Humour | Guy Portman's Blog

British Sky Broadcasting

Aug 15 2014

You may remember that last Friday my weekly blog post was about Chinese Internet censorship. When I woke up the following morning I went to check my WordPress blog, only to discover that I could not get into it. The problems did not end there. I was distraught to discover that all WordPress websites were blocked from my computer, this despite the fact that I was able to access other sites on the Internet with no problem. It was obvious what had occurred, the Chinese state’s censors had hacked my blog. By preventing me from accessing WordPress they were silencing my opinions in customary draconian fashion.

It transpired that this assumption couldn’t have been further from the truth. On phoning my provider (Sky) I was informed that it was due to a problem with the server.

Unable to perform my WordPress duties, I turned my attention to other administrative tasks, starting with a still unopened letter from my satellite television provider – Sky. I knew what the letter was going to say before I even opened it. It was another price hike. These seem to arrive every other month these days. The accompanying letter outlined the rationale for the price increase. It promised that there would be yet more American serials. That settled it. I am cancelling.

Companies such as Sky seem to be particularly adept at meeting a want, and then when they have your custom becoming the face of total need. Well not for me, not any more. I only had it for the football anyway.

Television has become like a ladder in recent years. The first rung is the compulsory, overpriced BBC licence fee that you don’t want, after which you proceed to the second rung – the Sky/cable television package, then it is the extra channels, then the 3D package. But you haven’t reached the top yet, and you can’t turn back now, after you’ve climbed all this way. The next rung is pay per view. As television becomes interactive, more rungs are going to be added until the ladder reaches to infinity. I have been climbing this ladder towards heaven, only to find that redemption is merely an illusion. Only now have I realised this.

Fortunately there are books, and if I am desperate my friend’s Netflix account.

Chinese Internet Censorship

Aug 08 2014

Since starting this WordPress.com blog in early 2012, I have welcomed visitors from a multitude of countries, including Azerbaijan, Botswana, Mauritius and Guernsey (Yes Guernsey is a country according to WordPress). I am still waiting for the first intrepid Beninese and Togolese explorers to discover my blog, and to date there have been no visits from North Korea – perhaps not surprising considering the Internet is merely a rumour for much of the country’s population.

There has yet to be a single visitor from the People’s Republic of China (Population: 1.366 billion, 19% of World’s population). This probably has something to do with the fact that WordPress.com is usually blocked in China. Other popular websites that are blocked in China include Twitter, Facebook, Xhamster (pornography website), and even The New York Times. The ban now also extends to beards, at least on public transport in Xinjiang, in the restless far west of the country.

Yesterday I spent some time perusing the Chinese Amazon website. I found a number of controversial books there, including Palahniuk’s anarchist work, Fight Club, and Bret Easton Ellis’s ultra-violent American Psycho. Chinese residents planning to buy a copy of the Dalai Lama’s autobiography will be left disappointed, as will any Chinese Brad Pitt fans hoping to get the DVD of Seven Years In Tibet.

I even found my humorous tale of the unexpected, Charles Middleworth. There was no sign of my latest book, the satirical, black comedy, Necropolis. Perhaps I would be flattering myself if I were to think Necropolis has raised the ire of the Chinese censors, but at any rate any hopes I harboured of Necropolis becoming a 21st Century Little Red Book have had to be put on hold for now.

Last night lying in bed, unable to get to sleep, I took to thinking about what English language search terms I might think twice about entering into a search engine, if I was a Chinese resident. I came up with these:

#OrganHarvesting #FreeTibet #UighurDissident #FalunGong

#FoodScandal #DalaiLama #XinjiangRiots #BearBile

Were you to search for these terms in China, you might well be looking over your shoulder whilst travelling clean-shaven on a public bus, or munching on an expired Big Mac at McDonalds.

Culinary Revelations

Aug 01 2014

Last Wednesday – Pret a Manger. Underneath the adjacent table was a small, inquisitive King Charles Spaniel, attached to a lead. A floral-frocked lady was clasping the end of the lead in one hand whilst nibbling on what appeared to be a Teriyaki salmon salad. She was informing her companion of the perils of gluten, a conversation that I seem to be hearing increasingly regularly these days. However, I was somewhat surprised when she announced that her dog Kuby was now gluten-free.

I couldn’t resist putting this to the test by surreptitiously throwing pieces of bread from my Swedish meatball wrap in Kuby’s direction. Kuby devoured them greedily. A third glutinous threat was mid-air when the lady turning abruptly towards me, demanded to know what I was giving her dog. I wanted to reply that it was merely an organic, gluten-free slice of butternut or an environmentally friendly Edamame Bean, but as there was nothing vaguely resembling anything of that ilk on my table, I was left with no alternative than to merely smile and shrug. I left soon after.

It was a hot, sunny day, so I decided to take a short walk in the local park. There hadn’t been any rain for several days and the place was beginning to resemble the Kalahari. I was sitting on one of the park’s benches when I noticed an animated group of what appeared to be students, on the grass in front of me. Intrigued, I headed over to them. A Mars Ice Cream bar eating contest was taking place. The two competitors were sitting on the grass – one a bulky, sullen looking, male Goth with a nose ring and purple painted nails, the other a very thin T-shirted student type wearing spectacles. Several Goth females and two non-Goth males served as spectators. Cheering commenced as each round of Mars Ice Cream (260 calories each) was devoured. I was informed the loser had to pay for the ice cream, which was going to mean a pretty big bill, as they were already on round eight. From the greenish hue of the Goth it was apparent that he wasn’t going to last much longer. I would have liked to stay for the finale, but I had to go to the bank.

On my way out of the park I considered that this Goth vs. Geek competition could continue with races, relays and obstacle courses. It would probably be more entertaining than the ongoing Commonwealth Games in Glasgow.

All through the meeting at the bank I was thinking about Mars Ice Cream. After leaving the bank I met a friend, who unannounced introduced me to my third culinary surprise of the day, a YouTube video of the annual Cambodian rat harvest, which quelled the desire for any Mars Ice Cream.

The Commonwealth Games

Jul 25 2014

Wednesday Evening – I am idly flicking through the television channels when I stumble across the Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony. If there is a less enthralling sporting event on this planet than the Commonwealth Games, I am yet to hear of it.

However, I found the opening ceremony to be quite entertaining. The display included many things considered synonymous with Scotland, and/or the great city of Glasgow. These included inflatable Loch Ness Monsters, giant Tunnocks Tea Cakes, a huge haggis, golf clubs, Scottish terriers leading out the forty-one participating national teams, and even an Irn-Bru Forth Bridge. Anyone hoping to catch a glimpse of a gargantuan fried Mars Bar, people drinking alcohol out of brown paper bags, or an enormous syringe were no doubt left disappointed. The mascot for the 20th edition of the Games is Clyde (see below – he is named after a thistle that grows on the bank of the Clyde river).

Rod Stewart sang, as did that woman from X-Factor I was hoping I’d seen the last of. We got to see the head of The Commonwealth, the Queen, and a glimpse of the star attraction, Usain Bolt, one of the few global athletic stars that isn’t either ineligible for the Games, or hasn’t succeeded in getting a sick note from their doctor in time.

Controversy was provided in the form of Dr Who actor John Barrowman kissing a man, before dragging him to the altar for a mock wedding. This new version of the Glasgow kiss was presumably not appreciated in the forty-two of the fifty-three Commonwealth countries where homosexuality is illegal. No doubt John Barrowman, who recently wed his male partner, isn’t planning to honeymoon in Nigeria or Uganda, where an anti-homosexuality act was passed earlier this year. Whether Barrowman’s actions are viewed as a defiant stance against homophobia, or symbolic of a prurient nation, is a matter of individual opinion. Quite what the Queen made of it all we can only guess.

That’s it for today. I’ve got to rush off or I’m going to miss The Solomon Islands efforts in the Lawn Bowl.

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British Sky Broadcasting

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Culinary Revelations

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The Commonwealth Games

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