Social Media | Guy Portman's Blog

9 Twitter Types

Sep 16 2016

Back in 2012 when I was a Twitter neophyte I wrote a series of satirical posts about the tweeting habits of the various species that inhabit Twitter. Today sees a return to the subject.

Aims & Objectives: To observe and document the tweeting habits of 9 Twitter species.

#Hyperactive #Hashtagger (Perquam strennus)
Incessant tweeters who can be distinguished from other species of the voluminous variety by the ubiquitous #. Nine #’s have been recorded in a single tweet.

Convivial Communicator (Amica Garrulus)
These social creatures calls are audible throughout their waking hours. They typically comprise RTs’, conversational tweets and on occasion self-promotion.

Continual Commentator (Semper Nuntius)
Tweets are nearly always in the form of a statement, rarely part of a conversation, and more often than not contain opinion. It was with a heavy heart that I observed a Semper Nuntius specimen I had first come across back in 2012 still giving daily updates about their television watching itinerary.

Harmonious Helper (Concordi adiutor)
An enthusiastic and contented species that rarely tweets at a rate of more than 10 tweets per hour. They are known to provide detailed instructional information for the benefit of the herd.

Hate Hawker (Auctor odio)
These spite-filled animals vitriol tends to be directed at a particular minority group. In this observer’s opinion Auctor odio would be more readily accepted were they to mix things up with less fervent messages, such as the contents of their sandwich at lunch.

Mundane Messenger (Nuntius mundane)
Nuntius mundane calls consist of random information tweeted throughout its waking hours.

Don’t you just love it when the kettle boils faster than you thought it would — sent from Iphone

Irritating Interloper (Vexo tertius)
Vexo Tertius is a flurry tweeter, who utilises statements and excessive capitalisation. They are prone to using the words I/Me/My (regional variations may apply).

Grammar Goons (Grammatica maculat)
im ready bt mi computer bout dead innit need 2 find mi charga bt ima take it t2 mi sista haus lolz

The prevalence of such tweets is a concern for the future of the English language.

Positivity Purveyor (Inspiratori Novitatis)
Also known as Didactic Dispatchers, these relentlessly optimistic creatures are often well received by other species.

You can’t change what has already happened, so don’t waste your time thinking about it. Move on, let go, and get over it. — It all gets rather earnest for this specimen’s taste.

@GuyPortman

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New Twitter Species Discovered

May 16 2014

Followers of my blog will be only too aware of my Twitter obsession. I have devoted posts to how my fellow authors use Twitter to market their books, Twitter annoyances, in addition to several posts about the various species that inhabit the Twittersphere.

Several weeks ago a Twitter friend mentioned to me that random Tweets she was sending, which were utterly irrelevant to anyone but the intended recipient, were being RTd by others.

Without further ado I collected my specimen net, donned my Victorian explorer’s hat, and headed off into the darkest depths of the Twittersphere, to observe one of these peculiar Twitter specimens in their natural habitat. I had travelled but a short distance when I heard Emma reply to a Tweet from Chris with, ‘See you Monday Chris’.

No sooner had the Tweet been sent than it was seized and randomly RTd to twenty thousand Followers by another Twitter account, not named Chris. Since that occurrence I have been observing similar Tweeting antics on a nearly daily basis. The Tweets are of the:

‘Thank you for the RT Patricia’ – ‘How was your weekend Emilio.’ – ‘Okay see you then.’ And ‘She’s fine thanks for asking’ variety.

This new locust like Twitter species could soon reach plague proportions, devouring Tweets as they go, leaving a barren Twittersphere in their wake. I took to ruminating as to the logic behind this peculiar Tweeting habit, but was unable to comprehend a rational reason for it. It was at this juncture that I remembered a quote by author and cultural icon, William S. Burroughs.

‘Your knowledge of what is going on can only be superficial and relative.’

Burroughs possessed remarkable rationality and intuitiveness when it came to analysing situations, other than on the occasion when he accidentally shot his wife Joan Vollmer dead, whilst trying to shoot a water tumbler balanced on her head. But everyone is allowed the occassional off day.

Then I remembered another Burroughs quote, which also seemed appropriate in my perplexed state. Burroughs once famously said:

‘Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer.’

Well I have been relaxing, but my mind is no closer to answering the perplexing question regarding the habits of this newly discovered Twitter species. And so I am left with no alternative but to return full circle to his first quote. Anyway I have named the new species temere sequitor, Random Repeater in English.

This is my review of Queer by William S. Burroughs.

Click here to read Adam’s review of The Soft Machine by the same author.

Book Marketing

May 02 2014

It has now been just over a week since I released my satirical black comedy, Necropolis. This week’s blog post is about some of my book marketing efforts so far. Hopefully fellow authors might find some of this information useful.

Reviews

In my opinion it is imperative to start approaching reviewers before the release of your book. A few days before the official launch day Necropolis was reviewed on:

Crime Fiction Lover – (Britain’s biggest Crime Fiction website) awarded Necropolis 5 Stars.

The following is a quote I particularly liked from their review:

‘The book is full of razor-sharp satire. No politically correct madness escapes unscathed, and no sacred cow remains un-butchered and served up in freezer packs.’

A number of authors suggest that approaching Amazon Top 500 Customer Reviewers can be a beneficial strategy. You can recognise Amazon’s top reviewers on Amazon, as they have written in a blue font next to their names things like; HALL OF FAME and TOP 10 REVIEWER.

To receive a review from one of Amazon’s top reviewers gives added validity to your book/product, provided they like it of course, otherwise the opposite holds true. I would not recommend trying to contact any until your book/product goes Live on Amazon. This is a video link to assist you in finding them. Click here to find out how to do this.

From my experience only a very few have contact details, desire to be contacted and/or fall within a given target market, but if your book manages to entice one of these respected reviewers it is well worth the effort. There will be a couple of Amazon Top 500 Customer Reviewers of Necropolis on Amazon.co.uk in the near future.

It goes without saying that more reviews do not equal more sales, only visibility can achieve that, but reviews are critical in persuading customers to purchase once they are on your page.

Bloggers

Blog tours are a marketing strategy used by many authors to gain exposure when they launch a new book. Personally I never planned anything that formal. However, a number of kind bloggers have offered to interview me, provide a guest author profile and/or review my book. This offers a great opportunity for exposure, and in the case of interviews, allows readers to find out more about you as a person. Readers like this, so I am told. Here are some blogs/websites I have appeared on so far:

Fiction Favorites – Yesterday American author and prolific Haiku creator, John Howell, kindly interviewed me for his popular blog.

Bookingly Yours – My guest author profile.

Chunk Books – Author, Hollywood Actor and former skateboarder Eric Barry interviewed me for his new blog, dedicated to readers and authors of the Transgressive genre.

More to follow soon.

I had a pre launch giveaway on the popular reader site, as I did for my first book, Charles Middleworth. I offered 3 signed copies of Necropolis. 1,260 people entered, and nearly 500 added Necropolis to their to-read list. Goodreads giveaways provide a unique opportunity for your book to be seen by some of goodreads’ 20 million users.

The potential downside is:

There is a risk winners will fall outside your target audience. If an avid fan of Christian Fiction, positive thinking books and/or books featuring cute kittens/puppies wins a copy of my satirical black comedy, Necropolis, they will probably not like it, and this will no doubt be reflected in their review – but that is the risk you take.

For those that are unfamiliar with LibraryThing, it is the competitor to goodreads, with a purported 1.65m users. The LibraryThing Members Giveaway feature provides the opportunity to give away your book. In contrast to goodreads one can offer an ebook as opposed to a hardcopy. The advantage of this is that it will not incur any cost for the author. I held an ebook giveaway for Necropolis.

If you are not familiar with the site, be warned, it is easier to find your way through a maze than to navigate through LibraryThing. A lot of work needs to be done to make the site more user friendly, if it is ever to truly compete with goodreads.

There are now 5 Star reviews of Necropolis on Amazon.co.uk, Amazon.com and goodreads.

Dyson Devereux works in the Burials and Cemeteries department in his local council. Dyson is intelligent, incisive and informed. He is also a sociopath. Dyson’s contempt for the bureaucracy and banality of his workplace provides ample refuge for his mordant wit. But the prevalence of Essex Cherubs adorning the headstones of Newton New Cemetery is starting to get on his nerves.

When an opportunity presents itself will Dyson seize his chance and find freedom, or is his destiny to be a life of toil in Burials and Cemeteries?

Brutal, bleak and darkly comical, Necropolis is a savage indictment of the politically correct, health and safety obsessed world in which we live.

‘Not only a funny, twisted, erudite satire on the psychopath genre, this novel also boasts a compelling plot and finely sculpted characters’

‘A black comedy of true distinction’

‘I was at once fascinated and disturbed by the devious Dyson Devereux with his malicious pedantry, wicked schemes and grotesque good taste. A barbed joy’

Amazon.co.uk – Paperback & Kindle: £2.22

Amazon.com – Paperback & Kindle: $3.73

Thank you to all those who have purchased a copy and/or assisted me in spreading the word about Necropolis.

Next week I will be blogging about marketing on social media:

Social Media Reflections

Apr 04 2014

With the forthcoming release of my second book, Necropolis (a humorous work of dark fiction ~~– Release Date: April 24th~~), I have found myself reflecting on my place in the ever-growing medium that is social media. This week’s blog post is dedicated to social media.

Anyone familiar with my Twitter Species blog posts will be aware that my interest in Twitter is now an obsession. I like to consider myself a member of the Amica Garrulus (Convivial Communicator) species. We are social Tweeters, who like to engage with all other Twitter species (with the exception of members of the Vexo Tertius & Molestus Confuse species), who we avoid like the plague.

Here are a few of my Twitter observations.

Engagement – This is crucial (if your Tweets are never part of a conversation you are merely talking to yourself – and we all know what the first sign of madness is don’t we).
Endorsement – It is imperative that other Twitter specimens (regardless of species, well, almost) endorse us. This validates our efforts.
Discernible Tweeting Call – To be heard above the relentless clamour of the Twittersphere, a distinctive/unique Tweeting call is a necessity.
Pictures – The good news is users can finally effectively upload pictures. The bad news is Twitter is seeing an influx of pictures of kitties (c.f. @EmrgencyKittens – for when you need a kitten to cheer you up).

With over 1.23 billion monthly active users, Facebook remains the behemoth of social media platforms. However all is not well in the home of countless millions of cute kitties. Facebook has started to resemble a police state in recent times, with the major change to its timeline update a little over a year ago, which resulted in less of one’s Likers getting to see one’s posts. Under the current draconian measures, Facebook seemingly arbitrarily decides what percentage of your Likers/Endorsers get to view your posts

Not all Likes are equal – Seeking random Likes is counter productive, unless your sole objective is to make your page appear popular. But as we all know appearances can be deceptive.
>200 Likes – If you have a page with >200 Likes it is not currently possible to change the name of that page. Instead you have to start a new page. This is something to consider when starting a page.

I had the >200 Like issue yesterday with my Charles Middleworth (my first book) page, and was forced to start a new page for my forthcoming book, Necropolis. My Necropolis page currently has no Likes, and is feeling lonely and isolated. Feel free to Like it and I might Like yours back, unless your page is full of pictures of kitties, in which case I won’t.

We are currently witnessing something akin to the mass migration from the countryside to the cities of yesteryear, as Facebook users increasingly disillusioned with the draconian measures, and/or influx of kitties on Facebook, seek a new home on Google+. Google+ is supposedly geared towards businesses and professionals, but as a cursory glance at my homepage reveals, there is a disturbing influx of kitties, in addition to pictures of home baked cookies; which leaves me wondering whether this is still the case.

Google Rank – There is considerable evidence to suggest that effective use of Google+ (SEO optimisation, +1s etc.) leads to preferential treatment on the Google search engine.
Innovation – As one can expect from the creators of the Google search engine, Google+ is constantly innovating and is quite complex. New users need to be prepared to spend considerable time becoming familiar with it.

goodreads is a haven for readers and writers alike to liaise in a kitty free environment (earlier this week I did receive a message from an author who has just written a book about his relationship with his three kitties, but that is the exception rather than the rule).

Giveaways – Are an effective way for authors in a congested marketplace to gain some exposure for their book/s. In January I had a giveaway for my first book Charles Middleworth, a humorous tale of the unexpected (entries: 800, added to to-read list: 294). I will be having another for Necropolis (starting soon).
Groups – Some of the groups provide a great way to meet readers and authors, as well as to share our universal love for books (not Romance & Christian Fiction in my case).

My second book, Necropolis ~~(April 24th)~~, is a humorous work of dark Fiction about a sociopath, who works for the Burials and Cemeteries department in his local council.

‘A black comedy of true distinction’

Next week I will be sharing the blurb.

Earlier this week author and Hollywood actor, Eric Barry, interviewed me for his new website, CHUNKBOOK. Click here to see the interview.

Twitter Species

Mar 14 2014

Nearly two years ago in May 2012, shortly after starting this blog, and one month before the release of my humorous tale of the unexpected, Charles Middleworth, I made a detailed study of the various species that inhabit Twitter. Now a month removed from the launch of my second book, Necropolis, I grab my binoculars, specimen jars and butterfly net, and head off once more to the deepest, darkest depths of the Twittersphere.

The following is what I discovered. (Note: It includes species found in my last study + some new discoveries).

#Hyperactive #Hashtaggers (Perquam strennus) – #Hyperactive #Hashtaggers are incessant Tweeters that usually tweet 24 hours a day. During peak Tweeting hours around dusk and dawn single specimens have been recorded Tweeting as frequently as every 19 seconds. #Hyperactive #Hashtagger Tweeting calls can be distinguished from other species of the voluminous variety due to the ubiquitous #. 9 #’s have been recorded in a single Tweet.

Harmonious Helpers (Concordi adiutor) – These enthusiastic, contented Tweeters Tweet only during waking hours, at a rate rarely exceeding 10 tweets per hour, or a 100 per day. The Tweeting call of the Harmonious Helper is always positive and often contains words like thank you/greeting/welcome (regional variations may apply). A high percentage of Tweets (about 49%) are either part of or result in a conversation. Harmonious Helpers’ often provide detailed instructional Tweets for the benefit of other species.

Continual Commentators (Semper Nuntius) – These swamp dwelling creatures Tweet primarily during nocturnal hours after the cessation of their foraging activities. Their Tweeting call is usually in the form of a statement, is opinionated, and is not part of a conversation. Responses to their Tweets have only rarely been recorded in the wild.

It was with a heavy heart that I viewed a solitary specimen from my previous study (2 years ago) still Tweeting its opinions about TV shows and political views without response.

Forex Foragers – Forex Foragers Tweeting calls consist of unintelligible utterances such as:

Best Forex Robot FOREX INCOME ENGINE BILL POULOS COMPLETE SET BRAMD NEW annoyingforexspammer/q3

This researcher can only assume these Tweets mean something to its fellow species.

Convivial Communicators (Amica Garrulus) – The Convivial Communicator is a social Tweeter, whose Tweeting call is audible throughout its waking hours. Tweets can be distinguished in part by the lengthy pause between each utterance. Tweets generally take the form of RTs’, conversational tweets and on occasion self-promotion. Tweets very rarely contain facts, quotes, criticism or judgement.

Irritating Interlopers (Vexo Tertius) – These carrion consuming creatures generally Tweet in short flurries several times a day. It is very unusual for an Irritating Interloper’s Tweets to either be part of a conversation or to result in one. Tweets are in the form of statements, usually contain capitalisation, and one of more occurrence of the word I, Me or My (regional variations may apply). Other species’ have been recorded recoiling at the sound of a lone Irritating Interloper’s Tweeting call, before moving hastily out of Tweeting range.

Inspirational Innovators (Inspiratori Novitatis) – Inspirational Innovators Tweet intermittently on a daily basis. Tweeting generally occurs about 6 to 10 times in any given 24 period. Inspirational Innovators are pensive, rational creatures, who generally tweet about a single topic, which they deem will inspire creatures with an interest in this subject matter.

Positive Proselytizers – (Prima proselytizers) – A subspecies of the Inspiration Innovator. Positive Proselytizers are of a religious/spiritual disposition and do not shy away from sharing the ‘good’ news.

Mundane Messengers (mundana enim adnuntiantis) – Tweeting habits consist of Tweeting random, non-inspirational information sporadically throughout waking hours. Whilst conducting this study I observed several Mundane Messenger Tweets, including something about a cheese sandwich and wanting to put the kettle on.

Comical Contributors (Conferunt ridiculum) – Comical Contributors sole purpose is to cause amusement. They also utilise Tweeting displays (videos & pictures). Comical Contributors have the ability to bring a modicum of colour to a recipient’s day.

Distressing Discombobulaters – (Molestus confuse) – Tweeting is incessant (rates of about 100 Tweets per hour, every hour for days at a time have been recorded). Tweet composition generally takes the form of a combination of quotes and sales pitches with no/few RTs’. It is this researcher’s opinion that this species’ voracious Tweeting habits will result in its extinction, as specimens are left with little time to perform necessary functions such as eating.

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My second book, Necropolis ~~(Release date: April 24th)~~ is a work of dark humorous fiction about a sociopath, who works for the Burials and Cemeteries department in his local council. Further details to follow…

Twitter Reflections

Jan 17 2014

December 27^th 2011 – Feeling somewhat lethargic after what had been a fairly gluttonous Christmas period, I lay beached on the sofa, remote clasped in one hand, idly flicking through the TV channels. There were only two programmes that even vaguely stimulated my interest. I decided to Tweet this information to the world. The Tweet read:

‘Choices, choices – Kim Jong-il’s state funeral or George of the Jungle with Brendan Fraser?’ #Jong-il #BrendanFraser

It was a defining moment, as this was the first Tweet I had ever sent. No one responded, perhaps because I didn’t have any Followers back then. A little over two years, 4,010 Followers and 7,437 Tweets later I find myself reflecting on my time spent in the Twitter sphere. A period that has witnessed some truly remarkable Twitter events, none more so than the medium’s pivotal role in the Arab Spring.

These Twitter facts pay testimony to the influence of the social media behemoth.

1 Billion – Registered Twitter Users.
500 Million – Average Number of Tweets sent per Day.

So fascinated with this microcosm of society did I become that I was soon writing extensively about Twitter here on my blog, including posts about the various species that inhabit Twitter, Twitter annoyances, Twitter viruses, how authors use Twitter to promote their books and much more besides.

I’ve seen it all – the good, the bad and the ugly.

The Good – Making Twitter friends, particularly fellow authors. Taking part in entertaining conversations. Sharing interesting and entertaining information with others and vice versa. Utilising Twitter as a curated news feed to get breaking news.

The Bad – #TeamFollowBack. ‘10,000 Followers for $5’ type spam Twitter accounts, more often than not from an account with a profile pic of an under-age looking South East Asian girl acting as jail bait. Incessant Repeater Tweeters (e.g. authors saying things like ‘BUY NOW’ and ‘PRIZE WINNER!’ – more often than not complete with capitalisation and exclamation marks, in some instances I have seen promotional Tweets repeated up to x200 per day).

The Ugly – Justin Bieber.

What have I learnt from my Twitter experiences? As an author I was keen to use the medium to promote my book, Charles Middleworth, a humorous tale of the unexpected. These are the lessons I have learnt:

There is no correlation between book sale pitch related Tweets and books sales.
Twitter can be a useful tool in referring traffic to one’s blog (12% of my blog traffic is referred by Twitter).
Increasing Follower numbers does not necessarily equate to more sales, leads, blog traffic etc.

With my second book, Necropolis, a work of dark humour, due to launch the week of April 21^st, I have been considering my future use of the medium. These are my conclusions.

Future Use:

Utilise a personal/distinctive voice to stand out from the crowd as opposed to add to the clamour.
Avoid ‘Buy Now’ type Tweets and instead promote book through event/promotion announcements at the appropriate time (i.e. book launch, Amazon KDP, goodreads giveaway).

Comparisons with other social media platforms (my experience):

Google+ to date has been more effective in driving traffic to my blog (Tangible Evidence: 15% of blog traffic this quarter – Intangible: weight of evidence suggesting Google+ presence improves google search engine ranking).
goodreads – More effective than Twitter for promoting my book, communicating with readers, improving visibility and measuring results. (Supporting Evidence: Recent Charles Middleworth giveaway had 824 entries, with 319 people adding to their to-read list).

Social Media Reflections

Sep 06 2013

Prior to the publication last year of my novel, Charles Middleworth, an insightful and humorous tale of the unexpected, my social media presence consisted of merely a Facebook profile with a couple of pictures (not of cats). Shortly before the book’s release I made a foray into Twitter and have since embraced a range of social media platforms. In this post I reflect on my social media observations to date:

Twitter – A little over seven years ago a Tweet was the sound emitted by a variety of small birds. Today Tweets are synonymous with only one bird, the blue Twitter bird; a bird that tweets incessantly 24/7. To date approximately 170 billion Tweets have been sent by 500 million Twitter users.

As my blog followers know I have become somewhat obsessed with Twitter and have devoted numerous posts to Twitter related subjects, ranging from studying the species that inhabit Twitter, to Twitter grievances including Justin Bieber and the ways in which authors sell books on Twitter.

Observation: The value of Twitter lies in the personal connections one makes, not in intrusive and counterproductive blanket promotional Tweeting.

Facebook – Facebook remains the behemoth of social media with over a billion users each month. Much of the promotional efforts on Facebook revolve around getting Likes for your given page/s. However the value of these Likes is more often than not derisory. Research suggests 99% of Facebook fans are worthless.

It is worth noting that Facebook only displays your posts to a small percentage of the people that have Liked your page. Facebook also charges users to promote their posts after reaching the 500+ Like threshold.

Observation: Not all Likes are equal. The value of a given Like is derived from its origin (i.e. authors require Likes from their target-readership not other authors).

Linked-in – The site’s 238m users take their jobs seriously and turn up smartly dressed and ready to network. They do not appreciate the ruckus of some other social media sites (i.e. Twitter) and expect decorum at all times. Self-promotion needs to be conducted with restraint. Some have argued that the platform’s obsession with stamping down on self-promotion has become overly aggressive of late (see this Forbes article). Personally I do not use the site a great deal but can occasionally be found at one its numerous groups dedicated to writers.

Observation: A great place to get advice and network with others, but remember that the party hat people might find amusing on Twitter, Facebook and Pinterest will probably not go down well here. Oh and there is no need for those pictures of your cat – I don’t care if it is cute.

Goodreads – With 20 million members and 2.5 million reviews, goodreads is the place to be to network with readers. I find myself relishing this Bieberless enclave every time I visit. Goodreads is a place where one is able to concentrate on book related matters without being interrupted by scantily clad South-East Asian jail-bait promising to love you long time whilst trying to sell you thousands of Followers for $10.

Goodreads is an ideal place for authors to meet readers; readers being the key word. If one only socialises with one’s author friends on the site, then the whole dog chasing its own tail scenario starts all over again.

Observation: Etiquette is the key word with goodreads. Its users are fastidious in embracing social norms and will more often than not meet unsolicited friend requests and self-promotion with contempt.

Google+ – There is much evidence to suggest that the Google search engine matches search results with Google+. This is reason enough to join the 500m users in calling the place home. It was only recently that I turned up at Google+, bunch of flowers in hand. However I received no love, so I came back with a box of chocolates, but my efforts still went ignored. I am determined that one day in the not too distant future I will be viewed as a valued member of this increasingly influential community.

Observation: Backed by its big brother Google, Google+ is set to grow exponentially over the forthcoming years and may well be where the party will be at.

What happens when Adrian, an actuary, has his banal and predictable existence turned upside down by sinister forces that he can neither understand nor control? How will he react to a revelation that leaves his life in turmoil? Will he surrender or strive for redemption in an altered world, where rationality, scientific logic and algorithms no longer provide the answers?

‘An insightful and humorous tale of the unexpected’ – Reader

‘A sardonic delight. If Thackeray had lived in the 21st century, then he might have written Charles Middleworth.’ – Reader

Charles Middleworth is available through most regional Amazons on Kindle (£1.96/$3.17) and in paperback.

United Kingdom – www.amazon.co.uk

USA – www.amazon.com

Tormenting Twitter Types (Part 2)

Jul 19 2013

Anyone who follows my blog knows that I have an emotional attachment to social media. Though Twitter will always be my first love, I have recently started seeing Google+ and must confess to becoming somewhat infatuated with her. Though I have devoted many posts to confessing my love for Twitter, this post (one of a series) is dedicated to Twitter grievances.

Repeater Tweeters – We have all come across accounts that repeat Tweets over and over again, often multiple times per day. These Tweets contain a link, nearly always have at least some capitalisation and more often than not the syntax remains if not the same, virtually identical. I am talking about the:

REVEALED – OBAMA IS A COMMUNIST!!!!! – obamacommunist/q2

What can the revelation be, I asked myself, clicking on one of these type of Tweet links. Perhaps Obama has just been photographed by the paparazzi on the beach on his summer holidays, sporting a full-back Karl Marx portrait tattoo, with additional Communist Manifesto quote tattoos coiled around his limbs. However the information transpires to be nothing more than the when Obama was at college he allegedly had a sandwich or smoked one of those things he used to smoke, with someone who had left-wing tendencies variety. We are not living in the McCarthy era anymore.

There are others too

LEARN the TRICK discovered by a MOM to TURN YELLOW TEETH WHITE for UNDER $5!!!!! – whiteteethmom/q7

White teeth – It seems the whole world wants them now. If you do too, try going to a dentist or buy toothpaste with whitener from a supermarket, do not go on Twitter and click on one of these links. Not only will your teeth be turned black and your credit card details seized, but you will live to regret the day you were born. Maybe this is a bit of an exaggeration, but not much.

(Courtesy of Siliconangle.com)

SMUT SPAMMERS – Porn is everywhere on the internet or so I am told. Millions of sites are dedicated to pornography and it is only a click away. There are sites dedicated to all tastes, apparently. Not only is this Tweeting practice reviled by many, but there is also a case for arguing that it is unlikely that people would go on Twitter to look for pornographic content. These Tweets vary from the relatively innocent:

Check out Bella’s h*** t*** bellaporn/q6

To claims of remarkable feats such as:

Watch Jemma take 2 c**** in the a** at the same time buttqueen/q9

The links above aren’t real by the way.

Inept English Language Tweeters – I tried to make the name of this type of tormenting Twitter Type begin with the same letter or ideally rhyme, however I failed to achieve this. Considering these Tweeters Tweeting habits perhaps this is appropriate. Most of us have probably come across Tweets like:

#BLI^M $$$ MI$MIZ – GN$Z!!!! SHO%TZ W^^DZ???? C$@KZ!!!!

Admittedly English has digressed from its original form as it has travelled around the world and been embraced by different cultures, but do Tweets of this nature really make much sense to anyone. One hopes not and if they do, the end of the world is surely not far away.

Click here to read part 1.

Tormenting Twitter Types

Jun 21 2013

Anyone who follows my blog will know that I am somewhat obsessed with Twitter and frequently devote posts to the subject. One particular favourite pastime of mine is categorising types of Twitter users. The following post is devoted to three Twitter types, who have tormenting me and no doubt others of late.

Forex Foragers – Forex is a form of exchange for the global decentralised trading of international currencies (according to Wikipedia anyway). Trading takes place everyday, with the exception of weekends. Forex Foragers in their desperation to get us to ‘trade’, ignore the weekend interlude and Tweet incessantly, 24/7 7 days a week, from thousands of accounts. Tweets such as:

Best Forex Robot FOREX INCOME ENGINE BILL POULOS COMPLETE SET BRAMD NEW annoyingforexspammer/q3

And

Best Forex Robot MEGA NEW ‘STRATOSPHERE’ ES SYSTEM FOREX TRADESTATION incessantforexforrager/q3

I don’t even know what these Tweets mean and I don’t want to.

(Courtesy of cloudcoomputing.blogspot.co.uk)

Mundane Messengers – Anyone who uses Twitter regularly will be aware of Mundane Messengers. These are Tweeters whose Tweeting habits consist of Tweeting random, non-inspirational, worthless information throughout the day. The following are two recent examples:

(Don’t you just love it when the kettle boils faster than you thought it would.
sent from Iphone)

And

(Driving along when the lyrics for Elvis’s ‘Can’t Help Falling in Love’ appeared in my mind. Don’t you just love it when that happens.
sent from Iphone)

No I do not.

Admittedly neither of these occurrences have happened to me. But if they ever were to, not only would I not love it, I would not feel the need to Tweet about it.

Asian Accumulators – These are the ‘10,000 Followers for $5’ type spam Twitter accounts us Twitter users are constantly being Followed by. More often than not the john is lured in by an under-age looking South East Asian girl, unscrupulously being pimped out as jail bait. It is a sad indictment of the ageing Western males found kerb crawling throughout South East Asia that this method is considered to be the most effective in getting us to part with our $$.

Having recently had a Twitter conversation with an Asian Accumulator (for research purposes only), I discovered that the Tweets consisted of little more than the predictable ‘Only $5’, ‘me love you long time’, ‘me sucky sucky’, ‘You pay NOW’ variety.

Click here to read an earlier post about Twitter Types.

Social Media Addiction (Part 2)

May 24 2013

Social media has changed the very nature of the world that we are living in. Take the fact that Facebook alone has 1.11 billion users or that 21% of the world’s active internet users are said to access Twitter every month. Not only has social media usage continued to increase exponentially, but it has become more visible, with people accessing the internet by mobile phone having increased 60.3% to 818.4 million over the last 2 years. Everywhere we go we are surrounded by people Tweeting, sending Facebook updates, watching YouTube videos, connecting on Google+, networking on LinkedIn and much more besides.

(Courtesy of www.businessgrow.com)

Last Friday shortly after finishing posting Social Media Addiction (Part 1), I went to the cafe near my house. It was the usual scene, a lengthy queue of people, all fiddling with their mobile devises. There were Blackberrys’, iPhones’, Androids’ and a smattering of Samsung Galaxy S3s’. In front of me a teenaged girl was typing into her mobile. Leaning forward I could see she was sending a Tweet on Twitter. It said,

‘In Starbucks, so many choices :?’

A short while later the barista asked for her order. The girl, still typing on her mobile was oblivious to the question and the barista was forced to repeat the question two more times, before she finally looked up and turned her attentions to the menu board.

Over a minute had passed when I said to her, ‘In your own time.’

She glared at me and then ordered an ‘extra hot cafe latte with soy milk.’

After which she typed another Tweet, which I knew was about me. I knew this because I was peering over her shoulder, but she noticed and said, ‘excuse me,’ in a theatrical tone, shielding the phone from my view, as she continued typing and I was left wondering what the Tweet said, what smiley she used and the choice of hashtag – #somepeople, #rude or #goaway perhaps. Or some other colloquialism that has been trending recently, more than likely instigated by Justin Bieber.

From my table where I sit drinking a cafe mocha with normal milk, I can see the girl taking a photograph of her extra hot cafe latte with soy milk and then she’s on her mobile again, no doubt Tweeting the details before posting the picture on Facebook and Pinterest.

(Courtesy of ejiu111.wordpress.com)

All around me it’s the same story. School children crowded around a table, all typing feverishly into their mobile phones. A mother Tweeting incessantly, her toddler in a high-chair beside her mimicking each gesture, pressing imaginary buttons on the surface in-front of him with chocolate stained fingers.

It is at this moment that I find myself asking if we are all addicted to social media and I continue to contemplate this for quite sometime, whilst sipping my mocha and at the same time viewing my Twitter Feed on my iPhone screen.

Perhaps addiction is merely a matter of consumption vs communication and as communicating is not consuming it is not addiction. At any rate is it not better that people are kept busy fidgeting with their hand-held devices than fiddling with cigarettes, bottles of spirits and syringes. Though there are instances where people appear to have mastered doing both at the same time. A Youtube video (now removed) was an instructional video by a girl living in some remote Montana prairie town on how to Tweet with one hand whilst at the same time with the other preparing and smoking a meth pipe.

Tag - Social Media

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