strange book titles | Guy Portman's Blog

Bizarre Books VI

Dec 09 2016

This week sees the sixth and final instalment of my bizarre books series. As with previous instalments I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

And now for the 10 bizarre books:

Dancing with Cats

dancing-with-cats

A sure way to attract the attention of the men in white coats.

Hog Manure Management

hog-manure

If you like hogs and manure this is the book for you. If not you might want to consider a different title.

What About Christian Rock?

christian-rock

What about it? No, do not press play.

25 Placenta Recipes

placenta-recipes
Finally! I have been growing so tired of plain boiled placentas.

People Who Don’t Know They’re Dead

dead

Otherwise known as ghosts.

Cards As Weapons

cards-as-weapons

Using cards as throwing stars can be very useful when you are poised to lose money on a card game.

Semenology: The Semen Bartender’s Handbook

semenology

Let this book be a warning to all those who treat bartenders badly.

Mommy, Why is There a Server in the House? server

Mommy: ‘Since daddy left I have been feeling very lonely, and…’

Is It a Sin to Eat a Chocolate Bar?

chocolate-bar
No, not if it is an organic, gluten-free, fair trade, sustainable farming WholeFoods chocolate bar.

Round Ireland with a fridge

round-ireland

Author: ‘If I knew it was going to be this difficult, I would have brought a suitcase instead.’

Bizarre Books V

Nov 25 2016

Here are 10 more bizarre books. As with previous instalments, I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

It’s Not Going To Get Any Better When You Grow Up

grow-up

Truer words were never spoken.

Mommy, Why is There a Server in the House? server

Mommy: ‘Since daddy left I have been feeling very lonely, and…’

Reusing Old Graves

reusing-graves

Step One: Turf out the occupier…

Mommy, Is It A Sin To Be Fat?

fat

Kid: ‘Mommy, is it a sin to be fat?’

Mommy: ‘It depends how fat.’

Outwitting Squirrels

squirrels

Strategy One: Cover your bird feeder’s pole with glue.

How to Talk to Your Cat About Evolution

cat-evolution

Talking to your cat about evolution is no different from talking to some Americans in the Midwest about evolution, i.e. futile.

Natural Harvest: A collection of semen-based recipes

semen

That caramel pudding on the front cover is enough to put one off semen-based recipes for life.

How to Hold a Crocodile

crocodile

First clasp the crocodile firmly with both hands. No, not by the jaws! … Snap … OW! HELP!

Castration Celebration

castration-celebration

Wow, yeah! Castration celebrations are the best fun ever, but the blood loss is quite off-putting. And I am starting to feel rather faint.

Why Cats Paint

cats-paint

Why cats paint? Boredom mostly. Playing with balls of string and toying with mice can only keep them entertained so long.

I previously stated that part 3 was to be the final instalment in my bizarre books series. I have since changed my mind. Here is part 4. There may well be further additions in the not too distant future. As with the previous instalments, I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

Jogging With Jesus

jogging

There is a peculiar man on the front cover, but no sign of Jesus.

Microwave Cooking for One

microwave

Read the instructions on the back of the packet, place food item in microwave, set time and press start. When microwave makes a beeping noise remove food.

Be Bold With Bananas

banana

If the vile looking concoction on the front cover is anything to go by, it is probably best not to be bold with bananas, and to stick to the tried and trusted peeling followed by eating method.

Circumcisions By Appointment

circumcisions