Humour | Guy Portman's Blog

6 Humorous Novels

May 19 2017

This week’s post is dedicated to 6 humorous novels. Click on the links to read my reviews.

Cold Comfort Farm by Stella Gibbons (1932)

Light-hearted and wryly humorous, this satirical work lampoons the romanticised, often doom-laden ‘loam and lovechild’ novels of the 19th and early 20th century.

My Review: Although harbouring concerns about countryside living, recently orphaned, 19-year-old Flora Poste decides to go and live with relatives in rural Sussex. Her destination, the…(more)

My Opinion: Witty but repetitive

Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson (1971)

Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas is a humorous, ludicrous and on occasion repellent social commentary about the demise of the psychedelic, free loving dream of the sixties.

My Review: Hunter S. Thompson’s alter ego, journalist Raoul Duke, and his gargantuan Samoan attorney, Dr Gonzo, are on a drug-fuelled road trip through the desert, destination Las Vegas…(more)

My Opinion: Humorous, ludicrous & relentless

A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole (1980)

This iconic humour book, the 1981 Pulitzer Prize for Fiction winner, is less concerned with plot than focusing on absurd situations, designed to elicit a humorous response.

My Review: Obese, green-hunting-cap-wearing, 30-year-old virgin Ignatius J. Reilly still resides with his mother. With his idiosyncrasies, pompous old-fashioned views and deep-lying suspicion…(more)

My Opinion: Overrated and onerous

I Am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe (2004)

I Am Charlotte Simmons is a humorous satire about campus life. Themes include materialism, social class, race and America’s obsession with college sport.

My Review: Appalachian wunderkind Charlotte Simmons has been awarded a scholarship to Dupont, an elite fictional university, steeped in tradition. Living amongst the cream of America’s youth is…(more)

My Opinion: Hilarious but turgid

The Squirrel that Dreamt of Madness by Craig Stone (2011)

The Squirrel that Dreamt of Madness is a bizarre and humorous novel about the author’s time spent living homeless in a park. Craig has to deal with a multitude of issues that are alien to us home dwellers.

My Review: The author Craig Stone is becoming increasingly disillusioned with the predictability and banality of his everyday existence. Deciding that it is better to live dreaming than to…(more)

My Opinion: Bizarre and humorous

Damned by Chuck Palahniuk (2011)

Damned is a a light-hearted satire of hell, punctuated with comical details, pop-culture references and Theological irony. There are obvious comparisons with Dante’s Inferno.

My Review: The protagonist is thirteen-year-old Madison, the daughter of wealthy alternative parents. The privileged Madison studies at an exclusive Swiss boarding school and spends her holidays alternating…(more)

My Opinion: Quite amusing

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Bizarre Books VIII

May 12 2017

I have yet more bizarre books for you. Every time I think I have exhausted the topic, I discover yet more bizarre books. This is the eighth instalment in the series. Here are 10 bizarre books:

The Goldflower Book of Business Greetings

Ever wondered why you always fail interviews? Next time you have an interview, try introducing yourself with the above handshake.

Eating People is Wrong

Touché

Foreigners & How To Spot Them

Spotting foreigners sounds a bit like birdwatching. Next time I am on the London Tube, I will use this book to identify some foreigners, and then attempt some safe methods of approach.

Innards And Other Variety Meats

Yummy!

How to Good-bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?

Whether it is malarkey or an effective way to say good-bye to depression, constricting one’s anus 100 times per day sounds rather time consuming. I for one am sticking with the pills.

Microwave For One

This book would appear much more impressive if its title was Microwave For One Hundred. Perhaps someone should inform author Sonia Allison that all microwaving for one entails is reading the instructions on the back of the packet.

Bangkok Travel Guide For Men

Imagine what happens when the parcel arrives from Amazon, and the wife opens it.

God Is Great So How Come He Gave Me And Bobby Crossed Eyes

Because he doesn’t like you! (Note: I think this is a fictitious book title).

Enjoying Being Single

Just look at the fun that man is having on the front cover being single. I am feeling nostalgic…

Nuclear War Fun Book

Who would have thought nuclear war could be so much fun.

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10 Very Bizarre Books

May 05 2017

Earlier this week I was perusing the internet in search of yet more bizarre books. I found some. This week sees the seventh instalment in my bizarre books series. Here are 10 bizarre books. I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

5 Very Good Reasons To Punch A Dolphin In The Mouth

Reason 1: Dolphins make annoying squeaking noises.

Beat Your Way to the Top: Masturbation as a technique for business success

CEO: ‘Jesus Christ put it away! What the %$@* do you think you’re doing?’

Junior Employee: ‘Just beating my way to the top.’

Jesus Spells Freedom

Jesus spells Freedom? — Well maybe, but that front cover certainly doesn’t.

How To Make Your Own Dolls For Pleasure And Profit

The highly unimaginative front cover makes me suspicious as to Schauffler’s doll making abilities, be they for pleasure or profit.

CB for Christians

There are books written millennia ago that have dated better than this.

The Ladybird Book of Child Labour

Yes, back in the days when this book was published white kids did child labour too. I believe this is a fictitious title.

Make Your Own Sex Toys

Could they not have come up with a more amorous front cover.

How To Preserve Animal and Other Specimens in Clear Plastic

If you are looking for a 50-something year old book about keeping dead things in plastic then look no further.

Walmart Atlas

What with a new Walmart springing up every five seconds, presumably Walmart Atlases date pretty quickly.

Big & Little Crochets

What ludicrous garments.

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A Black Comedy of True Distinction

10 Farcical Religious Books

Apr 21 2017

This week sees the third and most likely final instalment in my bizarre religious books series. Here are 10 religious-themed books. I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

Behold Now Behemoth: Dinosaurs All Over the Bible!

I can only assume the author is confusing The Bible with Jurassic Park.

A Potato That Wasn’t A Christian

So what if a potato wasn’t a Christian. Potatoes are tasty regardless of their religion, unless they are Sikh. There are few things less appetising than a roasted turban.

Born-Again Virgin

To be a born-again virgin follow these simple steps.

Step one: Get a needle and thread.

Liar, Liar, Mullet On Fire: Extinguishing Lies We Believe with God’s Truth

No prizes for guessing who the target readership of this book is.

If God Loves Me Why Can’t I Get My Locker Open

Because you forgot the key.

The Homosexual god and The Children of Satan

There is one sure way to make your book invisible on online book retailers. Make the cover completely black.

It’s a sin to be fat

Is it still a sin if the fatness is not a result of gluttony or sloth, but an under-active thyroid? I guess I will have to read the book to find out.

Great Dinosaur Mystery and the Bible

Not those pesky dinosaurs again.

When Catholics Die: Eternal Life or Eternal Damnation?

Eternal life unless they write books with tasteless, purple front covers.

BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and Also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!!

Amen!

10 Absurd Religious Books

Mar 31 2017

This week sees the second instalment in my Ludicrous Religious Books series. Here are 10 more ludicrous religious-themed books. I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

Dancing with Jesus

Do you ever feel embarrassed by something, even though you are not responsible for it in any way, shape or form.

A Holistic Approach to Exorcism

Finally, I was getting so tired of specialised approaches to exorcism.

Does GOD Ever Speak through CATS?

Cat: ‘Meow! Meow! Purr, purr…’

Person: ‘That’s God speaking. Sssh, let me listen.’

Cat: ‘Hiss! Meow! meow … Hiss! hiss! MEOW!’

Person: ‘YES! I was right all along — God just said polygamy is virtuous.’

The Beginner’s Guide to Sex in the Afterlife

Sex in the Afterlife — that is just way a fancy way of saying necrophilia.

Helping The Retarded To Know God

And the winner of the most offensive book title is…

The Tabloid Bible

Penned by religious humorist Nick Page, The Tabloid Bible parodies the sensationalist nature of tabloid newspapers.

What Really Happened to the Dinosaurs?

This creationist title teaches children that dinosaurs were roaming The Earth with the rest of us pre-flood. Note evolutionary-defier Tracker John riding on his pet dinosaur DJ.

God’s Masturbation Solution

Penned by M. L. Brown — Reverend and masturbation connoisseur.

Bobbed Hair, Bossy Wives, and Women Preachers

Dr John R. Rice’s fire and brimstone sermon is directed at bossy wives, women preachers and women with bobbed hair.

21 Reasons Why Christians Should Speak in Tongues

Reason 1: If you are a Christian aspiring to be admitted to a mental health facility, then tongues…

Reason 2: Having an additional language on your CV is no bad thing.

There will be a final instalment in a few weeks time.

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A Black Comedy of True Distinction

8 Morbid Books

Mar 17 2017

I am a dark humour author who has a healthy interest in the morbid/macabre. This week’s post is dedicated to 8 morbid books. I have added pithy comments/fictitious commentary below each.

Necromance: Intimate Portrayals of Death

Proud winner of worst book cover in the morbid category.

Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers

The cover is a bit like the health warning images on cigarette packets. It leaves no illusion as to the extreme morbidity of the book’s contents.

Fancy Coffins to Make Yourself

‘What’s that leaning against your living room wall?’

‘It’s a fancy DIY coffin.’

‘Who is it for?’

‘Me.’

‘But you’re not dead.’

‘That’s the thing with DIY coffins, you can’t assemble them post-mortem.’

Working Stiff

Two Years, 262 Bodies — that is a lot of bodies for one medical examiner. But the upside is it is probably considerably less than the living people they would have had to deal with in the same time period in a normal job.

Reusing Old Graves

Dig ’em up, turf ’em out, insert new occupant…

Mortician Diaries

Tuesday: Three Weetabix and a cup of tea for breakfast. It took like so long to get to work this morning, the traffic was so slow, I thought I would never get there. Boss was waiting. Normally she like taps her watch and makes a facetious comment about my timekeeping, but today she just smiled, and I was like what is going on here? Then she led me through to the morgue. I smelt it before I saw it — it was found in a bath, been in there for days, bloated with those blue veins. It so grossed me out!

Do-It-Yourself Funerals And Cremations For Newbies

Burying yourself whilst reading your own eulogy, now that’s impressive. But before you get too excited, this is a fictitious title.

Do it Yourself Caskets and Coffins

Yet another DIY coffin title. Erotica better watch out, there’s a new genre in town.

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A Black Comedy of True Distinction

23 Quotes about Writing

Jan 20 2017

Here are 23 amusing and/or pertinent quotes about writing which might be of interest to my fellow authors and readers.

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. — W. Somerset Maugham

Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time. — Howard Nemerov

I hate writing, I love having written. — Dorothy Parker

The scariest moment is always just before you start. — Stephen King

The first draft of anything is shit. — Ernest Hemingway

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. — Douglas Adams

Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that’s where it should stay. — Christopher Hitchens

A bad review may spoil your breakfast, but you shouldn’t allow it to spoil your lunch. — Kingsley Amis

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. — A. J. Liebling

Poetic license is not a license to scribe recklessly. ― C. Kennedy

A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it. ― Mark Twain

A professional writer is an amateur who didn’t quit. — Richard Bach

If you don’t have time to read, you don’t have the time (or the tools) to write. — Stephen King

Don’t get it right – get it WRITTEN! — Lee Child

If you are in difficulties with a book, try the element of surprise: attack it at an hour when it isn’t expecting it. — H.G. Wells

Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money. — Jules Renard

In the end, you have to just sit down, shut up, and write. — Natalie Goldberg

Tomorrow may be hell, but today was a good writing day, and on the good writing days nothing else matters. — Neil Gaiman

The pen is mightier than the sword and considerably easier to write with. — Marty Feldman

I love being a writer. What I can’t stand is the paperwork. — Peter De Vries

Easy writing makes hard reading. — Ernest Hemingway

As for the adjective, when in doubt leave it out. — Mark Twain

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper. — Steve Martin

There will be a second instalment soon.

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Bizarre Books VI

Dec 09 2016

This week sees the sixth and final instalment of my bizarre books series. As with previous instalments I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

And now for the 10 bizarre books:

Dancing with Cats

dancing-with-cats

A sure way to attract the attention of the men in white coats.

Hog Manure Management

hog-manure

If you like hogs and manure this is the book for you. If not you might want to consider a different title.

What About Christian Rock?

christian-rock

What about it? No, do not press play.

25 Placenta Recipes

placenta-recipes
Finally! I have been growing so tired of plain boiled placentas.

People Who Don’t Know They’re Dead

dead

Otherwise known as ghosts.

Cards As Weapons

cards-as-weapons

Using cards as throwing stars can be very useful when you are poised to lose money on a card game.

Semenology: The Semen Bartender’s Handbook

semenology

Let this book be a warning to all those who treat bartenders badly.

Mommy, Why is There a Server in the House? server

Mommy: ‘Since daddy left I have been feeling very lonely, and…’

Is It a Sin to Eat a Chocolate Bar?

chocolate-bar
No, not if it is an organic, gluten-free, fair trade, sustainable farming WholeFoods chocolate bar.

Round Ireland with a fridge

round-ireland

Author: ‘If I knew it was going to be this difficult, I would have brought a suitcase instead.’

Bizarre Books V

Nov 25 2016

Here are 10 more bizarre books. As with previous instalments, I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

It’s Not Going To Get Any Better When You Grow Up

grow-up

Truer words were never spoken.

Mommy, Why is There a Server in the House? server

Mommy: ‘Since daddy left I have been feeling very lonely, and…’

Reusing Old Graves

reusing-graves

Step One: Turf out the occupier…

Mommy, Is It A Sin To Be Fat?

fat

Kid: ‘Mommy, is it a sin to be fat?’

Mommy: ‘It depends how fat.’

Outwitting Squirrels

squirrels

Strategy One: Cover your bird feeder’s pole with glue.

How to Talk to Your Cat About Evolution

cat-evolution

Talking to your cat about evolution is no different from talking to some Americans in the Midwest about evolution, i.e. futile.

Natural Harvest: A collection of semen-based recipes

semen

That caramel pudding on the front cover is enough to put one off semen-based recipes for life.

How to Hold a Crocodile

crocodile

First clasp the crocodile firmly with both hands. No, not by the jaws! … Snap … OW! HELP!

Castration Celebration

castration-celebration

Wow, yeah! Castration celebrations are the best fun ever, but the blood loss is quite off-putting. And I am starting to feel rather faint.

Why Cats Paint

cats-paint

Why cats paint? Boredom mostly. Playing with balls of string and toying with mice can only keep them entertained so long.

Bizarre Books IV

Nov 11 2016

I previously stated that part 3 was to be the final instalment in my bizarre books series. I have since changed my mind. Here is part 4. There may well be further additions in the not too distant future. As with the previous instalments, I have added pithy/fictitious comments below each.

Jogging With Jesus

jogging

There is a peculiar man on the front cover, but no sign of Jesus.

Microwave Cooking for One

microwave

Read the instructions on the back of the packet, place food item in microwave, set time and press start. When microwave makes a beeping noise remove food.

Be Bold With Bananas

banana

If the vile looking concoction on the front cover is anything to go by, it is probably best not to be bold with bananas, and to stick to the tried and trusted peeling followed by eating method.

Circumcisions By Appointment

circumcisions