: The Advantages and the Disadvantages

Street Sword: Practical Use of the Long Blade for Self Defense

Jesus And The ‘G’ Spot

Natural Harvest: A collection of semen-based recipes

semen

A Parent’s Guide To Preventing Homosexuality

The Pocket Book of Boners

A Passion For Donkeys

There will be a further instalment at some point.

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10 Ridiculous Religious Books

Aug 18 2017

This week sees the fourth and final instalment in my religious books series. Here are 10 religious-themed books. I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

Experiencing Bible Science

‘Bible Science’ — That’s an oxymoron.

Scruples How to Avoid Them

Extreme supplication from the looks of things.

Saving Marriage by Applying Biblical Wisdom

That clenched fist is ominous.

The Christian Life is Exciting

The front cover fails to give that impression.

Can I Be a Christian Without Being Weird?

Yes, it is just about possible. But not if you are a Jehovah’s Witness.

Are Your Children Playing With Lucifer’s Testicles?

This is presumably a satire. I base this on its Availability: Usually ships within 24 hours (if Jesus wants it to).

If The Devil Made You Do It You Blew It

What if the Devil didn’t make you do it, and you did it of your own volition?

Why Confess Your Sins To A Priest

Why indeed?

Precious Princess Bible

Brimming with illustrations and captions, this pink abomination informs every little girl that she is ‘God’s precious princess’.

The Monsters Are Coming…

And the winner of worst front cover in the religious genre is…

Sepultura

Jul 14 2017

I am pleased to announce that my fourth novel, Sepultura, will be released on Saturday, December 2nd. Sepultura is the sequel to the satirical, black comedy, Necropolis. It sees the return of Necropolis’s sociopathic protagonist Dyson Devereux. I will be revealing more information over the forthcoming months.

For a limited time only I am continuing to offer a free copy of Sepultura’s prequel Necropolis to everyone who signs up to my newsletter. Click here to do so.

Click here to see the 46 reviews and ratings for Necropolis on Goodreads.

A black comedy of true distinction

Dyson works for the Burials and Cemeteries department in his local council. Dyson is intelligent, incisive and informed. He is also a sociopath…

Here are a few snippets from Necropolis:

To look upon Irene is to stare into a looking glass, into a world of cheap retail outlets, suburban cul-de-sacs, Sky television itineraries, frozen Iceland trifles and Co-operative Funeralcare plans.

To my left a Lithuanian gravedigger idly picks his nose. To my right a mortician plays Sonic on his iPhone. Next to him a bereavement councillor’s afro-styled head lulls to one side. In the row in front a morgue rat, his head resting against his shoulder, snores loudly, a stream of drool hanging from the corner of his mouth.

Alice, not his real name, works in the mailroom. I call him Alice because he looks just like the ageing rocker, Alice Cooper. Like the real Alice he sports a mane of black hair and wizened, heavily lined features, but for record sales read envelopes…

The 9 Books I’ve Read in 2017

Jun 30 2017

We are half way through 2017 already. Time flies. As is my habit at the half-way point, I am dedicating this blog post to the books that I have read so far this year. The following 9 books are presented in the order in which I read them. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Stalin’s Englishman: The Lives of Guy Burgess

Genre: Non Fiction

This biography of the notorious spy Guy Burgess recounts his life from birth through to premature death in Moscow, aged fifty-two in 1963. After spending his formative years at the naval college Dartmouth…(more)

My Rating: Absorbing

Dreamland: The True Tale of America’s Opiate Epidemic

Genre: Non Fiction

This award winning account of America’s opiate epidemic asserts that its origins are two-fold — the pharmaceutical industry and Mexican importation. In 1996 Purdue Pharma introduced its new opiate-containing…(more)

My Rating: Compelling

Cold Comfort Farm

Genre: Satire

Although harbouring concerns about countryside living, recently orphaned, 19-year-old Flora Poste decides to go and live with relatives in rural Sussex. Her destination, the ramshackle and backward Cold Comfort…(more)

My Rating: Repetitive & somewhat overrated

On the Beach

Genre: Post-Apocalyptic

World War III has culminated in atomic bombs being dropped on the northern hemisphere. The radiation is spreading steadily southwards on the winds, decimating populations in its wake. Stationed in Australia is American…(more)

My Rating: Excellent

I Am Charlotte Simmons

Genre: Satire

Appalachian wunderkind Charlotte Simmons has been awarded a scholarship to Dupont, an elite fictional university, steeped in tradition. Living amongst the cream of America’s youth is set to be a big change for a prudish girl, hailing…(more)

My Rating: Amusing but turgid

Newspaper Diapers

Genre: Transgressive

Newspaper Diapers consists of a series of loosely connected vignettes about child abuse and group homes being recounted by various perverse and narcissistic narrators. The line between abuser and victim is blurred in these traumatic...(more)

My Rating: Deeply disturbing

Race To The Bottom

Genre: Transgressive

Roy is a degenerate and borderline alcoholic with a menial job at retailer Bullseye that pays less than Walmart. Roy’s precarious existence takes a turn for the worse when his overweight girlfriend, fed up with him living on her couch…(more)

My Rating: A relatively entertaining light read

Tortilla Flat

Genre: General

Danny is an unemployed alcoholic, leading a transient existence in Monterrey, California. When Danny inherits two houses in the shabby district of Tortilla Flat, he invites a hobo friend and fellow paisano…(more)

My Rating: Good

Rebecca

Genre: Mystery/Crime/Romance

Our young, unnamed narrator is working as an assistant for a rich American woman in Monte Carlo. It is here that she meets recently widowed, forty-two-year-old Maximilian (Maxim) de Winter. Maxim is the proprietor of Manderley…(more)

My Rating: Excellent

6 Humorous Novels

May 19 2017

This week’s post is dedicated to 6 humorous novels. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Cold Comfort Farm by Stella Gibbons (1932)

Light-hearted and wryly humorous, this satirical work lampoons the romanticised, often doom-laden ‘loam and lovechild’ novels of the 19th and early 20th century.

My Review: Although harbouring concerns about countryside living, recently orphaned, 19-year-old Flora Poste decides to go and live with relatives in rural Sussex. Her destination, the…(more)

My Opinion: Witty but repetitive

Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson (1971)

Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas is a humorous, ludicrous and on occasion repellent social commentary about the demise of the psychedelic, free loving dream of the sixties.

My Review: Hunter S. Thompson’s alter ego, journalist Raoul Duke, and his gargantuan Samoan attorney, Dr Gonzo, are on a drug-fuelled road trip through the desert, destination Las Vegas…(more)

My Opinion: Humorous, ludicrous & relentless

A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole (1980)

This iconic humour book, the 1981 Pulitzer Prize for Fiction winner, is less concerned with plot than focusing on absurd situations, designed to elicit a humorous response.

My Review: Obese, green-hunting-cap-wearing, 30-year-old virgin Ignatius J. Reilly still resides with his mother. With his idiosyncrasies, pompous old-fashioned views and deep-lying suspicion…(more)

My Opinion: Overrated and onerous

I Am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe (2004)

I Am Charlotte Simmons is a humorous satire about campus life. Themes include materialism, social class, race and America’s obsession with college sport.

My Review: Appalachian wunderkind Charlotte Simmons has been awarded a scholarship to Dupont, an elite fictional university, steeped in tradition. Living amongst the cream of America’s youth is…(more)

My Opinion: Hilarious but turgid

The Squirrel that Dreamt of Madness by Craig Stone (2011)

The Squirrel that Dreamt of Madness is a bizarre and humorous novel about the author’s time spent living homeless in a park. Craig has to deal with a multitude of issues that are alien to us home dwellers.

My Review: The author Craig Stone is becoming increasingly disillusioned with the predictability and banality of his everyday existence. Deciding that it is better to live dreaming than to…(more)

My Opinion: Bizarre and humorous

Damned by Chuck Palahniuk (2011)

Damned is a a light-hearted satire of hell, punctuated with comical details, pop-culture references and Theological irony. There are obvious comparisons with Dante’s Inferno.

My Review: The protagonist is thirteen-year-old Madison, the daughter of wealthy alternative parents. The privileged Madison studies at an exclusive Swiss boarding school and spends her holidays alternating…(more)

My Opinion: Quite amusing

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Bizarre Books VIII

May 12 2017

I have yet more bizarre books for you. Every time I think I have exhausted the topic, I discover yet more bizarre books. This is the eighth instalment in the series. Here are 10 bizarre books:

The Goldflower Book of Business Greetings

Ever wondered why you always fail interviews? Next time you have an interview, try introducing yourself with the above handshake.

Eating People is Wrong

Touché

Foreigners & How To Spot Them

Spotting foreigners sounds a bit like birdwatching. Next time I am on the London Tube, I will use this book to identify some foreigners, and then attempt some safe methods of approach.

Innards And Other Variety Meats

Yummy!

How to Good-bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?

Whether it is malarkey or an effective way to say good-bye to depression, constricting one’s anus 100 times per day sounds rather time consuming. I for one am sticking with the pills.

Microwave For One

This book would appear much more impressive if its title was Microwave For One Hundred. Perhaps someone should inform author Sonia Allison that all microwaving for one entails is reading the instructions on the back of the packet.

Bangkok Travel Guide For Men

Imagine what happens when the parcel arrives from Amazon, and the wife opens it.

God Is Great So How Come He Gave Me And Bobby Crossed Eyes

Because he doesn’t like you! (Note: I think this is a fictitious book title).

Enjoying Being Single

Just look at the fun that man is having on the front cover being single. I am feeling nostalgic…

Nuclear War Fun Book

Who would have thought nuclear war could be so much fun.

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10 Very Bizarre Books

May 05 2017

Earlier this week I was perusing the internet in search of yet more bizarre books. I found some. This week sees the seventh instalment in my bizarre books series. Here are 10 bizarre books. I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

5 Very Good Reasons To Punch A Dolphin In The Mouth

Reason 1: Dolphins make annoying squeaking noises.

Beat Your Way to the Top: Masturbation as a technique for business success

CEO: ‘Jesus Christ put it away! What the %$@* do you think you’re doing?’

Junior Employee: ‘Just beating my way to the top.’

Jesus Spells Freedom

Jesus spells Freedom? — Well maybe, but that front cover certainly doesn’t.

How To Make Your Own Dolls For Pleasure And Profit

The highly unimaginative front cover makes me suspicious as to Schauffler’s doll making abilities, be they for pleasure or profit.

CB for Christians

There are books written millennia ago that have dated better than this.

The Ladybird Book of Child Labour

Yes, back in the days when this book was published white kids did child labour too. I believe this is a fictitious title.

Make Your Own Sex Toys

Could they not have come up with a more amorous front cover.

How To Preserve Animal and Other Specimens in Clear Plastic

If you are looking for a 50-something year old book about keeping dead things in plastic then look no further.

Walmart Atlas

What with a new Walmart springing up every five seconds, presumably Walmart Atlases date pretty quickly.

Big & Little Crochets

What ludicrous garments.

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A Black Comedy of True Distinction

6 American Satirical Novels

Apr 28 2017

This week’s post is dedicated to 6 satirical novels by 6 American authors. They are presented in the order in which they were published. Click on the links to read my reviews.

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain (1884)

Huckleberry Finn

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is a satire of American southern antebellum society that parodies religion, morality, literature and above all the practice of slavery.

My Review: 13-year-old Huckleberry Finn is living in Missouri with a widow who plans to ‘sivilize’ him. That is until his alcoholic father relocates him to an isolated cabin in the woods. Huck fakes his own death and escapes…(more)

Subjects Satirised: Slavery & numerous others

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller (1961)

Based on Heller’s own experiences as a bombardier in WWII, this best-selling, satirical, anti-war novel, took its American author eight years to write.

My Review: Set on the Mediterranean island of Pianosa during WWII, Catch-22 is about the exploits of the fictitious 256th Squadron. We follow protagonist Yossarian and his comrades’ farcical attempts…(more)

Subject Satirised: War

Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut (1969)

Slaughterhouse-Five’s anti-war rhetoric has resulted in it being banned from numerous US schools and libraries. This satirical story is about a survivor of the notorious firebombing of Dresden.

My Review: Narrated in a non-linear order, the story follows protagonist Billy Pilgrim’s journey through life. A married optometrist with two children, Billy is a veteran of World War II, and a survivor of the notorious…(more)

Subject Satirised: War

Glamorama by Bret Easton Ellis (1998)

Glamorama adeptly captures the hedonism of 1990s New York. In typical Ellis fashion the text is punctuated with numerous pop-culture references, sporadic descriptions of violence and graphic sexual encounters.

My Review: Victor Ward aka Victor Johnson is a male model living in 1990s Manhattan. Victor is a vapid, soulless character, obsessed with celebrity culture, who lives an existence that revolves around social connections and…(more)

Subject Satirised: 1990s

Choke by Chuck Palahniuk (2001)

This nihilistic novel is about our innate craving for attention and the fundamental nature of addiction. Its protagonist has a penchant for purposely choking on food at expensive restaurants.

My Review: The protagonist, Victor Mancini, is a sex addict employed at an eighteenth-century historical re-enactment park. Victor attends various sexual addiction support groups, where he meets many…(more)

Subjects Satirised: Addiction treatments & contemporary society

I Am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe (2004)

I Am Charlotte Simmons is a humorous satire about campus life. Themes include materialism, social class, race and America’s obsession with college sport.

Subjects Satirised: Campus life & numerous others

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10 Farcical Religious Books

Apr 21 2017

This week sees the third and most likely final instalment in my bizarre religious books series. Here are 10 religious-themed books. I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

Behold Now Behemoth: Dinosaurs All Over the Bible!

I can only assume the author is confusing The Bible with Jurassic Park.

A Potato That Wasn’t A Christian

So what if a potato wasn’t a Christian. Potatoes are tasty regardless of their religion, unless they are Sikh. There are few things less appetising than a roasted turban.

Born-Again Virgin