Satire | Guy Portman's Blog

10 Very Bizarre Books

May 05 2017

Earlier this week I was perusing the internet in search of yet more bizarre books. I found some. This week sees the seventh instalment in my bizarre books series. Here are 10 bizarre books. I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

5 Very Good Reasons To Punch A Dolphin In The Mouth

Reason 1: Dolphins make annoying squeaking noises.

Beat Your Way to the Top: Masturbation as a technique for business success

CEO: ‘Jesus Christ put it away! What the %$@* do you think you’re doing?’

Junior Employee: ‘Just beating my way to the top.’

Jesus Spells Freedom

Jesus spells Freedom? — Well maybe, but that front cover certainly doesn’t.

How To Make Your Own Dolls For Pleasure And Profit

The highly unimaginative front cover makes me suspicious as to Schauffler’s doll making abilities, be they for pleasure or profit.

CB for Christians

There are books written millennia ago that have dated better than this.

The Ladybird Book of Child Labour

Yes, back in the days when this book was published white kids did child labour too. I believe this is a fictitious title.

Make Your Own Sex Toys

Could they not have come up with a more amorous front cover.

How To Preserve Animal and Other Specimens in Clear Plastic

If you are looking for a 50-something year old book about keeping dead things in plastic then look no further.

Walmart Atlas

What with a new Walmart springing up every five seconds, presumably Walmart Atlases date pretty quickly.

Big & Little Crochets

What ludicrous garments.

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A Black Comedy of True Distinction

6 American Satirical Novels

Apr 28 2017

This week’s post is dedicated to 6 satirical novels by 6 American authors. They are presented in the order in which they were published. Click on the links to read my reviews.

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain (1884)

Huckleberry Finn

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is a satire of American southern antebellum society that parodies religion, morality, literature and above all the practice of slavery.

My Review: 13-year-old Huckleberry Finn is living in Missouri with a widow who plans to ‘sivilize’ him. That is until his alcoholic father relocates him to an isolated cabin in the woods. Huck fakes his own death and escapes…(more)

Subjects Satirised: Slavery & numerous others

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller (1961)

Based on Heller’s own experiences as a bombardier in WWII, this best-selling, satirical, anti-war novel, took its American author eight years to write.

My Review: Set on the Mediterranean island of Pianosa during WWII, Catch-22 is about the exploits of the fictitious 256th Squadron. We follow protagonist Yossarian and his comrades’ farcical attempts…(more)

Subject Satirised: War

Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut (1969)

Slaughterhouse-Five’s anti-war rhetoric has resulted in it being banned from numerous US schools and libraries. This satirical story is about a survivor of the notorious firebombing of Dresden.

My Review: Narrated in a non-linear order, the story follows protagonist Billy Pilgrim’s journey through life. A married optometrist with two children, Billy is a veteran of World War II, and a survivor of the notorious…(more)

Subject Satirised: War

Glamorama by Bret Easton Ellis (1998)

Glamorama adeptly captures the hedonism of 1990s New York. In typical Ellis fashion the text is punctuated with numerous pop-culture references, sporadic descriptions of violence and graphic sexual encounters.

My Review: Victor Ward aka Victor Johnson is a male model living in 1990s Manhattan. Victor is a vapid, soulless character, obsessed with celebrity culture, who lives an existence that revolves around social connections and…(more)

Subject Satirised: 1990s

Choke by Chuck Palahniuk (2001)

This nihilistic novel is about our innate craving for attention and the fundamental nature of addiction. Its protagonist has a penchant for purposely choking on food at expensive restaurants.

My Review: The protagonist, Victor Mancini, is a sex addict employed at an eighteenth-century historical re-enactment park. Victor attends various sexual addiction support groups, where he meets many…(more)

Subjects Satirised: Addiction treatments & contemporary society

I Am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe (2004)

I Am Charlotte Simmons is a humorous satire about campus life. Themes include materialism, social class, race and America’s obsession with college sport.

My Review: Appalachian wunderkind Charlotte Simmons has been awarded a scholarship to Dupont, an elite fictional university, steeped in tradition. Living amongst the cream of America’s youth is…(more)

Subjects Satirised: Campus life & numerous others

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10 Farcical Religious Books

Apr 21 2017

This week sees the third and most likely final instalment in my bizarre religious books series. Here are 10 religious-themed books. I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

Behold Now Behemoth: Dinosaurs All Over the Bible!

I can only assume the author is confusing The Bible with Jurassic Park.

A Potato That Wasn’t A Christian

So what if a potato wasn’t a Christian. Potatoes are tasty regardless of their religion, unless they are Sikh. There are few things less appetising than a roasted turban.

Born-Again Virgin

To be a born-again virgin follow these simple steps.

Step one: Get a needle and thread.

Liar, Liar, Mullet On Fire: Extinguishing Lies We Believe with God’s Truth

No prizes for guessing who the target readership of this book is.

If God Loves Me Why Can’t I Get My Locker Open

Because you forgot the key.

The Homosexual god and The Children of Satan

There is one sure way to make your book invisible on online book retailers. Make the cover completely black.

It’s a sin to be fat

Is it still a sin if the fatness is not a result of gluttony or sloth, but an under-active thyroid? I guess I will have to read the book to find out.

Great Dinosaur Mystery and the Bible

Not those pesky dinosaurs again.

When Catholics Die: Eternal Life or Eternal Damnation?

Eternal life unless they write books with tasteless, purple front covers.

BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and Also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!!

Amen!

10 Absurd Religious Books

Mar 31 2017

This week sees the second instalment in my Ludicrous Religious Books series. Here are 10 more ludicrous religious-themed books. I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

Dancing with Jesus

Do you ever feel embarrassed by something, even though you are not responsible for it in any way, shape or form.

A Holistic Approach to Exorcism

Finally, I was getting so tired of specialised approaches to exorcism.

Does GOD Ever Speak through CATS?

Cat: ‘Meow! Meow! Purr, purr…’

Person: ‘That’s God speaking. Sssh, let me listen.’

Cat: ‘Hiss! Meow! meow … Hiss! hiss! MEOW!’

Person: ‘YES! I was right all along — God just said polygamy is virtuous.’

The Beginner’s Guide to Sex in the Afterlife

Sex in the Afterlife — that is just way a fancy way of saying necrophilia.

Helping The Retarded To Know God

And the winner of the most offensive book title is…

The Tabloid Bible

Penned by religious humorist Nick Page, The Tabloid Bible parodies the sensationalist nature of tabloid newspapers.

What Really Happened to the Dinosaurs?

This creationist title teaches children that dinosaurs were roaming The Earth with the rest of us pre-flood. Note evolutionary-defier Tracker John riding on his pet dinosaur DJ.

God’s Masturbation Solution

Penned by M. L. Brown — Reverend and masturbation connoisseur.

Bobbed Hair, Bossy Wives, and Women Preachers

Dr John R. Rice’s fire and brimstone sermon is directed at bossy wives, women preachers and women with bobbed hair.

21 Reasons Why Christians Should Speak in Tongues

Reason 1: If you are a Christian aspiring to be admitted to a mental health facility, then tongues…

Reason 2: Having an additional language on your CV is no bad thing.

There will be a final instalment in a few weeks time.

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A Black Comedy of True Distinction

10 Ludicrous Religious Books

Mar 24 2017

Check out these 10 ludicrous religious-themed books. I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

Thinking Biblically About The iPod

If there is a more obscure book title out there, I am yet to come across it.

Help Lord – The Devil Wants Me Fat

Why would The Devil want you fat? He is not a fat fetishist.

What About Christian Rock?

What about it … No, don’t press play …. AHHHHH

The Joy of Fearing God

Living in fear is not joyful.

The Missionary Position: Mother Teresa in Theory and Practice

Winner of the most unfortunate title in the religious category.

Jesus Was An Episcopalian

You mean I have spent countless hours, on my knees, praying to an Episcopalian … I think I am going to be ill.

Jogging with Jesus

That is not Jesus on the front cover. He wouldn’t be caught dead wearing that tracksuit.

Resurrection Aerobics The Christian Based Sex Aerobics

Proud winner of the most confounding book title award.

The Lord’s Corn Patch

If that is The Lord’s corn patch, he is not going to be happy to find that overweight, shabbily-attired, crazy woman.

The Bible is a scientific book

No it is not.

There will be further instalments.

8 Morbid Books

Mar 17 2017

I am a dark humour author who has a healthy interest in the morbid/macabre. This week’s post is dedicated to 8 morbid books. I have added pithy comments/fictitious commentary below each.

Necromance: Intimate Portrayals of Death

Proud winner of worst book cover in the morbid category.

Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers

The cover is a bit like the health warning images on cigarette packets. It leaves no illusion as to the extreme morbidity of the book’s contents.

Fancy Coffins to Make Yourself

‘What’s that leaning against your living room wall?’

‘It’s a fancy DIY coffin.’

‘Who is it for?’

‘Me.’

‘But you’re not dead.’

‘That’s the thing with DIY coffins, you can’t assemble them post-mortem.’

Working Stiff

Two Years, 262 Bodies — that is a lot of bodies for one medical examiner. But the upside is it is probably considerably less than the living people they would have had to deal with in the same time period in a normal job.

Reusing Old Graves

Dig ’em up, turf ’em out, insert new occupant…

Mortician Diaries

Tuesday: Three Weetabix and a cup of tea for breakfast. It took like so long to get to work this morning, the traffic was so slow, I thought I would never get there. Boss was waiting. Normally she like taps her watch and makes a facetious comment about my timekeeping, but today she just smiled, and I was like what is going on here? Then she led me through to the morgue. I smelt it before I saw it — it was found in a bath, been in there for days, bloated with those blue veins. It so grossed me out!

Do-It-Yourself Funerals And Cremations For Newbies

Burying yourself whilst reading your own eulogy, now that’s impressive. But before you get too excited, this is a fictitious title.

Do it Yourself Caskets and Coffins

Yet another DIY coffin title. Erotica better watch out, there’s a new genre in town.

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A Black Comedy of True Distinction

6 Recent and Contemporary Satirical Novels

Feb 24 2017

Click on the links to read my reviews.

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller (1961)

Based on Heller’s own experiences as a bombardier in WWII, this best-selling, satirical anti-war novel took its American author eight years to write.

Subject Satirised: War

Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut (1969)

Slaughterhouse-Five’s anti-war rhetoric has resulted in it being banned from numerous US schools and libraries. This satirical story is about a survivor of the notorious firebombing of Dresden.

Subject Satirised: War

High-Rise by J. G. Ballard (1975)

High-Rise

High-Rise is a tale about how the social order can fragment. Tense, bleak and satirical, it explores the connection between technology and the human condition.

My Review: Set in an apartment tower block in London, High-Rise is a dystopian tale about the intense animosity that develops between the building’s various floors. The story centres around three characters…(more)

Subjects Satirised: Contemporary society & high-rise housing

American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis (1991)

American Psycho is a satire of the yuppies culture of the 1980s that caused outrage when it was published due to its explicit violent and sexual content. It went on to become a cult classic.

My Review: American Psycho is a highly controversial novel that brought its young author Bret Easton Ellis instant fame. The book is written from the perspective of a young Wall Street financier, Patrick Bateman…(more)

Subject Satirised: 1980s yuppies culture

Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk (1999)

The book’s premise, the superficial vanity of the beauty industry, is used both to explore the unattractive side of human nature and, in customary Palahniuk fashion, to satirise society.

My Review: Shannon McFarland is a catwalk model, who is the centre of attention wherever she goes. That is until she ‘accidentally’ blasts her jaw shot off with a gun whilst driving down the highway. Shannon is left…(more)

Subjects Satirised: Human nature & the beauty industry

Rant by Chuck Palahniuk (2007)

Rant

Rant challenges our own traditions by demonstrating how we contort our recollection of events in accordance with our desires, motives and beliefs. There are obvious parallels with the gospels.

My Review: Rant is the oral history of Buster ‘Rant’ Casey, recounted by an array of people including his relations, friends, enemies and lovers. Rant’s childhood companions from the small rural town where…(more)

Subjects Satirised: Human nature, society & oral history

6 Historical Satires

Feb 17 2017

This post is dedicated to six of history’s most famous literary satires. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Gulliver’s Travels by Jonathan Swift (1726)

gullivers-travels

Gulliver’s Travels is a humorous and vulgar satirical work that mocks politics, non-conformist churches, science, the social order and the accepted role of the family.

My Review: Intrepid English adventurer Lemuel Gulliver’s fictional memoirs are divided into four parts. In the first our shipwrecked protagonist is washed ashore in the land of Lilliput, a place populated by people so…(more)

Subjects Satirised: Pretty much everything

Candide by Voltaire (1759)

Candide

Candide is an eighteenth-century satirical classic that evaluates optimism; the prevailing philosophical ideology of The Enlightenment. Voltaire sought to dispel the belief that all is for the best when it is not.

My Review: Brought up in the household of a German baron, cheerful protagonist Candide has been instilled with the philosophy of Leibniz, notably – That all is for the best in this, the best of all possible worlds…(more)

Subjects Satirised: The Church & The Enlightenment

Dead Souls by Nikolai Gogol (1842)

Dead Souls is an uncompleted, satirical novel that parodies Imperial Russia and provincial Russian life. Targets for ridicule include the gentry and rural officials.

My Review: Pavel Ivanovich Chichikov is travelling around provincial Russia, visiting landowners. His purpose is to purchase papers relating to their serfs who have died since the last census. By doing so Chichikov relieves…(more)

Subjects Satirised: Provincial Russian life & more besides

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain (1884)

Huckleberry Finn

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is a satire of American southern antebellum society that parodies religion, morality, literature and above all the practice of slavery.

Subjects Satirised: Slavery & numerous others

Brave New World by Aldous Huxley (1932)

Brave New World

This dystopian work utilises erudite social commentary and subtle satire to explore mankind’s inherent nature. Huxley’s portentous vision has proven to be prescient.

My Review: Brave New World is set in a society where everything is controlled. The parentless, manufactured, free-loving population are dependent on a state-endorsed hallucinogenic, happiness drug called Soma…(more)

Subjects Satirised: Society, technology & totalitarianism

Cold Comfort Farm by Stella Gibbons (1932)

Light-hearted and wryly humorous, this satirical work lampoons the romanticised, often doom-laden ‘loam and lovechild’ novels of the 19th and early 20th century.

My Review: Although harbouring concerns about countryside living, recently orphaned, 19-year-old Flora Poste decides to go and live with relatives in rural Sussex. Her destination, the ramshackle and backward Cold…(more)

Subject Satirised: Loam and lovechild novels

Bizarre Books VI

Dec 09 2016

This week sees the sixth and final instalment of my bizarre books series. As with previous instalments I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

And now for the 10 bizarre books:

Dancing with Cats

dancing-with-cats

A sure way to attract the attention of the men in white coats.

Hog Manure Management

hog-manure

If you like hogs and manure this is the book for you. If not you might want to consider a different title.

What About Christian Rock?

christian-rock

What about it? No, do not press play.

25 Placenta Recipes

placenta-recipes
Finally! I have been growing so tired of plain boiled placentas.

People Who Don’t Know They’re Dead

dead

Otherwise known as ghosts.

Cards As Weapons

cards-as-weapons

Using cards as throwing stars can be very useful when you are poised to lose money on a card game.

Semenology: The Semen Bartender’s Handbook

semenology

Let this book be a warning to all those who treat bartenders badly.

Mommy, Why is There a Server in the House? server

Mommy: ‘Since daddy left I have been feeling very lonely, and…’

Is It a Sin to Eat a Chocolate Bar?

chocolate-bar
No, not if it is an organic, gluten-free, fair trade, sustainable farming WholeFoods chocolate bar.

Round Ireland with a fridge

round-ireland

Author: ‘If I knew it was going to be this difficult, I would have brought a suitcase instead.’

My 5 Favourite Satires

Dec 02 2016

As followers of this blog know I am an avid fan of satire. This post is dedicated to my 5 favourites to date. Some of these books also fit into other genres.

Satire definition: the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly…

Here are 5 satirical novels. They are presented in the order in which they were published:

Candide by Voltaire (1759)

Candide

Candide is an eighteenth-century satirical classic that derides optimism, the prevailing philosophical ideology during The Enlightenment. Voltaire adroitly sought to dispel the belief that all is for the best when it is not.

Brave New World by Aldous Huxley (1932)

Brave New World

Brave New World utilises erudite social commentary to explore mankind’s inherent nature. Huxley’s portentous vision has proven to be prescient in its prediction of a science-controlled, consumer culture.

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury (1953)

Fahrenheit 451

There is much to ponder in this satirical book whose motif is a warning about the threat posed by state censorship. Bradbury’s seminal work predicts our increasing obsession with mass media.

My Review: Books are banned in this dystopian world, where firemen are employed to burn them. Guy Montag is a fireman, who lives an unfulfilling existence with Mildred, his sedentary, parlour-consuming wife: parlours being an…(more)

American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis (1991)

American Psycho is a satire of the yuppies culture of the 1980s that caused outrage when it was published due to its explicit violent and sexual content. It went on to become a cult classic.

Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk (1996)

Chuck Palahniuk’s seminal work is a multifaceted satire that parodies the notion of masculinity, consumer culture, films, television, self-help philosophies, men’s movements and more besides.

My Review: The protagonist, who remains nameless, is an insomniac leading a bland corporate existence, investigating accidents for a car company, whose only concern is profit. Unable to find meaning in a faceless consumerist…(more)

Category - Satire

10 Very Bizarre Books

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6 American Satirical Novels

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10 Farcical Religious Books

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10 Absurd Religious Books

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10 Ludicrous Religious Books

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8 Morbid Books

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6 Recent and Contemporary Satirical Novels

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6 Historical Satires

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Bizarre Books VI

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My 5 Favourite Satires

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Category - Satire

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