Satire | Guy Portman's Blog

Authors as Desserts II

May 20 2016

2 weeks ago I wrote a blog post about authors and the desserts that in my opinion they/their writing corresponds to. Here is Part II.

Chuck Palahniuk

ChuckPalahniuk

Palahniuk is a controversial, transgressive author whose writing is not for the fainthearted.

Corresponding dessert: Dirt Cake

Dirt cake

(Courtesy of Visions of Sugar Plum)

Rationale: This aptly named dessert is created by combining unusual, and some might argue unpalatable ingredients, including Oreo cookies, cream cheese and Gummy Worms.

George Orwell

GeorgeOrwell

Orwell was an iconic British author with socialist tendencies.

Corresponding dessert: Bread and Butter Pudding

bread and butter

(Courtesy of BBC Good Food)

Rationale: This simple, traditional British fare is popular with the masses.

Jackie Collins

Collins

Jackie Collins is one of the best-selling Romance authors of all time.

Corresponding dessert: Black Forest Gâteau

Black Forest Gateau

(Courtesy of Wikipedia)

Rationale: This decadent dessert leaves one feeling nauseous.

Haruki Murakami

Murakami

Murakami is Japan’s most famous contemporary writer.

Corresponding dessert: Matcha (green tea) Ice Cream

Green Tea

(Courtesy of Youtube)

Rationale: Westerners have enthusiastically embraced this distinctly Oriental flavour, presented in a familiar form.

Danielle Steele

Steele

Corresponding dessert: Cupcake

Cup Cake

(Courtesy of Esciencelog)

Rationale: A dollop of icing fails to disguise what is a meagre offering.

C. S. Lewis

C. S. Lewis

The creator of The Chronicles of Narnia was a devout Christian.

Corresponding dessert: Hot Cross Bread and Butter Pudding

hot-cross-bun

(Courtesy of Tesco)

Rationale: This variation on the hot cross bun is ideal fare to mark the end of Lent.

Bram Stoker

Stoker

Irish author Bram Stoker is best remembered for his Gothic novel Dracula.

Corresponding dessert: Red Velvet Slaughter Cake

Red Velvet

(Courtesy of Huffington Post)

Rationale: Self-explanatory

Vladimir Nabokov

Nabokov

The intellectual Russian born Nabokov utilised an ornate prose style.

Corresponding dessert: Deconstructed S’more

Deconstructed Smores

(Courtesy of OC Foodies)

Rationale: This sophisticated, deconstructed extravagance contains caramelised vanilla marshmallow, soft salted caramel and chocolate-coated cereal garnishes.

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Click here for Part III.

If Authors Were Desserts

May 06 2016

Have you ever thought that if so and so were a dessert they would be an apple strudel? This post is devoted to 8 authors and the desserts that in my opinion they/their writing corresponds to.

Charles Bukowski

Charles Bukowski

American poet and novelist Bukowski was known as the ‘laureate of American lowlife’.

Corresponding dessert: Baked apples with whiskey

bourbon-baked-apples

Rationale: Not aesthetically pleasing and unsophisticated it may be, but it tastes good.

E. L. James

ELJAmes

Erotica novelist E. L. James is one of the World’s best-selling authors.

Corresponding dessert: Cheesecake

cheese (Courtesy of Tennessee Cheesecake)

Rationale: Many, including yours truly, are of the opinion that cheese and cake should not be mixed.

Hunter S. Thompson

Hunter Thompson

The father of Gonzo journalism was a staunch patriot with an insatiable thirst.

Corresponding dessert: Chocolate Bourbon Pecan Pie

choc_pecan_pie (Courtesy of Random Sweetness Baking)

Rationale: Self-explanatory.

Dan Brown

Brown

Brown has sold more than 200 million of his mystery/conspiracy novels.

Corresponding dessert: Ring-Shaped Donut

Doughnut (Courtesy of i food)

Rationale: These deep-fried treats are not only bad for the health, but they leave one feeling something’s missing.

Salman Rushdie

rushdie4

This Booker Prize winning author’s preferred genre is magic realism.

Corresponding dessert: Deconstructed Strawberry Falooda

Falooda2 (Courtesy of Pinterest)

Rationale: This Indian dessert drink might not be soft on the eye, but it contains whole wheat vermicelli, gulkand preserve and is devoid of artificial colours.

John Steinbeck

JohnSteinbeck

Steinbeck was an iconic American author with socialist inclinations.

Corresponding dessert: Carrot Cake

carrotcake (Courtesy of Food Network)

Rationale: This modest and wholesome dessert is popular with the proletariat.

Agatha Christie

Agatha Christie

English crime novelist Agatha Christie is the best-selling author of all time.

Corresponding dessert: Tunnock’s Teacake

Tea Cake (Courtesy of the internet)

Rationale: One has to first unwrap the packaging and then bite through the outer layer to reveal what lies beneath.

Stephanie Meyer

Meyer

Meyer is a young-adult fiction writer responsible for the vampire romance series Twilight.

Corresponding dessert: Sponge Cake

sponge cake

(Courtesy of Cogo Food)

Rationale: It might look like a cake, feel like a cake and smell like a cake, but on taking a bite one realises it’s mostly just air.

I like satire. My 2nd novel, Necropolis, is a satirical, black comedy about the politically correct, safety-obsessed world in which we live. I have also read a lot of books that could be described as satirical. My recent satirical reading exploits have included 2 famous and controversial satires about war. Earlier this week I was researching other war satires that might be of interest when it occurred to me that this would make a good topic for a blog post.

Here are 7 famous satirical books about war.

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller

Based on Heller’s own experiences as a bombardier in WWII, this best-selling, satirical, anti-war novel, took its American author 8 years to write. Catch-22 is frequently cited as one of the greatest literary works of the 20th century.

Click here to read my review.

MASH by Richard Hooker

Published in 1968, Mash follows the blundering exploits of the fictitious 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital staff during the Korean War. The book was the inspiration for the 1970 film Mash and the TV series MAS*H.

Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut

Slaughterhouse-Five’s anti-war rhetoric has resulted in it being banned from numerous US schools and libraries. The story is about the exploits of Billy Pilgrim, a survivor of the notorious firebombing of Dresden in World War II.

Click here to read my review.

Going After Cacciato by Tim O’Brien

After going AWOL, Cacciato proceeds to walk from Vietnam to France. The non-linear Cacciato is narrated in the third person from the perspective of its protagonist Paul Berlin. The book’s central theme is psychological trauma.

Gravity’s Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon

This comic novel shared the 1974 U.S. National Book Award for Fiction. Its complex storyline sees protagonist Lieutenant Tyrone Slothrop of the U.S. Army travelling across war-torn Europe, his mission to find the German V2 Rocket 00000.

The Pearl of Kuwait by Tom Paine

The Pearl of Kuwait has been described as Romeo and Juliet meets Lawrence of Arabia. The story follows Marine Private Cody Carmichael and Private Tommy Trang efforts to rescue a Kuwaiti princess from behind enemy lines.

Dear Mr. President by Gabe Hudson

The theme of this series of short stories is Gulf War Syndrome. There is a US Marine who grows a third ear, a veteran whose bones are disintegrating, and a Green Beret who sees a vision of George Washington.

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My Top 5 Most Disturbing Books

Aug 22 2014

This week’s post is dedicated to the top five most disturbing books I have ever read.

5 – Lolita

Nabokov’s ornate masterpiece is about a man’s (Humbert Humbert) infatuation with a twelve-year-old girl. Lolita was regarded as so scandalous that it was rejected by a number of major publishers before its publication in 1955. If you don’t find the subject matter of Lolita disturbing, it would probably be advisable to keep it to yourself.

My Review: The protagonist, Humbert Humbert, is an intellectual with an all-consuming craving for young girls, or nymphets as he refers to them. After his wife leaves him for … (More)

4 – Less Than Zero

Less Than Zero is about a privileged group of L.A. youngsters, who appear on the surface to have an idealistic life, but in reality live unrewarding and superficial existences. Though less violent and graphic than the author’s seminal work, American Psycho, Less Than Zero’s unrelenting bleakness is deeply disturbing, at least in this reader’s opinion.

My Review: Set in nineteen-eighties Los Angeles, the story follows eighteen-year-old Clay, returned home for Christmas from college in New Hampshire. Clay immediately falls back into the L.A. social scene, … (More)

3 – Haunted

Haunted is a series of short stories, in which the author succeeds in not only amusing, horrifying and disgusting his readers, but also skilfully exploring a variety of themes. One of the short stories ‘Guts’, a tale of violent accidents involving masturbation, is so harrowing that during a 2003 reading by the author, it was reported that over thirty-five people fainted.

My Review: Haunted is about a group of writers, who have been assembled by the conniving Mr Whittier to attend a writers group. The location of the retreat is in an isolated theatre with no access to the outside … (More)

2 – American Psycho

American Psycho is a satire of the yuppies culture of the 1980s. The book caused outrage when it was published due to its explicit violent and sexual content, as well as its perceived misogynistic elements. American Psycho went on to become a cult classic and one of the most influential books of the nineties.

My Review: American Psycho is a highly controversial novel that brought its young author Bret Easton Ellis instant fame. The book is written from the perspective of a young Wall Street financier, Patrick Bateman … (More)

1 – The Killer Inside Me

The Killer Inside Me

The Killer Inside Me is a thought provoking, suspenseful and unrelentingly bleak first person narrative about a psychopath, in which the author, Jim Thompson, succeeds in engrossing and disturbing the reader through the use of suspense, and realistic, simple prose. It is without doubt the most disturbing work of fiction I have read to date.

My Review: Twenty-nine-year-old Lou Ford is a Deputy Sheriff from the West Texas town of Central City. Lou, who is in a long-term relationship with childhood sweetheart Amy Stanton, … (More)

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British Sky Broadcasting

Aug 15 2014

You may remember that last Friday my weekly blog post was about Chinese Internet censorship. When I woke up the following morning I went to check my WordPress blog, only to discover that I could not get into it. The problems did not end there. I was distraught to discover that all WordPress websites were blocked from my computer, this despite the fact that I was able to access other sites on the Internet with no problem. It was obvious what had occurred, the Chinese state’s censors had hacked my blog. By preventing me from accessing WordPress they were silencing my opinions in customary draconian fashion.

It transpired that this assumption couldn’t have been further from the truth. On phoning my provider (Sky) I was informed that it was due to a problem with the server.

Unable to perform my WordPress duties, I turned my attention to other administrative tasks, starting with a still unopened letter from my satellite television provider – Sky. I knew what the letter was going to say before I even opened it. It was another price hike. These seem to arrive every other month these days. The accompanying letter outlined the rationale for the price increase. It promised that there would be yet more American serials. That settled it. I am cancelling.

Companies such as Sky seem to be particularly adept at meeting a want, and then when they have your custom becoming the face of total need. Well not for me, not any more. I only had it for the football anyway.

Television has become like a ladder in recent years. The first rung is the compulsory, overpriced BBC licence fee that you don’t want, after which you proceed to the second rung – the Sky/cable television package, then it is the extra channels, then the 3D package. But you haven’t reached the top yet, and you can’t turn back now, after you’ve climbed all this way. The next rung is pay per view. As television becomes interactive, more rungs are going to be added until the ladder reaches to infinity. I have been climbing this ladder towards heaven, only to find that redemption is merely an illusion. Only now have I realised this.

Fortunately there are books, and if I am desperate my friend’s Netflix account.

Chinese Internet Censorship

Aug 08 2014

Since starting this WordPress.com blog in early 2012, I have welcomed visitors from a multitude of countries, including Azerbaijan, Botswana, Mauritius and Guernsey (Yes Guernsey is a country according to WordPress). I am still waiting for the first intrepid Beninese and Togolese explorers to discover my blog, and to date there have been no visits from North Korea – perhaps not surprising considering the Internet is merely a rumour for much of the country’s population.

There has yet to be a single visitor from the People’s Republic of China (Population: 1.366 billion, 19% of World’s population). This probably has something to do with the fact that WordPress.com is usually blocked in China. Other popular websites that are blocked in China include Twitter, Facebook, Xhamster (pornography website), and even The New York Times. The ban now also extends to beards, at least on public transport in Xinjiang, in the restless far west of the country.

Yesterday I spent some time perusing the Chinese Amazon website. I found a number of controversial books there, including Palahniuk’s anarchist work, Fight Club, and Bret Easton Ellis’s ultra-violent American Psycho. Chinese residents planning to buy a copy of the Dalai Lama’s autobiography will be left disappointed, as will any Chinese Brad Pitt fans hoping to get the DVD of Seven Years In Tibet.

I even found my humorous tale of the unexpected, Charles Middleworth. There was no sign of my latest book, the satirical, black comedy, Necropolis. Perhaps I would be flattering myself if I were to think Necropolis has raised the ire of the Chinese censors, but at any rate any hopes I harboured of Necropolis becoming a 21st Century Little Red Book have had to be put on hold for now.

Last night lying in bed, unable to get to sleep, I took to thinking about what English language search terms I might think twice about entering into a search engine, if I was a Chinese resident. I came up with these:

#OrganHarvesting #FreeTibet #UighurDissident #FalunGong

#FoodScandal #DalaiLama #XinjiangRiots #BearBile

Were you to search for these terms in China, you might well be looking over your shoulder whilst travelling clean-shaven on a public bus, or munching on an expired Big Mac at McDonalds.

Culinary Revelations

Aug 01 2014

Last Wednesday – Pret a Manger. Underneath the adjacent table was a small, inquisitive King Charles Spaniel, attached to a lead. A floral-frocked lady was clasping the end of the lead in one hand whilst nibbling on what appeared to be a Teriyaki salmon salad. She was informing her companion of the perils of gluten, a conversation that I seem to be hearing increasingly regularly these days. However, I was somewhat surprised when she announced that her dog Kuby was now gluten-free.

I couldn’t resist putting this to the test by surreptitiously throwing pieces of bread from my Swedish meatball wrap in Kuby’s direction. Kuby devoured them greedily. A third glutinous threat was mid-air when the lady turning abruptly towards me, demanded to know what I was giving her dog. I wanted to reply that it was merely an organic, gluten-free slice of butternut or an environmentally friendly Edamame Bean, but as there was nothing vaguely resembling anything of that ilk on my table, I was left with no alternative than to merely smile and shrug. I left soon after.

It was a hot, sunny day, so I decided to take a short walk in the local park. There hadn’t been any rain for several days and the place was beginning to resemble the Kalahari. I was sitting on one of the park’s benches when I noticed an animated group of what appeared to be students, on the grass in front of me. Intrigued, I headed over to them. A Mars Ice Cream bar eating contest was taking place. The two competitors were sitting on the grass – one a bulky, sullen looking, male Goth with a nose ring and purple painted nails, the other a very thin T-shirted student type wearing spectacles. Several Goth females and two non-Goth males served as spectators. Cheering commenced as each round of Mars Ice Cream (260 calories each) was devoured. I was informed the loser had to pay for the ice cream, which was going to mean a pretty big bill, as they were already on round eight. From the greenish hue of the Goth it was apparent that he wasn’t going to last much longer. I would have liked to stay for the finale, but I had to go to the bank.

On my way out of the park I considered that this Goth vs. Geek competition could continue with races, relays and obstacle courses. It would probably be more entertaining than the ongoing Commonwealth Games in Glasgow.

All through the meeting at the bank I was thinking about Mars Ice Cream. After leaving the bank I met a friend, who unannounced introduced me to my third culinary surprise of the day, a YouTube video of the annual Cambodian rat harvest, which quelled the desire for any Mars Ice Cream.

The Commonwealth Games

Jul 25 2014

Wednesday Evening – I am idly flicking through the television channels when I stumble across the Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony. If there is a less enthralling sporting event on this planet than the Commonwealth Games, I am yet to hear of it.

However, I found the opening ceremony to be quite entertaining. The display included many things considered synonymous with Scotland, and/or the great city of Glasgow. These included inflatable Loch Ness Monsters, giant Tunnocks Tea Cakes, a huge haggis, golf clubs, Scottish terriers leading out the forty-one participating national teams, and even an Irn-Bru Forth Bridge. Anyone hoping to catch a glimpse of a gargantuan fried Mars Bar, people drinking alcohol out of brown paper bags, or an enormous syringe were no doubt left disappointed. The mascot for the 20th edition of the Games is Clyde (see below – he is named after a thistle that grows on the bank of the Clyde river).

Rod Stewart sang, as did that woman from X-Factor I was hoping I’d seen the last of. We got to see the head of The Commonwealth, the Queen, and a glimpse of the star attraction, Usain Bolt, one of the few global athletic stars that isn’t either ineligible for the Games, or hasn’t succeeded in getting a sick note from their doctor in time.

Controversy was provided in the form of Dr Who actor John Barrowman kissing a man, before dragging him to the altar for a mock wedding. This new version of the Glasgow kiss was presumably not appreciated in the forty-two of the fifty-three Commonwealth countries where homosexuality is illegal. No doubt John Barrowman, who recently wed his male partner, isn’t planning to honeymoon in Nigeria or Uganda, where an anti-homosexuality act was passed earlier this year. Whether Barrowman’s actions are viewed as a defiant stance against homophobia, or symbolic of a prurient nation, is a matter of individual opinion. Quite what the Queen made of it all we can only guess.

That’s it for today. I’ve got to rush off or I’m going to miss The Solomon Islands efforts in the Lawn Bowl.

New Curtains and Blinds

May 30 2014

Tuesday Morning – The new curtains and blinds finally arrive. It seems an eternity ago that I ordered them, probably because it was. An hour or so later curtains and blinds have been erected downstairs. They look great, well worth the wait.

The fitter is putting the finishing touches to the Roman Blind when I walk into the upstairs room that serves as my study. I like it. He explains that it is the legal requirement that the string pulley system be at least 150cm from the ground. This is to prevent youngsters becoming entangled and potentially strangled by the string. He demonstrates the height with a measuring tape, then hands me a form to sign. The form states something to the effect that the fitting is in keeping with European standards for blind and shutter safety regulation EN13120:2009+A1:2014.

I shake my head glumly and say, ‘Perhaps I should have told you this earlier. My doctor has exempted me from all EN13120:2009 blind and shutter regulations.’

‘You have a what?’ replies the man in a surprised tone.

‘An exemption. You see a pulley system with fittings in excess of 120cm in height poses a potential threat to my wellbeing. I’m an asphyxiation fetishist you see.’

‘Excuse me.’

‘An asphyxiation fetishist.’

‘What’re those?’

‘Asphyxiation fetishists, or gaspers as they are commonly referred to in the trade, are people who get sexual gratification from the intentional restriction of oxygen to the brain.’ My gaze never leaves his face as I say this, and there is not even the faintest flicker of a smile.

‘No, I err don’t know anything about that’, replies the courteous, professional, if rather timorous man.

I stride up to the blind and wrap the string around my neck. Now I’m smiling.

‘Don’t do that,’ he replies holding his arms out.

‘I’ll have to phone the shop,’ he says. ‘Do you have a doctor’s certificate? The shop might need a copy for their files.’

‘Don’t worry I’ll sign it, but be warned, if it results in misadventure this will be landing on your doorstep.’

Having signed the form I hand it back to him, thinking that perhaps I should tell him that I’m joking, as I’m feeling increasingly embarrassed. However it is evidently far, far too late for that. After refusing the offer of a cup of tea he completed the erection of the blind in the final room in less than half the time it took him to do any of the others. Then he was packing up his tools at a frenetic pace and heading out the door. I was surprised that he never questioned my preposterous and irrational lie. After all would a lower pulley system really prevent a gasper’s activities, and at any rate wouldn’t they consider ordering curtains instead. I put it down to the fact that when we are in a state of shock we often don’t think rationally, and simply go into panic mode.

The curtains and blinds look fantastic.

Necropolis Launch

Apr 24 2014

I am pleased to announce that Necropolis is now available from all regional Amazons in paperback and Kindle. Necropolis is a humorous work of dark fiction about a sociopath, who works for the Burials and Cemeteries department in his local council.

Crime Fiction Lover (Britain’s largest and most prestigious crime Fiction review site) has awarded Necropolis 5 out of 5 stars. Click here to read the review (warning: contains some spoilers).

If you haven’t seen it already this is the blurb for Necropolis:

Dyson Devereux works in the Burials and Cemeteries department in his local council. Dyson is intelligent, incisive and informed. He is also a sociopath. Dyson’s contempt for the bureaucracy and banality of his workplace provides ample refuge for his mordant wit. But the prevalence of Essex Cherubs adorning the headstones of Newton New Cemetery is starting to get on his nerves.

When an opportunity presents itself will Dyson seize his chance and find freedom, or is his destiny to be a life of toil in Burials and Cemeteries?

Brutal, bleak and darkly comical, Necropolis is a savage indictment of the politically correct, health and safety obsessed world in which we live.

‘Not only a funny, twisted, erudite satire on the psychopath genre, this novel also boasts a compelling plot and finely sculpted characters’

‘A black comedy of true distinction’

‘I was at once fascinated and disturbed by the devious Dyson Devereux with his malicious pedantry, wicked schemes and grotesque good taste. A barbed joy’

Amazon.co.uk – Paperback: £6.99 Kindle: £2.22

Amazon.com – Paperback: $10.52 Kindle: $3.73

I would like to take this opportunity to thank author, writing professional and friend Diane Mannion (@Dydywriter) for her expertise, encouragement and support. And thank you Adam (@Alayerdim) for all the erudite book reviews you have contributed to this blog, and for your assistance with my two books.

Tag - Satire

Authors as Desserts II

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If Authors Were Desserts

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7 Satirical Books about War

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My Top 5 Most Disturbing Books

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British Sky Broadcasting

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Culinary Revelations

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The Commonwealth Games

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New Curtains and Blinds

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Necropolis Launch

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