Tag - bizarre books

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Bizarre Books V
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Bizarre Books IV
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Bizarre Books III
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Bizarre Books II
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13 Bizarre Books
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Bizarre Book Trivia

Bizarre Books V

Nov 25 2016
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Here are 10 more bizarre books. As with previous instalments, I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

 

It’s Not Going To Get Any Better When You Grow Up

grow-up

Truer words were never spoken.

 

Mommy, Why is There a Server in the House?server

Mommy: ‘Since daddy left I have been feeling very lonely, and…’

 Reusing Old Graves

reusing-graves

Step One: Turf out the occupier…

 

Mommy, Is It A Sin To Be Fat?

fat

Kid:  ‘Mommy, is it a sin to be fat?’

Mommy: ‘It depends how fat.’

 

Outwitting Squirrels

squirrels

Strategy One: Cover your bird feeder’s pole with glue.

 

How to Talk to Your Cat About Evolution

cat-evolution

Talking to your cat about evolution is no different from talking to some Americans in the Midwest about evolution, i.e. futile.

 

Natural Harvest: A collection of semen-based recipes

semen

That caramel pudding on the front cover is enough to put one off semen-based recipes for life.

 

How to Hold a Crocodile

crocodile

First clasp the crocodile firmly with both hands. No, not by the jaws! … Snap … OW! HELP!

 

Castration Celebration

castration-celebration

Wow, yeah! Castration celebrations are the best fun ever, but the blood loss is quite off-putting. And I am starting to feel rather faint.

 

Why Cats Paint

cats-paint

Why cats paint? Boredom mostly. Playing with balls of string and toying with mice can only keep them entertained so long.

Bizarre Books IV

Nov 11 2016
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I previously stated that part 3 was to be the final instalment in my bizarre books series. I have since changed my mind. Here is part 4. There may well be further additions in the not too distant future. As with the previous instalments, I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

 

Jogging With Jesus

jogging

There is a peculiar man on the front cover, but no sign of Jesus.

 

Microwave Cooking for One

microwave

Read the instructions on the back of the packet, place food item in microwave, set time and press start. When microwave makes a beeping noise remove food.

 

Be Bold With Bananas

banana

If the vile looking concoction on the front cover is anything to go by, it is probably best not to be bold with bananas, and to stick to the tried and trusted peeling followed by eating method.

 

Circumcisions By Appointment

circumcisions

Client: I want to book a circumcision for next Tuesday at 2:30.

Receptionist: Sorry, no can do. How about 3?

 

Images You Should Not Masturbate To

masturbate

If the image on the front cover is anything to go by…

 

Twelve Reasons you should Speak in Tongues

tongues

Reason One: Speaking in tongues is perfect for when you want to appear insane.

Reason Two: Um … let me think … wait … err…

 

Born-Again Virgin

virgin

To be a born-again virgin follow these simple steps.

Step one: Get a needle and thread.

 

A Lust For Window Sills

windowsills

Be wary of splinters.

 

Help! A Bear is Eating Me 

bear

If the bear is already eating you then is too late. You should have asked for help earlier.

 

How To Talk To Your Cat About Gun Safety

gun-safety-cat

Owner: Yes Tiddles, approach the gun like that.

Tiddles: Meow, meow, purr.

Owner: That is the safety switch. Do not turn it off. No!

Tiddles: Meow, hiss!

Owner: Not the trigger. NOOO!

Bang!

 

 

Bizarre Books III

Sep 30 2016
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This is the final instalment of my Bizarre Books Series. As with Parts 1 & 2, I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

The New Radiation Recipe Book

radiation

For residents of Chernobyl and Fukushima.

 

Strangers Have The Best Candy

strangers

They do? So why did my mother always tell me not to talk to them?

 

The Book of Marmalade

marmalade

For those of us who spreading it on our toast is not enough.

 

I Can Has Cheezburger?

cheezburger

A Pulitzer Prize for Fiction winner this is not.

 

Do It Yourself Coffins for Pets and People

coffin

‘What’s that leaning against the wall?’

‘My DIY coffin.’

‘But you don’t need a DIY coffin, you’re not dead.’

‘Better to get it done early. DIY coffins are pretty tricky to assemble post-mortem.’

 

Managing a Dental Practice: The Genghis Khan Way 

dental

If the client complains behead them. Then impale the head on a pike. Don’t forget to polish their teeth first.

 

Everything I Know about Women I Learned from My Tractor

tractor

Presumably not a lot then.

 

The Do It Yourself Lobotomy

lobotomy

Step One: Take the saw, hold it to the top of your head, and away you go — SsSsSsSsSs.

 

The Joy of Uncircumcising!

uncircumcising

Joy? — Needle, thread, skin. Really?

 

How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack

gnome

You mean to tell me that gnomes are not only the height of bad taste, they also attack.

 

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Necropolis

Click here to read Bizarre Books Part II.

 

Bizarre Books II

Aug 26 2016
Browse archives for August 26, 2016
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Here is Part II of my Bizarre Books Series. As with Part 1 I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

 

If God Loves Me Why Can’t I Get My Locker Open

God Locker

Because you forgot the key.

 

How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found

Dissapear

Would you trust the author to make you disappear when he can’t spell disappear?

 

How to Abandon Ship

Abandon Ship

Brimming with helpful tips from Argentine sailors.

 

Is God In Your Bedroom?

God Bedroom

Well he’s not behind the door or in the wardrobe.

 

Extreme Ironing

Extreme Ironing

I don’t know about you, but I need to learn how to iron a shirt with the creases in the right places before attempting any extreme ironing.

 

Hitler: Neither Vegetarian Nor Animal Lover

Hitler

When in his countryside residence, Berghof, Hitler would march around the grounds munching on schnitzels whilst ranting at any livestock he came across with non Aryan characteristics. ‘Unter tier. Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei verboten unter tier…’

 

How To Sharpen Pencils

Pencils

Insert pencil into sharpener and rotate. Repeat until pencil is sharp.

 

The Missionary Position: Mother Teresa in Theory and Practice

Mother Theresa

Publishing Company CEO: ‘Are you the jackass who agreed to publish this book?’

Employee: ‘Err yes … I’m sorry, I didn’t notice that the title could be deemed offensive to some.’

Publishing Company CEO: ‘The Vatican has declared us to be heretics. You’re finished here. Clear your desk!’

 

We Never Went To The Moon

Moon

Author: ‘Do you believe NASA of the USA ever set foot on the moon in and after 1969 or do you doubt it?’

‘I can honestly say I’ve never given it any thought. On another subject did you use WordArt to design your front cover? … You did didn’t you.’

 

Collectible Spoons of the 3rd Reich

Spoons Reich

Not interested. I only collect 3rd Reich forks.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

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Necropolis

13 Bizarre Books

Jun 17 2016
Browse archives for June 17, 2016
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I always knew there were some bizarre books out there, but I was not aware quite how bizarre until researching this post. Here are 13 books that I consider to be bizarre. I have added pithy comments/fictitious dialogue below each.

 

Gadsby: A Lipogram Novel

Gadsby2

This 50,000+ word lipogram novel claims not to use the letter e.

How many e’s can you spot on the front cover?

 

Highlights in the History of Concrete

Concrete

If you’re going to go to the trouble of writing a book about the history of concrete, you might as well tell the whole story.

 

Sexual Analysis of Dickens’ Props 

Dickens Props

I always knew that chair in Oliver Twist had sexual connotations, but no one would listen.

 

The Big Book Of Lesbian Horse Stories

Lesbian Horse

One Amazon reviewer claims that The Big Book Of Lesbian Horse Stories is merely a normal sized book of lesbian horse stories.

 

Latawnya, the Naughty Horse, Learns to Say “No” to Drugs

Horse

This is how I imagine Latawnya the Naughty Horse learns how to say ‘No’ to drugs.

Someone walks into Latawnya’s stable holding some drugs.

Person: ‘Hi Latawnya you naughty horse, would you like some drugs?’

Latawnya: ‘Neighhhh.’

‘Let’s try that again shall we. Would you like some drugs?’

‘Neighhhh.’

‘Would you like some drugs?’

‘Neighhhno.’

Latawyna has learnt to say no to drugs. Have you?

 

Castration: The Advantages and the Disadvantages 

Castration

You mean to say there are disadvantages.

 

How to Speak Cat: The Essential Primer of Cat Language

Speak Cat

Purr whilst rubbing against someone if you want something, arch your back and hiss if you are angry, meow for everything else.

 

Anybody Can Be Cool– But Awesome Takes Practice

Cool

Oh, awesome takes practice! That explains why I’ve been stuck on cool for so long.

 

How to Avoid Huge Ships 

Ships

Don’t go on cruises or swim in harbours.

 

Why Not Eat Insects? 

Insects

Why not indeed!

 

How Green Were the Nazis?: Nature, Environment, and Nation in the Third Reich

Green Nazis

The Nazis may have killed millions of people, but when it came to recycling…

 

Dating for Under a Dollar: 301 Ideas

Dollar Dating

Go to McDonald’s with your date and order a grilled onion cheddar burger from the dollar menu, then pull out 99c and plead until they let you off the 1c. Now cut the burger in 2 and give her/him half, but with all the onions.

Date: ‘All the onions? That’s so kind. Are you sure?’

You: ‘Yes I’m sure. Now eat them before I change my mind.’

 

Does GOD Ever Speak through CATS?

God Cats

Cat: ‘Meow! Meow! Purr, purr, meow, hiss! MEOW! MEOW!’

Person: ‘Are you sure God? We already have 10 Commandments, do we really need an 11th?’

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

 

 

 

 

Bizarre Book Trivia

May 13 2016
Browse archives for May 13, 2016
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Yesterday whilst whiling away some time on the internet I discovered some bizarre book trivia, which I thought might make a good foundation for a blog post. Here goes:

Most Bizarre Book Ever: BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and Also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!! by ELIYZABETH YANNE STRONG-ANDERSON.

WorstBook

I was planning to read it, but considered the price (£20.95) prohibitive. The reason for me choosing it (the title is too long to repeat) is because of Michael N. Marcus’s review in his book Stinkers:

  • Every letter in book capitalised
  • Ridden with grammatical errors
  • Ludicrous subject matter
  • Excessive price tag
  • Neurotic nature of its author

Most Offensive Book Title Ever: Helping The Retarded To Know God by H. R. Hahn & W. H. Raasch.

Retarded

I imagine this book wasn’t welcomed with open arms even when it was published back in 1969. As for the question How does one help the retarded to know God? As no one to the best of my knowledge has ever known God, I can only assume it’s a challenge.

Book genres: Have you noticed how many genres and sub genres are around these days. Take Punk literature (related to punk subculture). There are 13 sub genres, in addition a host of tenuous ones. Punk’s official sub genres are: Cyberpunk, Steampunk, Dieselpunk, Biopunk, Bugpunk, Transistorpunk, Nanopunk, Decopunk, Atompunk, Teslapunk, Clockpunk, Splatterpunk & Mythpunk…

Here is an imaginary conversation:

Do you enjoy reading?
Yeah.
Me too. Which genres do you like?
Primarily Dieselpunk and Biopunk with a smattering of Transistorpunk.

According to wiki the Romance genre has 36 sub genres. Every man/woman to his/her tastes, but for me reading with 1 hand whilst holding a sick bucket with the other isn’t much fun.

heart

A person who reads 50 Shades of Grey has no advantage over one who can’t read. — Guy Portman

The infestation of erotica/erotic romance titles means that it is extremely difficult for authors to come up with novel ideas, but I have one — Romeo & Juliet, the Asphyxiation Erotica version.

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: Ghuahh! Ghuahh!
Juliet: O’ there art thou with a plastic bag thrust over thy head.

Fans of zoophilia-themed, BBW, paranormal shapeshifter romances might be interested in Hedging His Bets by Celia Kyle & Mina Carter. It is touted as the book that makes hedgehogs sexy.

Hedge

Bad-boy Blake Carlisle is a big, badass biker with a secret — he’s a werehedgehog. It is obvious that Blake and Honey are meant to be together — because he loves rubenesque beauties and she loves hedgehogs .

Here’s an extract:  Plopping down on the floor, she opened the cage and lifted each of them out. She rolled around on the ground making yipping noises, mimicking them to the best of her ability, and just playing with the cute little things. … Who needed a man when she had hedgies?

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